The Happiness Struggle is REAL

What a difference 36 hours can make. 

I left work at 8pm on Friday, a 12 hour day. A day full of meetings, emails and reports. As I got in my car and started driving down the highway, I lost control of my emotions when I once again started thinking “what am I doing?” I cried, and cried the whole way home. I look at my diagnosis as a blessing now since I have grown so much from it and truly believe I am and will live a better, more positive life. However, the blessing that it is to so truly feel the power of “making each day count”can come as a burden as well. There’s a beauty in naive bliss. Before I was diagnosed, I was doing the same thing I’m doing now. But it seemed okay, I was striving for the weekend. Working for Friday at 5pm. Today unfortunately that doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t want to only enjoy 2 days of the week. It is an overwhelming thought– what is going to truly make me happy, AND make me money? That thought got me so worked up to the point that I was shaking, yelling, saying “eff this shit” as I angrily drove home. When I walked in the door, my face was all puffy from crying and I let Mike have it. And as always, he was there for me. He took my hand and let me rant and reminded me that we would figure it out. In this moment, I wasn’t okay. I think in our society it’s almost taboo to say you’re “not doing so great” when someone asks you how you are? I’m guilty of it. Even when I’m not fine, I always say I’m doing really good. But here it is– sometimes I’m not good. Sometimes I’m not happy. Sometimes I’m anxious. Sometimes I’m angry. Sometimes I’m just not feeling it. And I think that’s okay. I think we should all feel more empowered to say how we actually feel more often. Life isn’t perfect and admitting that you’re day or week hasn’t been so good doesn’t mean that you’re ungrateful but you’re simply being truthful to yourself and others at that time.

But I started this blog with, “what a difference 36 hours can make.” And it can. This became a weekend full of activities and it was exactly what I needed. I needed to focus on being physical, getting out my frustration, and centering my mind to be in a more positive place. 

So like every Saturday, Mike and I started our day with outdoor yoga by the most amazingly powerful woman! 

  
  
Then we cleaned the house like maniacs. There’s a part of me that enjoys a good cleaning session. I was sweating and scrubbing the tub on my hands and knees and DAMN did it feel good when I got it looking shiny white. 

Then it was night and I headed to the Gorham Mansion in Waltham for a nighttime, blacklight yoga session underneath the stars. I was by myself, which I was nervous about, but I did it and it felt great. Looking up to the open sky and feeling the cool breeze on my face was rejuvinating and revitalizing. 

   
   
And FINALLY! Me and my Jessie woke our bums up EARLY today and got to Burlington by 715 in the morning to do a 5K with color paint/powder being thrown all over us. It was wild and way more fun than I had expected. Plus, we ran the whole time which I was super proud of us about! Being silly with your girlfriend while getting a workout in, LOVE that combination! 

   
    
  
Net net of this random blog post is to always try to remember that tomorrow can be better and that you have the choice to make it better. Maybe if I had brought that thought to the forefront on Friday, I would have had a more enjoyable ride home 😢🙈

I hope you all found a piece of happiness, fun and rejuvenation on this weekend. 

Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

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10 Reasons Why I Love You

Today’s a big day, it’s Michael’s birthday. So today, my bear, I want to tell you the 10 reasons why I love you the most.

1. Your smirk
2. How you give me endless scratchies
3. Your perfection of the crab dance
4. You’ve made my friends and family yours
5. The way you write me love notes
6. The fact that you love buff chix nachos as much as me
7. The way you make me giggle everyday
8. You slow dance with me in the living room
9. You are Plans Stevens and I’m Plans Moran
10. The fact that you’ve stuck by my side, holding my hand, giving me kisses and hugs, every single day of this past year
I simply love you, with all my heart, forever and ever, to the moon and back. SO MUCH.
Happy birthday,
Jessy
p.s. bald is beautiful.
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Thankful on Thanksgiving

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This year for Thanksgiving I have a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes lately that’s hard to remember but it’s definitely true. So today I want to write about what I’m thankful for.

First and foremost I’m thankful for my amazing family. Without them, I don’t know where I’d be or how I would’ve survived the past nine months. Their support and love have given me strength when I’ve been frustrated, tired and sad. Family also includes Mike because if he’s not family then I don’t know what is. Without him, I couldn’t do this. I’m thankful everytime he walks through the door from work. I’m thankful every time he hugs me when I’m down or kisses my forehead when I’m crying. I’m thankful every time he makes me laughs and writes me love notes. I’m so very very thankful that he came into my life.
I’m thankful for my friends, near and far, I realize how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. Friends that go above and beyond to make me feel loved. Friends that help keep it light and make having fun easy.
I’m thankful for my amazing team of doctors and nurses. I have been blessed with the most incredible men and women to treat and take care of me. Doctors that are brilliant and caring and nurses that are warm and compassionate but also funny and real.
Lastly, I’m thankful for my health. It might seem counterintuitive since I clearly am not the healthiest person in the world right now but I’m still here and I’m on my way to being cured. Because of that fact, I still smile everyday and I still feel so blessed for all that I do have in my life.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.
XOXO,
Jessy

Life is Good

Yesterday I was a cancer slayer. Today I get to be a spoiled lady with the best boyfriend in the world on a long weekend getaway in Portsmouth, NH.

Seafood chowder is on it’s way, the sun is shining, seagulls are chirping, I can smell the saltwater and feel the ocean breeze. Can’t get much better than this.

Today I feel blessed. Happy. Today I’m appreciating the day and all it has to offer. I’m feeling present in this moment and all my surroundings. Life is a crazy, unexpected, beautiful, wonderful thing.

Enjoy today and all it’s beauty!

XOXOX,
Jessy

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Crazy for the Carter Family

I haven’t written in for what feels like forever. Mostly because I really have had no updates…nothing that I felt was worthy enough to write about. Each day has been generally the same. I’m home, I’m tired, I’m sometimes nauseous and I’m still dealing with a headache that has been here for literally over a month. On a “good” day, I have a visitor or have the energy to make dinner, maybe do some laundry, go for a walk or yoga. Nothing exactly over-the-top exciting. Well, except for my new-found talent of knitting– teaching myself this craft has actually been super exciting! So it sounds negative but I’ve felt like, what do I really have to say? And honestly today didn’t start much different than the rest but today took a turn for the fabulous and I now have something to say…something really really exciting to announce and it has absolutely nothing to do with cancer. TODAY MIKE AND I SCORED TICKETS TO THE “ON THE RUN” JAYZ AND BEYONCE SUMMER TOUR!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!

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It sounds so silly but this is the most excited I have been over something in a few months. I love Beyonce. I love JayZ. I love Blue Ivy. Plain and simple, I love the Carters. They are the best and I’ve been chirping about how the two of them need to go on tour together for quite some time and FINALLY my dream has come a reality. And this is just what I needed– I needed something to put on my calendar besides my next hospital stay. It’s something fun, it’s something exciting and something I really am going to get to look forward to!

So a big thank you to my wonderful boyfriend for coming through and getting me the best form of medicine I could ever ask for! I might not be Drunk in Love lately but I’m certainly still Crazy in Love (see how I did that!? hehe)  

All hail the Queen Bey,

Jessy   

p.s. I need to learn this move before June 30th. 

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Day 22

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Today is the twenty second day of being here at Brigham & Women’s Hospital, floor 7D. Today I cried. Today, like almost every other day, I woke up to doctors coming in my room to examine me and ask me questions. It really wasn’t unlike most other days but for some reason today I hit a wall. I hit a wall of “I want my life back.” I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to have a thousand people pop their heads in “my” room. I don’t want to be in this room. I don’t want one more hospital or frozen meal. I don’t want to poked at and given shots. I don’t want my vitals taken. I don’t want write down how much I’m peeing. I don’t want my fingertips to feel numb. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. 

I am closer than I have been to going home but I’m feeling farther away from it today. I need to remember all the good things that I have my life and that’s exactly what I’m going to do with this blog. Number one good thing in my life? The people. I am so fortunate to have the most amazing support group and they have helped me get through these twenty two days better than I ever would’ve expected myself to.

I’m lucky that every morning I’ve had a card to open with my breakfast, filled with loving and meaningful words that brighten my spirit and help me feel rejuvenated. This has something that truly has made such a difference in making each day better and I know that not every patient is as lucky. For that, I am so thankful.  

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I’m lucky to not only work for a fabulous company currently that has been so incredibly supportive during this hard time and have sent me gifts, well-wishes and most importantly VISITORS but I’m lucky that that I also have worked for another unbelievably thoughtful company in the past who although I no longer work there took the time to create the most beautiful gift. An origami mobile filled with words of inspiration and encouragement from coworkers. It’s bright, beautiful and unique –I can’t wait until it’s hanging in my home.  

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I’m lucky that everybody wants me to have soft lips….

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I’m lucky that I met the most amazing group of girlfriends in college. Friends that will last my entire lifetime. Friends that make me laugh harder and smile bigger than just about anything. Friends that, although scattered literally across the continental U.S. somehow were able to work together to all pitch in and surprise me with the most beautiful bracelet I’ve ever seen. A bracelet that is engraved and corresponds with the longitude and latitude coordinates of where we all met– Tampa. This gift literally took my breath away because how could it not? How blessed am I to have people this thoughtful in my life? So to my Tampa Betches, you girls have and will always have my heart. 

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I’m lucky that I have the two best friends by my side through this whole thing. Who are more like sisters to me than friends. They’re both always here. Both always have been and always will be. And there’s nothing better than that. 

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I’m lucky that people have, simply put, spoiled me. Spoiled me with the softest blankets to ever touch a BWH bed, the fluffiest stuffed animals in all the land, copious amounts of candy, reading material to last me a year, endless tools to make me the craftiest Somervillian of all time, and most importantly my own personalized bottles of Sweet Baby Ray’s Buffalo Wing Sauce.

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I’m lucky that I have the most supportive family I could ever dream of. A sister that’s my best friend and talks to me every day and sees me every chance she gets. A brother-in-law that makes even hard situations a funny one. A little brother that has traveled back from NYC too many times to see me and be with me. Grandparents that text with me everyday (yup, that’s right. Every single one of my grandparents text!) Parents that have been to this hospital almost every single day to give me hugs and kisses and the love that I need more anything else right now. And of course, a niece that sends me stupid adorable pics of herself every day that make me happier than I can even describe. 

(I’ll take any chance I get to show off how adorable this baby is. seriously. she needs to become a baby model— get on that Courtney.) 

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I’m lucky that this guy has slept next to me…in a cot. Every. Single. Night. All 22 days. He didn’t need to do that, but he does it because it makes me feel safe and happy. He does it because he loves me, a lot. And that makes me the luckiest girl in the entire world. 

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So I started writing this blog a little down in the dumps and now, now I feel better. Because how can I not? I have SO much to be thankful for and to feel lucky about. 

I’m off to paint. 

XOXO,

Jessy 

p.s. Here’s the last thing I feel lucky for…I feel lucky that I didn’t choose this 1980’s Metal Band Rockstar Wig. 

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