Today is the twenty second day of being here at Brigham & Women’s Hospital, floor 7D. Today I cried. Today, like almost every other day, I woke up to doctors coming in my room to examine me and ask me questions. It really wasn’t unlike most other days but for some reason today I hit a wall. I hit a wall of “I want my life back.” I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to have a thousand people pop their heads in “my” room. I don’t want to be in this room. I don’t want one more hospital or frozen meal. I don’t want to poked at and given shots. I don’t want my vitals taken. I don’t want write down how much I’m peeing. I don’t want my fingertips to feel numb. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t.
I am closer than I have been to going home but I’m feeling farther away from it today. I need to remember all the good things that I have my life and that’s exactly what I’m going to do with this blog. Number one good thing in my life? The people. I am so fortunate to have the most amazing support group and they have helped me get through these twenty two days better than I ever would’ve expected myself to.
I’m lucky that every morning I’ve had a card to open with my breakfast, filled with loving and meaningful words that brighten my spirit and help me feel rejuvenated. This has something that truly has made such a difference in making each day better and I know that not every patient is as lucky. For that, I am so thankful.
I’m lucky to not only work for a fabulous company currently that has been so incredibly supportive during this hard time and have sent me gifts, well-wishes and most importantly VISITORS but I’m lucky that that I also have worked for another unbelievably thoughtful company in the past who although I no longer work there took the time to create the most beautiful gift. An origami mobile filled with words of inspiration and encouragement from coworkers. It’s bright, beautiful and unique –I can’t wait until it’s hanging in my home.
I’m lucky that everybody wants me to have soft lips….
I’m lucky that I met the most amazing group of girlfriends in college. Friends that will last my entire lifetime. Friends that make me laugh harder and smile bigger than just about anything. Friends that, although scattered literally across the continental U.S. somehow were able to work together to all pitch in and surprise me with the most beautiful bracelet I’ve ever seen. A bracelet that is engraved and corresponds with the longitude and latitude coordinates of where we all met– Tampa. This gift literally took my breath away because how could it not? How blessed am I to have people this thoughtful in my life? So to my Tampa Betches, you girls have and will always have my heart.
I’m lucky that I have the two best friends by my side through this whole thing. Who are more like sisters to me than friends. They’re both always here. Both always have been and always will be. And there’s nothing better than that.
I’m lucky that people have, simply put, spoiled me. Spoiled me with the softest blankets to ever touch a BWH bed, the fluffiest stuffed animals in all the land, copious amounts of candy, reading material to last me a year, endless tools to make me the craftiest Somervillian of all time, and most importantly my own personalized bottles of Sweet Baby Ray’s Buffalo Wing Sauce.
I’m lucky that I have the most supportive family I could ever dream of. A sister that’s my best friend and talks to me every day and sees me every chance she gets. A brother-in-law that makes even hard situations a funny one. A little brother that has traveled back from NYC too many times to see me and be with me. Grandparents that text with me everyday (yup, that’s right. Every single one of my grandparents text!) Parents that have been to this hospital almost every single day to give me hugs and kisses and the love that I need more anything else right now. And of course, a niece that sends me stupid adorable pics of herself every day that make me happier than I can even describe.
(I’ll take any chance I get to show off how adorable this baby is. seriously. she needs to become a baby model— get on that Courtney.)
I’m lucky that this guy has slept next to me…in a cot. Every. Single. Night. All 22 days. He didn’t need to do that, but he does it because it makes me feel safe and happy. He does it because he loves me, a lot. And that makes me the luckiest girl in the entire world.
So I started writing this blog a little down in the dumps and now, now I feel better. Because how can I not? I have SO much to be thankful for and to feel lucky about.
I’m off to paint.
p.s. Here’s the last thing I feel lucky for…I feel lucky that I didn’t choose this 1980’s Metal Band Rockstar Wig.
4 thoughts on “Day 22”
Jessica, you are a SWEETHEART…I just LOVE reading your BLOGS, you have amazing writing talents,and an amazing personality. I can’t think of a person who would be as BRAVE and COURAGEOUS as you have been for these past 22 days. The pictures you have put on are PRICELESS, and I rather like the wig you were wearing…You can now try all different hair styles , in fact whatever you have on your head you will look BEAUTIFUL …..LOVE the picture of you and Mike…Lots of love, Jessica and Mike…Stay STRONG…lots of prayers heading your way…xoxoxoxo, Barbara
Jessie you are a wonderful and beautiful young lady. I wish I could take on your pain. I think being down a few times is a very normal thing. We can’t be up all the time. Remember God loves you very much. I’m not going to be preachy. Your lucky to have such a wonderful loving family. I can hardly wait to meet Mike. I loved the head pieces. Where in Somerville is Webster St? You take care and you will be home before you know it. I love you, Auntie Mona.
Dear God Jessica, you are truly one amazing young lady! You my dear, inspire me every day with your courage, never ending enthusiasm & love. I am glad you let your guard down to have a good cry. You need to release yourself of all the pain & frustration but fortunately, you always come back to all you have that’s truly good in your life. I feel like a better person after reading your amazing blogs- & for that I say:”thank you.” We are all never sure of how much time we are allotted on this planet, but making the most of each day & finding the good in people to go thru this journey with is all that matters. I know you’ll come the other side & reflect on these days for many years to come. But you will be a better person for it all, because you “get it.” Lots of love & healing vibes sent your way Jess!
Jessica, I look for your blog updates just about everyday now. You are truly remarkable and inspiring. Your strength, whether a good or not so great day, is empowering. The amazing group of people surrounding and supporting you is incredible. Thank you for sharing this journey with us, it will teach us all so much!
You are in my thoughts during this time. Sending LOTS of well wishes and health your way (if anyone will kick cancers ass it is YOU). xo