Category Archives: Inspiration

Thankful on Thanksgiving

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This year for Thanksgiving I have a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes lately that’s hard to remember but it’s definitely true. So today I want to write about what I’m thankful for.

First and foremost I’m thankful for my amazing family. Without them, I don’t know where I’d be or how I would’ve survived the past nine months. Their support and love have given me strength when I’ve been frustrated, tired and sad. Family also includes Mike because if he’s not family then I don’t know what is. Without him, I couldn’t do this. I’m thankful everytime he walks through the door from work. I’m thankful every time he hugs me when I’m down or kisses my forehead when I’m crying. I’m thankful every time he makes me laughs and writes me love notes. I’m so very very thankful that he came into my life.
I’m thankful for my friends, near and far, I realize how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. Friends that go above and beyond to make me feel loved. Friends that help keep it light and make having fun easy.
I’m thankful for my amazing team of doctors and nurses. I have been blessed with the most incredible men and women to treat and take care of me. Doctors that are brilliant and caring and nurses that are warm and compassionate but also funny and real.
Lastly, I’m thankful for my health. It might seem counterintuitive since I clearly am not the healthiest person in the world right now but I’m still here and I’m on my way to being cured. Because of that fact, I still smile everyday and I still feel so blessed for all that I do have in my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.
XOXO,
Jessy

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I’m Excited for You Tomorrow

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Tomorrow I go to the Dana. I go every Wednesday and I never look forward to it but tomorrow, tomorrow I’m excited. Weird to say that I’m excited to head to the hospital but I’m hoping that tomorrow is the start of a long stretch of pain coming to a close. I meet with my pancreatologist and hopefully get the all-clear to begin eating again. Now I know it won’t be an “eat whatever you want” conversation but even being able to have a fruit smoothie or grilled chicken breast will be such a big deal. Like I’ve said over and over, I’m so hungry. Hungry and beyond crazy with cravings. All I can think about is food…sandwiches, pizza, angel hair pasta, sushi. I’m a ways away from all that but a girl can dream. I also start on steroids tomorrow for five days which make me absolutely insane when it comes to eating. They make me so hungry and able to eat like a growing football player. So tomorrow as I meet with my doctor, I will be putting on my persuasive pants and begging him to allow me to start my journey back to the real world of food. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow also marks the restart of my chemo regimen. I’ve been paused for two months because of the pancreatitis but tomorrow I start it up again. It will feel good to restart as I have been worried to be off my planned track for this long…for obvious reasons. Chemo’s no fun but progress is. The start of this next round of chemo means I’m one step closer to getting my life back, one step closer to being cured. And those things are something to be excited about, really excited about.
XOXO,
Jessy

Sick Day

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Today I’m taking a sick day. Mike is playing in a golf tournament and is gone all day and I have no plans. I haven’t had more than an hour or so by myself since September 3rd, the day I got pancreatitis #2. Combo of being in the hospital, so never having a second to yourself because a nurse, doctor or specialist is coming in to talk to you and now at home my mom comes every day and typically stays till when Mike gets home. (don’t worry mom, that doesn’t mean I don’t love having you, because I LOVE having you!) But sometimes it’s good to have some time with just yourself.
It’s hard not to feel like everyday is a sick day for me lately. I’m home, my mom’s taking care of me, I don’t feel good, I’m taking a bunch of medicine. Sounds pretty similar to a sick day from growing up. There’s always something a little enjoyable about staying home from work or school even when you’re not feeling well. You feel lousy but you love getting to stay in jammies all day and watch the Price Is Right. But when your sick day is going on 9 months, it loses its enjoyability. Today, however, I’m choosing to stay in my pajamas and watch trashy TV with just ME all day. Cancer or chemo didn’t make me stay in, I decided to stay in and that’s why it feels different, that’s why it feels fun! So before I exert too much energy, I’m heading back to lounging!
XOXO,
Jessy
p.s. look at these ridiculously amazing slipper socks I got at TJMaxx! I shall be in them all day.
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When Life Hands You Apples, Make Applesauce

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Just before my first pancreatisis attack, I met with a few girls from work for coffee. It was so great to see them and feel a part of the team again. They had asked to get together so they could give me something a whole group of people had put together for me. As many of you know (and working with me every day, you can imagine how much they heard about it!), Mike and I had a trip planned to the Dominican in March. Unfortunately, I was diagnosed just a week and a half before and we weren’t able to go. Really, really disappointing. So my coworkers, being the amazing and thoughtful people that they are, all chipped in to be able to send Mike and I on a little get-away weekend to Peaks Island, Maine to make up for it! Peaks Island is right off of Portland and Mike and I had discovered it last summer. It’s about 3 miles wide and the cutest, most quaint little island I’ve ever been to. We had had such a relaxing and special day there; biking around the island, laying on the beach, watching people ride horses along the water, drinking summer beers on an ocean deck restaurant as we let one more ferry come and go, not wanting to head home. It was a day that for some reason really meant something to me and I have often thought of it when I’m feeling down. It’s become kind of like a happy place for me when I need to think of something good. (I digress!) So when so many of my co-workers (some that don’t even work at TJX anymore!) came together to surprise me with this, I was floored. It was so over-the-top generous and thoughtful, I truly was touched. So Mike and I picked a weekend, made the reservations and started making plans for our little fall getaway to Peaks Island, Maine.

It was scheduled for this weekend. We were in Somerville this weekend. Boo. We felt like we had to cancel because I’m still recovering from pancreatitis, I’m still on the feeding tube at night and it probably would have been too much to be gone for the whole weekend. I was so disappointed as I was really looking forward to a relaxing weekend, out of the house, out of the city, just with Mike, in a place that really meant something to me. It felt unfair that something else got “taken away” from me. But as Mike reminded me, we have next summer and maybe at that point I’ll be feeling 10x better (hopefully will even be able to have a beer on that deck) so I’ll be able to enjoy it even more than I would have this weekend!
So we turned apples into applesauce (I actually did that today! But I meant the expression! ) and had ourselves a pretty fun filled weekend for a “couple with cancer.” Friday we stayed in but cooked turkey burgers together (yes, I was able to eat a turkey burger— wahoo!). Then Saturday we went to the largest corn maze in the world with two of our best friends and 2 1/2 hours later completed that. Came home and went out to a fabulous Italian restaurant near our house that we haven’t been to in a while and had a great meal together (I’m able to eat pasta now too — even bigger wahoo!). Sunday we walked around the Boston Public Gardens and window-shopped on Newbury St. just for fun. Came home to watch football, nap on the couch with the fireplace going and make another pancreatitis-approved meal— turkey tacos! And then we had one more day- Monday! Mike had taken it off originally for Peaks Island so he kept it so we could have a three-day weekend. We kept the fall-fun going and trucked it up to North Andover to a great little farm that we could  pick our own pumpkins. And that we did. Picked them and then came home and carved them— pretty decently if I do say so myself. 🙂 Overall, it ended up being a fabulous weekend. I hadn’t expected it to be because I was angry about not being able to go away but as life has taught me this year, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and make the best of what you’ve been given. And this weekend, I was given a great few days.
Hope you all had a lovely fall weekend as well!
XOXO,
Jessy
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Glorious Life

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I did something stupid today. I clicked and clicked and clicked through old pictures on Facebook. One by one I went further and further back in time. It was like sinking into a hole. A hole of memories of fun times, times with my family and friends and even coworkers that I want back so bad. Looking back at these pictures make me smile because I’ve had such an amazing life but they bring me down as well because I miss that life so much. Mike and I used to always say we have such a “glorious life.” After fun weekends and things we’d do together, we’d always look at each other and say “ughh glorious life, glorious life!” Today when I was scrolling through the pictures, I realized we haven’t said that in a long time. And that, that made me sad.

I haven’t written a post in a week and that’s because I’ve honestly been busy! My amazing mother has taken time off of work to be with me during the days. She did it for two reasons, one being that I’m connected to a feeding tube for 14 hours at night and I need help getting disconnected in the morning. Second and honestly more important is to just be with me during the day so that I don’t have to be by myself all day, everyday. I was trying to make it work but spending all day by yourself is draining and depressing so having her here has made a huge difference. We’ve gone apple picking, painted our nails, visited with my niece, done some shopping, baked breads, gone for long walks and this morning we even went to a fashion show at Saks Fifth Avenue (boy were we rubbing elbows with the other half!). I’m so lucky that she’s able to do this for me.
Keeping busy when I can and having my mom with me has made my days so much better. They go by faster and I’m happier getting to interact with people and getting to spend so much quality time with my mom. But our “glorious life” still feels like it’s on pause right now which is hard. There’s an empty, bland sort of feeling you get inside when you don’t feel like you’re living your life to the fullest of potential. In reality, I know that I’m not “not living life to the fullest of potential” (because God knows i’m trying) but sometimes it feels like that when I’m stuck at home or sitting in the waiting room of the hospital (which is 75% of the visits). There’s just so much time waiting, sitting, resting, that my mind begins to wander off to what my life was or used to be. But as my mom reminded me today, I’ll get it back. It’ll never be the same but maybe it’ll be better. I’m going to keep on fighting, with the help of my family and friends, until saying “glorious life” is back into my repertoire of weekly phrases.
XOXO,
Jessy
here’s my crazy but incredible mother. aka Mom-cologist!
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Bald Princess

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It’s been over 8 months since I lost my hair and since then, I’ve said that I wanted to go out in public without a wig, without a headwrap, without a hat. But I hadn’t done it….I couldn’t get myself to go out in public without covering up. It felt scary and overwhelming; I didn’t want the extra attention or to feel like I’m getting stared at. I’ve taken my hat off a few times in public but never fully left the house without something to cover up!But my hair is actually starting to slowly grow back (wahooo) so today I thought, “today’s my day.” This was something I wanted to do to feel what it’s like to be “different” and to my happiness, I may only have a few weeks left to complete this goal. I’ve always been lucky that I don’t have anything that makes me feel uncomfortable or self conscious in public so I wanted to experience what that feeling feels like. And today I did. I went to Dana Farber wearing nothing and it felt fabulous. I felt free and empowered. I’m bald and a girl and I can’t wait until my hair grows back but until then, I’m going to try to go out in public bald and beautiful! Looks do matter but today taught me that if you feel confident within yourself, it doesn’t matter so much if you get a few extra stares.

Cheers to being different and embracing it!!

XOXOX,
Jessy

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Back at It

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It’s been a rough go at it lately. Really, it has. Although my attempts to limit foods have been the best to my ability, I somehow found myself in an ambulance by myself to the hospital on Friday afternoon due to my pancreatitis coming back.

Painful and Scary. No bueno.

So I’m back in the Brigham, not getting to eat or drink, on rotating pain meds, and just overall itching to get out of here. Luckily, I’m not getting pumped with nearly as much fluids this time so I haven’t gained the 40+ pounds I did round 1. I do, however, have some pretty amazing news. My doctors have finally approved Mike and I being able to get a dog so there’s something for us to be very excited about and something to very much look forward to! So while Mike’s at work, I’m over here lookin for someone to call our little baby! If you have any frenchie breeder or rescue suggestions, I’m your girl!!!

Quick post today but just wanted to give an update about what’s going on here on my end! Hope you all had a marvelous weekend!

XOXO,
Jessy
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Hunger Pains

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I’m so hungry. Literally, all I can think about is food. And that’s because I can barely have any.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I got pancreatitis and one thing I learned is that it’s no joke and it’s no fun. I’ve been home from the hospital for 3 days now and my stomach is no better than it was a week ago. There’s a constant feeling of uncomfortableness that hums throughout the day and then after I eat I get sharp stabbing pains. This type of suffering would maybe be worth it if I was eating delicious food… pizza, nachos, mac n cheese…. things of that nature. But instead I’m only allowed to have low fat, fat free and dairy free. Things in the realm of low-fat soups, saltines, fresh fruit, steamed broccoli, grilled chicken.. none of the above are worth a painful aftermath. I’m still not sure how long that regimen will last but I was told that it could be up to a year until I’m fully able to eat everything I once was. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t take that long. I’m a buff chix nachos type of girl and having that taken away really bites the big one.
Although my thoughts are being consumed with “I wish I could eat this” and “Ughhh my stomach hurts so bad,” I also am thinking about what tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow is another big day as I meet with my doctors about where we go from here. Since one of the main chemotherapy drugs that I have been on is what caused the pancreatitis, the risk is too great to continue on with that specific drug. I was scheduled to get ten doses and I had only gotten four so far meaning I won’t get 6 of the scheduled treatments sessions. And not finishing up a session of my treatment plan, well that’s scary. Scary because if that’s what my doctors knew to be the best chance of beating this, what does it mean now that I won’t be getting them all? Hopefully there are alternative drugs and avenues we can take but it definitely makes me nervous to think we’re not going with the strongest option. So tomorrow I’ll once again be at the hands of my doctors.
On a positive note, I’ve been working on a homemade chicken noodle soup all day that I will be having for dinner tonight. The chicken is shredded, the veggies look soft and I used whole wheat egg noodles that look delicious. So cheers to it turning out good and me getting a yummy meal in my tummy.
XOXO,
Jessy
p.s. in honor of being unable to crush food, here’s a pic of me mowing two breakfasts before treatment a few months ago!
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Storms Don’t Last Forever

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Storms don’t last forever. It’s a mantra I’ve found myself needing to think a lot lately. 
 
It’s been over 5 months since I was diagnosed but it feels like a century. When the 20th of the month hit, it felt hard to believe that I’m not even to the halfway point. Scratch that, in the grand scheme of things, I’m not even to the quarter mark. Spring 2016 feels like an eternity away. And in the middle of Summer 2014, the thought of that date gets me down. Taking it day by day is most definitely the best way to complete this challenge. But I’m not a day-by-day type of person. I love looking to the future. I’ve always been like that… looking forward to what’s next, striving for a bigger and better goal. But in this case, when the goal is so far away and there’s a lot of “mehhh” in the middle, looking to the future feels more like a daunting task rather than an exciting endeavor. 
 
I wrote this yesterday in the middle of the afternoon, sitting on my couch, basically just feeling sorry for myself. 
“I just want my life back. I want it back so so so bad. I want to go to work. I don’t want everyone to have to take care of me and do favors for me. I want to have a drink. Go for a run. Do laps in the pool at my sports club. Eat raw sushi. I want to go on the vacation Mike and I had planned to the Dominican. I want to not feel worried all the time or have so much anxiety. I want to get a paycheck. I want my boyfriend to not have to give me shots in my stomach every night. I want to get a manicure and pedicure. I want to not think about cancer every second of every day.” 
 
Those negative emotions are all I could think yesterday. All I could feel is how much I want my life back. However, reading it back, I feel guilty. I beat myself up when I have pitty parties for myself because it makes me feel so ungrateful and unappreciative of what I’ve been given. I’ve been given the gift of being able to fight and overcome this terrible disease. Not everyone is as lucky— that’s a thought that goes through my mind multiple times a day. I am lucky and I know it. But the truth is, I sit here today and I still ache for my old life. I still want more than anything to wake up from this bad dream and be a healthy, normal 25 year old. I try so hard to be strong but sometimes it’s just too overwhelming, too draining, too frustrating. But today’s different than yesterday. How much different? Not much. But I’m one day closer and two shades happier. Tomorrow I’ll be at the hospital all day and will be getting another bone marrow biopsy done to triple check that there are no leukemia cells in my body. So tomorrow’s a big day. It won’t be a fun day, so today had to be. Today I cooked and went to the super market and received a pair of fabulously comfy slippers from a coworker and am about to go to an outdoor yoga class which will be the first time I’ve done group exercise in over 5 months. It’s a better day than yesterday and Thursday will be a better day than tomorrow. 
 
Storms are scary. There are large cracks of thunder, lightening that illuminates the sky and sets fire to things here on earth, heavy rains that come in sideways and make you cold and wet. Often times in a storm, you even lose power. Sometimes, the lights just flicker and other times you can lose it for hours and even days. But the light always comes back on. The thunder and lightening and rain, they always stop. The clouds always break and that big beautiful sun always comes shining through. 
 
XOXO,
Jessy

Milestones

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Today is milestone day. Today marks the end of my brain radiation. It was only an 8 day preventative treatment regimen but it’s another thing to check off “the list” which feels incredible.

All-in-all radiation was strange. The process is pretty simple— you go in, get on the table, strap in, get zapped for a few minutes and then it’s done. It doesn’t hurt and it’s quick, so in that regard, it’s pretty great compared to chemo. However, it’s sneaky because it makes you really exhausted which is never any fun. The worst part, BY FAR, was getting fitted for my mask a few weeks ago. Basically, in order to make sure that my head doesn’t move an inch during the treatment (don’t want to zap the wrong areas), you have to have a mask created specifically for your face that you wear each time. It fits tightly around your face and then locks in place so you can’t move. Definitely would not be ideal for the claustrophobic! But with the help of my girl Beyonce, we blared music throughout the room and it made the few minutes go by quick and painless. Nothing a little Yonce can’t make better.

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So with one of my best friend by my side, I walked out of the Brigham today with my mask in hand and am happy to say that getting my brain radiated is a thing of the PAST. WOOOOOOOOO CHIL’!

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And then we have tomorrow. It will be another long, hard day but at the end of it I get another milestone under my belt. Completion of the CNS (central nervous system) phase.  I will receive more chemotherapy and then one final spinal tap (this is the fourth in a two week period).  But as long as everything goes as planned, this will be my last spinal tap for 18 weeks!!! That’s about as long as I’ve been going through treatment so that my friends, is a very welcome and pleasant change of pace for this young lady!

Milestones are important. They symbolize progression and moving forward. And that’s what I need right now, to keep on keepin’ on. Onward and upward: it’s what it’s all about.

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XOXO,

Jessy