Seeing old memories brings you back to that moment in time.
Many images make you smile– they resonate instantly as funny, happy times with friends and family.
But others, have a gut-wrenching effect when reminded of a difficult day in your past.
Today, I’m at the office- I went for a run this morning and did sun salutations on a dock near our house to feel the rays on my skin as I thanked the higher powers for this day and that moment.
What a beautiful way to start July 13, 2018. Later into the day, I opened up TimeHop to be reminded that the years prior, this day has been much different. Each one unique.
Last year, I was taking dance lessons with Mike to get ready for our wedding that was only 10 days away.
In 2016, Phoebe and I had just returned from a long (clearly exhausting) walk.
In 2015, I had just received my alma maters quarterly magazine that featured the fundraising efforts my fraternity had done to raise money for me to come down to Tampa to speak at Relay for Life.
In 2014, I had just received the professional pictures back from our family vacation—Mike and I were matching – shiny bald heads.
In 2013, we were at Mike’s brother’s house celebrating our nieces second birthday.
In 2012, I was at a club in Chicago with two girlfriends.
The list could go on and on for another 22 years of memories on July 13th’s.
What it reminded me is that you never know what the next year (or day!) will bring you. My life is so different today than it was four years ago and much different than four years before that. The days keep going, and the memories continue to pile up. You can’t change what has happened and you can’t predict what’s ahead of you. All you can do is appreciate this day, this moment, this life you’ve been given.
I’m on a flight from Portugal. Mike and I took a two-week vacation to visit more European countries that had been on our wish list- Paris, France – Barcelona, Spain and Lagos in the Algarve region of Portugal and Lisbon Portugal.
But you wouldn’t know that. You wouldn’t know either that I completed and graduated from my yoga teacher training on May 6. You wouldn’t know that instead of “getting out of marketing” like I had set out to do a year ago, I accepted in full time role in April at the company I’ve been working for the past year.
You wouldn’t have known any of that because I have been silent on the blog. I let this blog, this place that once was an outlet for me, become overwhelming and an added pressure that I didn’t need or want. Every time I wrote something “out loud here” – like “yay! like I’m going to become a yoga teacher!” I inadvertently but simultaneously put a crushing pressure on myself to accomplish whatever I just stated because I knew in my head that if I didn’t succeed at what I just said I was going to do- I’d get that embarrassed, pit of guilt in my stomach- the one that says in my head “they’re disappointed in you” – “you didn’t give it your all.”
But with the yoga training, I did give it my all. My all just didn’t become a yoga teacher. But my all learned so much more than postures and poses. My all challenged myself in ways that I haven’t in a long time, getting outside of my comfort zone. I learned about life. About ways to live healthier, about personal tools and techniques to get thru difficult times—I was surrounded for 200 hours with some of the most strong-willed, inspiring women I had ever met: they taught me so much but the biggest lesson was that you can assume all you want about someone else but you NEVER really know what inner demons they are struggling with or how their history has become who they are. Everybody has to “stuff” to deal with so it’s crucial to be compassionate even when you may not fully understand.
Today’s blog is me saying that “I have stuff too.” I live a beautiful, blessed life, but I am scarred, as we all are. Having compassion for myself takes more effort than it comes with ease. Instinctually, my brain will first tell me what I’m doing wrong or what I’m lacking—thing like how I’m not as successful as I thought I would be by this age—how I have a gross stomach compared to girls on my Instagram feed – how I’m not a good enough friend or family member because I don’t make it to every event. Although those first thoughts are what I’m not doing well enough, I am practicing noticing the negative thoughts and then proactively remind myself that even if it’s not going as expected, I am still trying my best- that I am where I am supposed to be.
During our teacher training graduation ceremony, each of us had to choose something to “let go of” or something to “move into.” I decided to let go of something—to let go of (or work towards letting go of) being worried that I’m always letting people down or living up to what I think others expect of me. I tied a red string around my right wrist and symbolically, it is said that it will break and come off when I have overcome this lesson. So this red bracelet might be with me to the end. It was when I was anxious on the plane ride home from Portugal and and thoughts were racing through my mind as I stared at the seat in front of me, unable to read my book, that I started thinking about the promise I had made to myself, and to my fellow yoga sisters. It’s time to start making progress towards that promise by trying to be more concerned with my happiness than the judgements of others.
My first attempt at that is to blog when I am inspired. And I was inspired to share so wrote this blog post I did.
During the holiday season, there was a holiday card being sold at Dana-Farber that I helped to create. On the back, they credited me as the “artist” and used my ‘cancer slayer’ term that I often called myself. I had approved it but when I saw it in print, I felt a little weird about it – I had always equated being a cancer slayer to being a warrior, and then the thought popped into my head that I was a warrior but I’m not a warrior anymore. I often look at the two years that I underwent treatment and overcame cancer to be two years of my life that I am proudest of, I feel very confident talking about my experience and am always open and empowered to share it with others. But when it comes to other aspects of my life, particularly my career, I feel very sheepish and unsure of myself- I don’t feel like I have slayed the past two years and I certainly don’t feel like a warrior very often anymore.
I had that thought and then I let it fade. But then it came back to me one afternoon during a meditation sitting during my yoga training and I began contemplating the idea that I don’t have to have cancer to be a warrior. I can be a warrior in my everyday life- with every action I take, every compassionate conversation, every day that I get up and go to work, every night when I try being a chef to make a healthy dinner for our family, every time I go to the gym instead of sitting on the couch, every time I do something to accomplish a dream. In so many aspects of life, big and small, I can be a warrior. What if I’m not a just a cancer slayer or work slayer or yoga slayer or pup mom slayer… what if I’m just a life slayer? What if we’re all life slayers?
One of the greatest learnings that I’ve become more familiar with throughout my yoga readings and trainings is to see each human being as who they are and be okay with it. Essentially, to see the warrior inside of everyone. To remember that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, or sometimes more powerfully, what’s going on in someone’s mind. To remember that everybody has a family that loves them, everybody has a friend that thinks they’re funny or enjoys their quirkiness. Everybody wants the best for their family and friends, their community. Everybody wants to be healthy and to live a prosperous, happy life. Everybody has the same innate quality to feel connected and be included – to “be a part of.” Everybody looks up and sees the same stars, and the same beautiful sun and moon. We all share the same home – we all have different struggles but it doesn’t matter what the struggle is because to each individual, it’s their struggle, it matters, it’s hard, and it takes work to overcome. Yoga, mindfulness, Buddhism teachings have all taught me to remember those common things about other human beings. When someone is particularly annoying or aggravating me, it’s helpful to take a deep breath and realize that I may not know what’s going on in their life and to remember that they have a mother that thinks they’re wonderful, and they probably love the very attribute that I may find annoying. They’re a human, just like me. They have worries and fears and anxiety, just like me. And in one way or another, they are slaying their life. They are slaying the worries that keep them up at night and are a warrior to the personal demons that plague their body and mind. We all are. We all are trying our best—even if to the outsider it may not look like they’re slaying or doing their best—remember that who they are, in this day, is doing their best – maybe they will do “better” in the future, but at this moment in time, this is their best self. We’re all warriors- slaying whatever life throws our way today.
Being a warrior doesn’t mean doing some remarkable achievement—it certainly can mean completing a marathon, or conquering an illness, or beginning an impactful social movement—but a warrior can also be someone that has so much anxiety that their chest hurts and they go to work anyway, it can be the mother that puts their career on pause because they believe in the importance of being home to raise their children—it can be the son or daughter that sacrifices personal growth and time with their significant other to become a caregiver for their sick parent—it can be a person who sees someone being bullied and says something about it—it can be a person who absolutely loathes their job and simply goes to work with a smile on their face because they know that’s what they have to do to get by – it can be a person who’s overweight and goes to the gym despite feeling uncomfortable. It can be anyone because it is everyone.
Everyone, in some way, is a warrior.
Respect that notion about others but most importantly, respect that about yourself. You are slaying life right this second.
Warrior on. 💪🏼
Love & light,
Jessy
p.s. Speaking of being a warrior….. here’s me slaying the winter walk to work
In February, I wrote about how I’d taken a leap of faith and left my full-time marketing job at an amazing nonprofit, not knowing exactly what my next move was.
It’s nearly November and I still am not sure what my future career life will entail but this past weekend, I took my first step towards a path that I’ve tossed around in my head for the last couple years, I took the first step towards a dream of mine- getting my yoga teacher certification.
I applied to the program this summer and was accepted after returning home from the honeymoon so I’ve known about it for a while but haven’t told many people outside my close friends and family. I started thinking about why I’ve avoided sharing this new venture since it is something I feel passionate about and it’s something that, quite honestly, I’ve committed to spending a significant amount of time and money on. I think I’ve been shy about it because this would be such a different path than my marketing career. I don’t know if people will understand or if I’ll be able to articulate what I want to do—some sort of mix between therapeutic yoga teacher, writer, motivational speaker, wellness coach. Yah, that’s easy to explain! A career in marketing was always direct- I went to school for it, I got a job in it, I switched companies, I moved up in a company, I switched to another company. It was a solid staircase that was easy to envision myself climbing and easy to explain to others. I was proud to say “I’m in marketing” when someone asked what I do. Yoga teacher/blogger seems kind of flighty. I’m worried people will instantly think that I’m leeching off Mike so that I can work two hours a day and stay in yoga pants permanently. I’m worried that people will judge me for switching gears and trying something that’s ‘trendy’ right now. That said, I know in my heart that it would be a career that would actually take a lot of work; it’d be starting a small business, finding and retaining clients, marketing myself, speaking in front of groups of people. It’d be hard. I know that, but I also know that many others don’t know that. Many others narrowly view the practice as something hippies do to workout– you’re basically stretching and breathing right?– it’s viewed as one-dimensional… just another exercise class. But it’s not. The yoga practice dates back hundreds of years and it’s connected to various other studies such as Ayurvedic medicine, Buddhism, reiki, meditation and mindfulness. Personally, I find all of the above to be fascinating and topics that I want to learn more about and be able to share with others. What I find most interesting is how you can take your yoga practice off the mat and integrate it into your daily life to profoundly affect it. I’ve experienced it personally– the amount that yoga truly helped me heal both physically and mentally when I was going through my cancer diagnosis was incredible. And then last weekend I met all these unique and amazing women women in my course and was so inspired by their accounts of how yoga has helped them or their family members. Listening to their stories of various difficulties– spanning from drug addiction to children with disabilities to coping with life tragedies– was truly amazing.
I have a deck of affirmation cards that I’ll randomly grab one and read. Recently, I picked one out and it said “My joy doesn’t depend upon the approval of others. No effective guidance will ever be achieved by seeking the approval of others, for all they desire is different things of you. Constant, pure guidance comes forth from within you. It is always there.” I read it a few times and let it sink in. It comes from within you. How many times have I heard people say “I literally don’t care at all what people think of me.” And I always wish I could know how true their statement is. How many of those people fully act on exactly what they want to do, without any influence of others? I’d guess very few. I’m clearly an extreme example—I always care what people think. I care if they respect me. I care if they think I’m nice. I care enough to wear make-up most days. I care enough to suck in when I’m wearing a bikini on the beach. I care enough that when I went to teach a mere 7-minute yoga sequence last weekend, I was on the verge of having a panic attack. I don’t think the majority of us will ever get to a complete state of ‘not depending on the approval of others.’ But I think it’s something to work towards.
I have 9 months of training left to go and so much to learn and absorb but I thought that a healthy way to start this journey was to first admit that I’m on it. It’s a different path than I expected to be on, it’s not a clear-cut career and so I know that there’s the risk that I could get my certification and try to start a little business and fail. That’s a reality. But the other reality is that I create a career for myself that I’m passionate about, that I feel fulfilled in, that I inspire others through, that can provide financially for my family, and that I simply enjoy.
That’s the dream.
My hope is that you read this and feel inspired to share your dream, whatever it may be. Be proud of your dream—it’s your dream and nobody else’s.
Wedding fever has officially subsided. It’s been exactly one month since Mike & I tied the knot and became husband and wife. So, before the lovely details of the day begin to fade away, I want to write about just how incredible July 22, 2017 was in my life.
Well, I should first start by saying it wasn’t just July 22- it was the whole long weekend and the entire honeymoon. It began as soon as Mike & I crossed the Sagamore Bridge into the Cape on that Thursday. After we unloaded odds & ends for the wedding at our venue, The Dennis Inn, we checked into the house he rented for the four days (the place he would have his groomsmen and friends before the wedding!), dropped our bags and walked to the beach. Jumping in the cold Atlantic Ocean together seemed like the perfect way to begin what would be some of the best days of our lives. That night, we had our first ever “dual-family party” and some of our immediate family members who have never met finally got to. The flower girls practiced throwing petals, my mom made a teary-eyed speech, and my thoughts kept going to how “right” this newly merged family felt.
Before we knew it, rehearsal day was here and we were welcoming our family and wedding party to the Dennis Inn to lounge by the pool before the official festivities began. Us ladies started making ourselves at home in the bridal suite, getting mani and pedis by Cape Cod Mobile Nail Company. All fun and games until I was walking down the aisle with my parents and saw Mike at the end of the aisle when it really hit me that this moment was finally happening– that our special day was about to become a reality. After the practice-run had been completed, it was time to get the celebrations started. And celebrations to Mike and I typically mean some sort of fantastic food so it was time to chow down on lobster and clam chowder. As the rehearsal dinner ended, so came the rest of our guests that were here for the entire weekend! All of our closest friends and family here to celebrate our love– I remember feeling overwhelmed as I looked around that night and saw the mix of family, friends from home, friends from college, colleagues, even one of my doctors had made it for the “night-before” festivities. I think that’s one of the most special things about a wedding– having every corner of your life represented, melding into one life together- it’s a kind of love and gratefulness I’ve never experienced before and am so thankful that I had the opportunity to feel it.
And then the day we’ve dreamt of for so long came.
Speaking for the ladies, we woke up and were lucky enough to be led thru a beautiful “wedding morning yoga flow” by Mike and I’s weekly yoga instructor from Somerville. It was so meaningful to me to start my day with the women in my life that I love so much doing something that means so much to me. Some of them had never done yoga before, some of them may have been a bit hungover from the welcome party the night before, but they all showed up and participated because they knew it meant a lot to me. I felt about a million times more relaxed and calm when we finished and in the right mindset to take on such a big day in my life. Plus, I needed my “yoga glow” in order to look my best. And then it was onto becoming a beautiful bride!
When I was growing up, my mom used to remind me how important getting butterflies in your stomach was. She would leave me notes that had butterflies on them after high school heartbreaks and tell me that one day the butterflies would return. So when I heard the music begin and I looked out the bathroom window to watch Michael walk down the aisle, I was delighted to feel my stomach flip and hundreds of butterflies flutter around my belly. In truth, however, those butterflies are nothing new- he’s been giving me butterflies since the moment I met him. As I walked outside to walk down that aisle, my parents on each side, I felt like I was floating. I wasn’t nervous- I was excited. Beyond excited. I was thrilled- elated- grateful- so so so very happy. I was finally marrying the man I’ve wanted to marry for what feels like a lifetime. I was being given the opportunity, that on some days throughout these five years, I wasn’t sure I’d get to have. In fact, the month leading up to the wedding I had been having trouble sleeping and getting really anxious about “making it” to the wedding. Some bad thoughts were going thru my head that I believe were arising because of just how much I wanted this day to happen- how much I wanted to marry my Michael. So in that moment, as I walked towards him on that sunny afternoon, surrounded by all those we love, as birds were chirping and Halo was being played in the background, I truly felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
But then something amazing happened… that feeling of “luckiest girl in the world” came over and over and over the rest of the day.
I felt it when Mike said his beautiful vows
I felt it when I heard Dr.Mandy pronounce us husband and wife
I felt it when Mike spun me around and my dress twirled like I’ve always dreamt of
I felt it when Phoebe appeared in a beautiful flower collar so we could take pictures with her
I felt it when I listened to my dad give the most incredible speech
I felt it when he thanked the entire table of nurses and doctors from Dana Farber and every single guest rose to their feet to cheer and give them the praise that they all deserve
I felt it when I looked around at dinner and saw everyone I love in one room
I felt it when I, as well as everyone else, was sweating profusely from dancing so hard
I felt it when the last song, Young Forever, came on and everyone made a circle around us as we danced and took the moment in
I felt it when we went upstairs after everyone had left and we popped a bottle of champagne and looked thru the pictures and notes from the photobooth
I felt it when I laid my head on the pillow and couldn’t sleep because I was still smiling as I replayed every detail of the day
I felt like the luckiest girl in the world and one month in, I still do. I married my best friend and you can’t ask for much better than that!
So as we crossed over the Sagamore Bridge back to Boston, it was easy to be okay with “our day” being done. We had 10 days of honeymoon Hawaiian living to look forward to and the rest of our life together to be excited about!
Thank you to everyone that celebrated with us that day, and to everyone that sent us blessings and well-wishes. We are two very lucky individuals to have you all in our lives.
Lots of love & light,
Jessy
More wedding pics and a video I made of footage from our honeymoon!
In a few days, I get to marry Michael. It feels like this day has been on my mind for years. Not just the day I get to wear a pretty white dress, but the day I get to marry my best friend. The day I get to commit myself to another human being- my person- in front of everyone that we love.
If I’m being honest, there have been so many moments in the past year- but especially in the past month, that I’ve let the stress of planning–essentially the biggest party of my PlansMorans career— get in the way of how joyous this period is supposed to be. I’ve become consumed in the details and the stress of making everything perfect. My temper has been short and my feelings have been easily hurt and the ironic part is that that man that I’m marrying is the one who has received the brunt of it. (Also my mom….my mom has seen some tears.) So, if you’re reading this Mike– I’m sorry, I love you, I promise my fuse is not typically this short! Thank you for dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions.
But as of tomorrow, the planning will be over and the celebrating will begin. And by Friday, nearly everyone that means the most to us will be on the Cape to help us celebrate. I can’t get over how amazing that’s going to be. When else in your life are you surrounded by, truly, all those you love? Hometown friends, college friends, mentors, in our case- our incredible team of doctors and nurses and of course, both of our families? It’s an occasion that we’re lucky to experience and I so want to relish in every second… I want to soak up every ounce of love and bottle it up!
But since I can’t physically bottle up this weekend, my goal is to take mental snapshots. Remember Mike’s face, remember our officiants words, remember the feel of hugs from friends and family. Remember the butterflies in my stomach when we kiss for the first time as husband and wife. Remember the euphoric feeling when looking around and seeing faces from near and far. Remember how bad my feet hurt after a night of epic dancing. But most of all, I hope I remember the feel of Mike’s hands holding mine, the look in his eye when he promises to be my husband, the wind whipping past my cheek as he spins me around the dance floor. I want to remember every detail from the day I become the wife of the man I love so much, my partner in life, my best friend, my soulmate.
I am so excited for this day, this weekend, our honeymoon but I am most excited for another chapter in our life to begin together. In the six years we’ve known each other, we have experienced a lot of ups and downs- career struggles and stress, a cancer diagnosis, a mother lost, but babies (and a puppy!) have also been born, we’ve traveled, we’ve laughed, we’ve danced, we’ve had so many firsts, we’ve had so many happy moments together. With each hurdle, we’ve stuck together and lifted each other up. And with each positive experience, it’s felt more intense, more beautiful, more incredible because we’ve had each other to share it with.
Meeting Michael was the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. Making it to the day that I get to marry him was a far-away dream. For a brief moment, that dream flickered, but on Saturday it’s a dream that gets to come true. And that makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. My life is better with him in it- our lives are better with each other in it- and for that, I am overwhelmingly thankful.
To everyone who has been a part of supporting, nourishing and bringing happiness to our relationship- thank you!
Mike & I were both on vacation for the week of the Fourth so we went to our favorite beach, Jeness in NH one day. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect. Not a cloud in the blue sky, a slight breeze to keep comfortable and the sun shining in every essence. It shined on my body, my soul and my mind.
I needed a day of peace and sunshine. A day to listen to the waves and chatter of families and friends. I needed a day to rejuvenate my mind as lately I’ve been feeling like I’m running on empty. Small things have upset me, my feelings are easily hurt and I send myself into a state of sadness too often. Life is good. But I’ve been having a hard time remembering that lately. Too much time spent checking off “tasks” that seem important during the day but when I take a second to think about it, aren’t actually that significant. I haven’t given enough time to keeping my mind in a positive, healthy space and it shows thru my rollercoaster of emotions. It’s easy to forget, but keeping our minds healthy takes some time and effort.
The beach always helps me press the reset button, however. It helps me slow down and appreciate the beauty of the day and the life I’ve been given. It helps remind me of the respect I have for our great Mother Earth. It helps remind me of how grateful I am for having Mike in my life and how excited I am to marry him in 13 days (ahhh!!). And it also reminds me of little things in life that I’m grateful for too, like the fact that it’s a blessing that I live in a country where I have the right to go to the beach and swim in the waves in a bikini!! The beach is my place to help disconnect me from the “world” and in turn, it connects me so deeply to what’s important in my life and the real world that surrounds me.
I hope that you take the time to go your happy place more often- to go wherever it is in the world that helps you reconnect to the important things in life. Because, taking the time is important.
Did people talk to each other on public transportation before mobile devices?
I’m working downtown for my new job and it’s easiest to take the train. Everyday I become more fascinated by how so many individuals can be in one location and nobody talks to each other. Nobody even makes eye contact. Most people are on their phones, texting, listening to music, checking emails, reading. Clearly, many are connecting with other people- just none of the other humans near them. It’s such a weird concept- kind of like being on an elevator – to be sharing, many times, super personal space with another individual but make no connection. Why is that? I’m totally guilty as I listen to my music and people watch. I probably would text or email or go on social media if I could but I’d crush my data in a day so I don’t. As I people watch, it’s interesting to see everyone’s moods, expressions, attitudes. Hundreds of people packing into a single object like a can of sardines most likely to do the same thing- go to work or to go home from work- but rarely is an acknowledgement made.
Even though the vast majority of us are riding the train for the same reason, it’s different than when we go on the train to go to a Celtics game- those rides, there’s a clear sense of comeroddery- we act nice towards others because we know we’re rooting for the same team, we’re doing the same thing- we must be “like each other.” But aren’t we all like each other when we’re going to work too? Just trying to make a few bucks to help put food on the table, a roof over our heads, pay for cable, save up for that vacation, to spoil our pets.
Since I’m taking the train twice a day now, every time I get on, I think about this concept and it’s been kind of bumming me out. But then I was walking to Sullivan Station one morning and I notice some new graffiti below the underpass.
“Even though I don’t know you, I need you….. #FabricOfOurLife”
And there it is. I’m not the only one feeling the disconnect with one another. Whoever this person is, they feel it too.
I’m not sure how long Somerville authorities will keep this one up, but I hope they do for a little while- it made me think. I think it’ll make others think.
We may not know each other but we all need one another. I’m going to remember this before I make eye contact with someone on the train and quickly look away… maybe tomorrow, I take the time to smile. Who knows, that person could use a smile.
I haven’t written a blog post since my port was removed. That was March 13.
I thought that by not writing about cancer or talking about cancer, I wouldn’t think about cancer. But there’s still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. To be honest, there’s hardly an hour that goes by without it popping into my mind.
Is writing like riding a bike?
Can you not write for years and then start back up again- like you never stopped?
I hope so, cuz I’m ready to start riding again. Wait, I mean writing.
Four months of being a stay-at-home pup mom brings up a lot of emotions and they varied everyday. One day I would be jacked up when Mike got home, so excited to talk to someone- to a HUMAN! Omg! And then others I’d be down, unable to keep a conversation because I felt so bad about myself. I felt guilty that I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t making money for our family, and that I didn’t have a better direction of where I wanted to go than I did the day before. I over-compensated by trying to do every single household chore one can think of. I became an award-winning chef. I got to spend time with family members that I know I wouldn’t have been able to if I had been working full time. There was so much good that happened in these months yet some days seemed so very difficult, so lonely and sad. What I learned, is that I need some sort of structure, I need to have a purpose, I need to feel part of a team. More than be part but I need to feel like I’m an equal part to the team. It’s essential to my happiness. Without it, I feel unworthy. Whether or not that’s a healthy realization, that’s yet to be determined. But it certainly is true for me. I’ve begun telling myself “I am worthy” during meditation. That’s because I am. But I don’t always believe it. I don’t always believe that I am worthy of this life I have been given- one with many abundances, many positive relationships, and above all, one that is healthy again. Feeling worthy is essential. It’s a piece of life I definitely haven’t mastered but I’m working on. I hope you read this and remind yourself that you’re worthy too. You’re worthy of all the good things that have happened to you, you’re worthy of all the blessings you’ve been given, you’re worthy of this life… your life.
With that simple post, I feel accomplished and I feel like I can start writing again. I’ve had my down moments in the past 3-4 months but I also have had amazing moments- I’ve gone tubing with my whole family, I’ve helped throw and had my own bridal shower & bachelorette party! I’ve traveled to Vermont, Florida and Austin. I’ve gone on long walks with phoebs on the beach. I watched my baby brother graduate college. I’ve gone to sporting games and concerts. I picked out my WEDDING ring! I’ve done SO much actually now that I’m looking back. And the best part is that new things are happening and there’s so much more to look forward to! I want to remember every bit of it… so it’s time to start documenting!
Happy weekend! Hoping you get to soak up the rays of sun that have finally decided to come out to play! ☀️
This Monday, I woke up and went to the Brigham with my mom and Mike. I checked in and got into a johnnie and hopped up into the bed. In a weird way, it felt normal. Being in a hospital bed, although I haven’t been for nearly a year, felt comfortable. Instantly, I was brought back into a world that I should feel very scared of and anxious around but instead, I feel a sense of security. I know to an outsider, and maybe even my family members, that must sound really strange and kind of unhealthy but for me, it’s true. Of course, I was nervous about the procedure and any complications that could’ve arisen but as I sat there in the underground’s of the Brigham by myself waiting for the doctor or nurse to come see me, I was at ease. I wasn’t supposed to be “figuring out my life” or thinking about what I want to do next or applying for jobs, all of which I feel completely lost and unsure of myself doing. Somehow, sitting in a hospital bed, I felt confident, I felt peace knowing I was exactly where I should be at that moment. I was there to put a final close on my leukemia chapter.
I was there to get my port removed.
(For those of you unfamiliar, a port is a permanent IV line that stays in your chest and allows you to give blood and receive medications through. Below is a pic of what it looks like).
It was a day I have dreamed of for so long, incredibly surreal to believe the day had finally come. This thing, this piece of plastic and tubing that’s been a part of me for the nearly three years. Originally, it felt so foreign and I hated how much it stuck out from my chest. However, I slowly began to have a deep respect for it as I started to realize how it was the gateway to my health. Sometimes when I was at yoga, for example, and the instructor would say to put our hands over our hearts, I’d put one hand over my heart and one over my port. I started thinking of my port as a part of me, and started imagining it as my second heart. One that allowed my original heart to keep beating; it was the catalyst that kept me alive and I am so grateful for it.
However, this Monday it was time to part ways, and to my moms delight, when I asked the doctor if I could keep it, she graciously said, “no, unfortunately we have to put it in our hazardous waste disposal.” I get it, it sounds strange to try to keep it but I wanted to because of the fact it was such an enormous and important aspect of my journey. I wanted to keep it with my other mementos from my “cancer chapter.” So I was kind of disappointed, strangely enough. But I realize, I guess I don’t need to physically hold onto something because I’ll always hold onto as a part of who I am. I will look at the scar on my chest for the rest of my life and remember exactly what was there, and exactly how blessed I am that all I have left is that minor battle wound. It’s one that I’m immensely proud of.
So today, after two days of being sleepy and one day being kind of grumpy (I’m sorry Mike 😢 I do love you), I got myself out of the house and met with Dr. Mandy at Dana Farber, not because I had an appointment but because we wanted to catch up and chat as two friends. Dana Farber isn’t home, nor should it ever be, but I’d be lying if I didn’t feel at home there. Who would’ve thought?
Lots of love & light,
Jessy
p.s. final pic is me today… a flat chested lady once again 🙂
In 2014, I had just received the professional pictures back from our family vacation—Mike and I were matching – shiny bald heads.
The Inspiration Initiative 