The Happiness Struggle is REAL

What a difference 36 hours can make. 

I left work at 8pm on Friday, a 12 hour day. A day full of meetings, emails and reports. As I got in my car and started driving down the highway, I lost control of my emotions when I once again started thinking “what am I doing?” I cried, and cried the whole way home. I look at my diagnosis as a blessing now since I have grown so much from it and truly believe I am and will live a better, more positive life. However, the blessing that it is to so truly feel the power of “making each day count”can come as a burden as well. There’s a beauty in naive bliss. Before I was diagnosed, I was doing the same thing I’m doing now. But it seemed okay, I was striving for the weekend. Working for Friday at 5pm. Today unfortunately that doesn’t seem right to me. I don’t want to only enjoy 2 days of the week. It is an overwhelming thought– what is going to truly make me happy, AND make me money? That thought got me so worked up to the point that I was shaking, yelling, saying “eff this shit” as I angrily drove home. When I walked in the door, my face was all puffy from crying and I let Mike have it. And as always, he was there for me. He took my hand and let me rant and reminded me that we would figure it out. In this moment, I wasn’t okay. I think in our society it’s almost taboo to say you’re “not doing so great” when someone asks you how you are? I’m guilty of it. Even when I’m not fine, I always say I’m doing really good. But here it is– sometimes I’m not good. Sometimes I’m not happy. Sometimes I’m anxious. Sometimes I’m angry. Sometimes I’m just not feeling it. And I think that’s okay. I think we should all feel more empowered to say how we actually feel more often. Life isn’t perfect and admitting that you’re day or week hasn’t been so good doesn’t mean that you’re ungrateful but you’re simply being truthful to yourself and others at that time.

But I started this blog with, “what a difference 36 hours can make.” And it can. This became a weekend full of activities and it was exactly what I needed. I needed to focus on being physical, getting out my frustration, and centering my mind to be in a more positive place. 

So like every Saturday, Mike and I started our day with outdoor yoga by the most amazingly powerful woman! 

  
  
Then we cleaned the house like maniacs. There’s a part of me that enjoys a good cleaning session. I was sweating and scrubbing the tub on my hands and knees and DAMN did it feel good when I got it looking shiny white. 

Then it was night and I headed to the Gorham Mansion in Waltham for a nighttime, blacklight yoga session underneath the stars. I was by myself, which I was nervous about, but I did it and it felt great. Looking up to the open sky and feeling the cool breeze on my face was rejuvinating and revitalizing. 

   
   
And FINALLY! Me and my Jessie woke our bums up EARLY today and got to Burlington by 715 in the morning to do a 5K with color paint/powder being thrown all over us. It was wild and way more fun than I had expected. Plus, we ran the whole time which I was super proud of us about! Being silly with your girlfriend while getting a workout in, LOVE that combination! 

   
    
  
Net net of this random blog post is to always try to remember that tomorrow can be better and that you have the choice to make it better. Maybe if I had brought that thought to the forefront on Friday, I would have had a more enjoyable ride home 😢🙈

I hope you all found a piece of happiness, fun and rejuvenation on this weekend. 

Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

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First Day Down

Today was my first day back to the working grind. It was for sure a mix of emotions. It felt just like the first day of high school, I was anxious all day yesterday, could barely sleep last night and then the day came. I had trouble getting myself out of bed in the morning, not because I was too tired but because I felt so overwhelmed at what the day would bring. But get out of bed I did and to Framingham I headed. As I walked into my cube this morning, everything was just how I had left it 11 months ago. The new 2014 calendar was still up, “Punta Cana vacation” highlighted March 7-14, cereal in my drawers, and my trusty heating pack still sitting on my desk as I had been using it to help ease my back pain (soon to find out it wasn’t exactly “back pain.”) It was surreal. Nothing had changed but everything had changed. I’ve worked 11 months to get back to where I sat today, I’ve gone through what feels like hell and back to get my life back. But it hit me as I sat there at 5:30 with the lights starting to dim that I’m not getting my old life “back.” I’ve got a new one, a very different one than the one I had left. One that is filled with much hope, determination, fear, anxiety, love and fight. I still have a long way to go, about 15 months more of treatment to be exact. There will be good days and there will be bad days, but as Mike reminded me last night, if I can get through what I’ve been put through in the past year, I can make it through a few stressful and tiring days of work. Just need to put my head down and tough it out. I might be be small and fragile looking on the outside, but I’m a warrior princess on the inside. And warrior princesses can do just about anything.

So tomorrow, I’ll be back at it again…back in my cube, back in meetings, back on emails and back on social media but I’m back with a little chip on my shoulder and a lot of things to prove, not just to my colleagues but myself.

Bring it.

XOXO,

Jessy

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