Home Sweet Hospital

This Monday, I woke up and went to the Brigham with my mom and Mike. I checked in and got into a johnnie and hopped up into the bed. In a weird way, it felt normal. Being in a hospital bed, although I haven’t been for nearly a year, felt comfortable. Instantly, I was brought back into a world that I should feel very scared of and anxious around but instead, I feel a sense of security. I know to an outsider, and maybe even my family members, that must sound really strange and kind of unhealthy but for me, it’s true. Of course, I was nervous about the procedure and any complications that could’ve arisen but as I sat there in the underground’s of the Brigham by myself waiting for the doctor or nurse to come see me, I was at ease. I wasn’t supposed to be “figuring out my life” or thinking about what I want to do next or applying for jobs, all of which I feel completely lost and unsure of myself doing. Somehow, sitting in a hospital bed, I felt confident, I felt peace knowing I was exactly where I should be at that moment. I was there to put a final close on my leukemia chapter.

I was there to get my port removed.

(For those of you unfamiliar, a port is a permanent IV line that stays in your chest and allows you to give blood and receive medications through. Below is a pic of what it looks like).

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It was a day I have dreamed of for so long, incredibly surreal to believe the day had finally come. This thing, this piece of plastic and tubing that’s been a part of me for the nearly three years. Originally, it felt so foreign and I hated how much it stuck out from my chest. However, I slowly began to have a deep respect for it as I started to realize how it was the gateway to my health. Sometimes when I was at yoga, for example, and the instructor would say to put our hands over our hearts, I’d put one hand over my heart and one over my port. I started thinking of my port as a part of me, and started imagining it as my second heart. One that allowed my original heart to keep beating; it was the catalyst that kept me alive and I am so grateful for it.

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However, this Monday it was time to part ways, and to my moms delight, when I asked the doctor if I could keep it, she graciously said, “no, unfortunately we have to put it in our hazardous waste disposal.” I get it, it sounds strange to try to keep it but I wanted to because of the fact it was such an enormous and important aspect of my journey. I wanted to keep it with my other mementos from my “cancer chapter.” So I was kind of disappointed, strangely enough. But I realize, I guess I don’t need to physically hold onto something because I’ll always hold onto as a part of who I am. I will look at the scar on my chest for the rest of my life and remember exactly what was there, and exactly how blessed I am that all I have left is that minor battle wound. It’s one that I’m immensely proud of.

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So today, after two days of being sleepy and one day being kind of grumpy (I’m sorry Mike šŸ˜¢ I do love you), I got myself out of the house and met with Dr. Mandy at Dana Farber, not because I had an appointment but because we wanted to catch up and chat as two friends. Dana Farber isn’t home, nor should it ever be, but I’d be lying if I didn’t feel at home there. Who would’ve thought?

Lots of love & light,

Jessy

p.s. final pic is me today… a flat chested lady once again šŸ™‚

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The PendulumĀ 

When I was growing up, my dad always said I was like a pendulum. I swang either really high or really low. I was either elated over scoring tickets to an *NSYNC concert or I was hysterical over a boy not dancing with me at a middle school dance.

Lately, I’ve been feeling just like that. There are moments like last Thursday, when it’s 60 degrees in February and I’m able to take Phoebe to the beach and sink my toes in the sand. The pendulum swings high. And then there are moments around 3:30pm this Thursday when I realize the day is coming to a close, and I’ve yet to make any money this week. The pendulum swings low. In those low moments, I begin second-guessing my decision to leave my steady job and salary. I struggle with the idea that I can still be a worthy human being without making money or having a successful career. Logically I know this to be true but emotionally I haven’t gotten there yet. I spend so much time staring off into the sky overthinking what I’m supposed to do with my life and how I can make a quick buck. It’s stressful to have bills and have to dip into savings to pay them. Or even worse, having to ask you’re partner for help. That’s the epitome of the low swinging pendulum in my mind. The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was depend on anyone else financially yet somehow I find myself having to do that every time I go grocery shopping. 

So many ups and downs. Ups when I’m able to take my own dog to the park rather than pay someone to do it for us. Down when my dogs barking at me because I’m trying to do work at the kitchen table. Up when I’m able to spend time cooking a healthy meal. Down when I realize I’ve been cooking this healthy meal for two hours and my fiancĆ© is still two hours from being home from work. Up when your mom is able to visit you on a weekday. Down when she leaves and you feel lonely because you now don’t have anyone to interact with the rest of the day. 

So many emotions in the past few weeks that it’s hard to process. I know I can’t speed up the universe but I wish I could. I want so badly to be on a steady path and know how I should proceed. How if I continue to wander aimlessly like this for months or even years? That’s feels like a nightmare. 

The question is, do you shoot for highs even though you understand that youll of end up in the low sometimes too? Or do you aim to be constistenly in the middle? Although I, ironically, am the middle child, I’ve never enjoyed being in the middle of the pack. And right now, I don’t even feel in the middle, I feel like I’m falling to the back of the pack. But if I go back to that pendulum analogy, it should only be a matter of time until I’m on that high swing again.

I’ll wait.

Happy weekend to all you worker bees šŸ out there! 

Love & light,

Jessy