6 Weeks In

I used to count how many months “down” I was. But tonight, I can say I’m a month and a half “in” and headed back to Dana Farber for the first time as a “graduated” patient tomorrow. It’s already been 6 weeks since I got my last dose of chemotherapy and my body and mind are finally beginning to truly heal. After two years of a tingly tongue and numbness in my fingertips, those underlying & continuous feelings have gone away. So have much of my fatigue, headaches and nausea are gone. I no longer have to stop eating two hours prior to going to bed because of a daily chemo pill. I’ve gotten to lift life restrictions.

I’ve had a dirty martini. 🙌🏼


I’ve eaten sushi.


I’ve gone in a public pool and hot tub and not worried about getting an infection.


And had a mani/pedi day with my best without worrying about going against doctors recommendations not to in order to reduce risk of more infections.


I’ve gone to the Red Sox game with friends and stayed out too late on a work night.


I’ve become obsessive over the new Beyonce album. (Download ‘Freedom’ and then try telling me she’s not my soul sistah)

I’ve done yoga and felt strong the entire time.


I’ve had a 24 hour get-away with Michael


I’ve lived six weeks of a “free me” and damn, it feels good.

I still have so much to work on and mentally get through; some days I’m good and some days I’m emotional. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, I still don’t know exactly why I was given this second shot but I’m so grateful for it. I’m so happy to get to live my life!
Lots of love & light,

Jessy

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I Worried. But it’s okay, cuz I’m Yonce Anyways 

 First  off, I can’t begin to express the feeling of overwhelming love and support I have felt this past week and especially in the past 24 hours. Without doubt, your prayers, radiating energy, good thoughts and positive vibes are what allows me to say that I HAVE AMAZING NEWS TO SHARE!!! My numbers have bounced back up so I am no longer neutropenic and I am able to get back on my treatment today! My bone marrow is cancelled until we need to do it during the final week, which is now currently scheduled for March 30th!!!!! We’re cutting one of my nightly chemotherapy pills in half the dosage so that the lower dosage will hopefully mean that we don’t have more issues like this. Obviously if I come in next week and the numbers have plunged again then we’ll have to reconvene but for now, I am able to go to work tomorrow and go to my retreat this weekend. Right now my heart feels so full, my body finally feels relaxed  and my mind is still buzzing but with all positive energy.

This was the Instagram video I put up right before coming in. My comment was that ” eff you leukemia, you can’t break my spirit.” And I was right, didn’t and won’t ever break my spirit!!!

My spirit has been able to stay strong because of all of you incredible souls who send me positive energy, prayers and well wishes. It’s what pushes me through weeks like last and helps keep a smile on my face.

So thank you, for the thousandth time, thank you! You are all amazing and I am forever grateful. 
Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

New Year, Same Me

  
You hear a lot of “new year, new you” chatter around this time. And although I like the sentiment of making resolutions to improve your life and update something in your world that could use extra time and energy, I like to think that it’s not a new me doing these things, it’s the same me with an improved mindset. 

This year, my resolution is to take at least 5 minutes to myself every day. To lay down on my yoga mat, stress relief oil burner on, feet up in the air, left hand on my heart, right hand on my stomach and really feel grateful for the moment and the day that I just had. Even when I don’t have time to do an entire yoga practice, I’ve found that taking a few minutes to do some deep breathing, stretching out the kinks, and thinking about of the things I’m thankful for can significantly help my mindset and can make me feel better even during a hard day. But often times I don’t make “time” for it, when the reality is I always have 5 minutes. Always. 

And as the quote says, I firmly believe that a positive mind moves to positive vibes and makes a positive life.

So whatever your resolution is for 2016, I hope you stick with it and make it a positive change in your life. But do you, you’re beautiful just the way you are! 
Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

Own Your Story 

  
I didn’t do a motivational Monday post last week because I couldn’t find anything fitting. Lately I’ve been feeling anxious. Feeling overwhelmed knowing that the end is FINALLY in sight. How if it’s not all I have dreamed it would be? How if it’s not really the end of my road with leukemia? I had spent the previous Wednesday, in a private infusion room because I needed to be alone. Because I couldn’t stop randomly crying. I hadn’t been able to sleep the night before thinking about all those what ifs. Those thoughts then lingered in my head throughout the morning and shoved me into a downward spiral to negative thoughts and depressing feelings.

 It took me three full days to get out of the slump. I took a lot of licks from Phoebe and hugs from Mike. Words of encouragement from my family. And advice/love from my incredible team of nurses. I needed everyone’s support. This time, I couldn’t do it by myself. 

So last Sunday night when I went to find a motivational Monday post, I just couldn’t do it. I felt like too much of a fraud to try to be motivating when I had been unable to motivate myself in the days prior. So today’s post is about being true to yourself, being true to your story. We all have our moments of strength which are great to embrace but we also all have moments of weakness, whatever that may be. And that’s okay. We can’t always be strong. We can’t always have a smile on our face. We’re allowed to have a bad day. Or two, or three. Or however many it takes to get your mind right. 

So while I certainly don’t wish bad days upon any of you, I also understand the realities of life and that it’s bound to happen. So my hope is that you can embrace those days or moments and allow yourself to try to really feel your feelings. Allow yourself moments of weakness and love yourself anyways.

This was my story last week and I know I will continue to struggle with this far past March 26th but I’m going to try to learn to embrace it a little more and love myself through the moments of weakness.
Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

P.S. Belated Merry Christmas to all my readers. I had a wonderful few days with Mike’s family, my family and then a day at home in our pjs with our little family! I hope your day was wonderful! I’m going to post pics later this week! 🙂

Motivational Monday

  
This quote makes me smile. It’s simple and kind of silly but SO true. At the heart of it, it means do what makes you happy. Lord knows I listened to it this weekend… I ate plenty of desserts and drank all the O’Doules my little heart desired. As we go into the new week, let’s try to remember to live in the moment because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving weekend!

Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

One Day at a Time

I was walking to Starbucks this afternoon in this blistering cold weather that has fast come upon on us. Bundled up but enjoying a few minutes outside with the sun shining on my face. All of a sudden, I felt overwhelmingly nauseous. As I’ve learned quite well, it helps to just slow down my breathing and take a moment to calm down. Many times, that can subside the feeling and I can move on. Today however, while I was going through this somewhat common routine, I got a shot of annoyance run through my body. I’m sick of being sick, I thought. I’ve come so far from where I’ve been so when I really think about it, I am so blessed. But sometimes in the heat of the moment, I just want to feel fully healthy. My treatment dosage has been getting continuously upped the past few months as we work to get my counts to the lowest possible that I can handle. The point being is that the more chemo my body can handle, the more they want to give to increase my chances. TOTALLY get it. But TOTALLY sucks at the same time. Everytime I’m feeling relatively good, it means that my “counts” are normalizing which means we can increase the amount given which essentially knocks me down. Last week, they said they think we’re finally at a low enough level that they’re happy with. But I’ve definitely felt the difference. I’m more lethargic and achey than I have been in the recent months and the waves of nausea hit me whenever they please. And I’m just over feeling achey, or tired or nauseous or having a headache. I’m so anxious to feel “normal” again.

I don’t know what I wanted out of this blog post other than to get my frustrations out. It’s been 20+ months of treatment and not feeling well and I’d be lying to say I wasn’t more than ready to feel like a healthy individual again. Lucky for me, I know that day will come. Hopefully in 4 months and 1 day. (Yes, I have a countdown app. #SueMe)


As always, thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. Thanks for being there for me as I continue to walk down this road to regaining my strength and health. It means the world to have you all beside me.
Lots of love & light,

Jessy