Tag Archives: life

A Slap In the Face with Reality

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Yesterday, like every Wednesday, I went in for my weekly dose of chemo.

Yesterday, unlike every other Wednesday, I was sent home without getting any chemo.

As always, they drew my blood to see what my levels were at, and unlike always, they discovered that I was neutropenic. What neutropenic means is that my white blood cells (specifically, the ones that fight off disease & infection called neutrophyls) are extremely low. To put it into perspective, a “healthy” person is above 1,000 and mine yesterday were at 150. I’ve been at this type of level before but not in a long time and only during times that I was being hospitalized. Being “neutropenic” means that I’m at an extremely high risk of infection, whether it be the common cold or flu or something more serious. Either way, if I were to catch something and get a fever of 100.5 or more, my ass would be back at the Brigham. And as fabulous as everyone is on 7D at the Brigham, that’s not where I’m looking to do overnights anymore. So, I was put onto house arrest. No going out in public unless it’s absolutely necessary until my counts are back into an okay range. Unless I go get them re-checked this weekend, that means I’m slumming around our Slummerville palace until I’m back at the Dana next Wednesday. I know that some people may read that and think, “so lucky, you get to work from home– you have an excuse to not be able to leave the house”– but that’s exactly what I don’t want. Yes, I would love to stay home for a normal reason and snuggle with Phoebe all day but that’s not what this is. The last thing I wanted to do was have to email my relatively new boss and tell her I can’t come into the office because “it’s too risky” for me. Do you know how embarassing that is? How awkward it will be when I go back to the office and people ask how I’m feeling or if I were sick? I have the options to either lie to them and act like I had the cold, awkwardly say something like “health issues” (which I used in an email today, SHOOT ME) or explain why I really was working from home which is honestly mortifying and awkward for everyone involved.

What’s more, is that my issue of not going into work is honestly the least of my worries right now. My bigger worry is that this pushes back my end date. I hadn’t announced it here on the blog because I didn’t want to jinx myself, so guess that didn’t matter. I am scheduled to end treatment on March 16, 2016. That’s 42 days from now. 42 days!!!!!!!!!! If I go in next week and my counts haven’t climbed back to 1,000 then I don’t start my new round of chemo (I’m on three week cycles, so next week is “week 1” which means an additional form of chemo and the start back up of steroids and my 2 week chemo pill). And if I don’t start my next round next week, then March 16th gets pushed back. And I just can’t have that happen. I need March 16th. I want it so badly. I want to finish this chapter so incredibly much, it’s hard to explain.

Yesterday, my nurse Andrea told me not to worry. Dr. Mandy gave me a call at night and reminded me that these things happen and just to rest and enjoy being home. But I can’t not worry. I’ve been in such a good place lately, chugging along, week by week, that a bump in the road now feels like a big stumble. Since the beginning, my dad has compared this journey so eloquently so the Boston Marathon– we’ve talked many times about the various points I was “at” during the race– it will be about 26 months from when my symptoms started to when my treatment ends so it’s fitting the the marathon is 26(.2) miles. But Heartbreak Hill is mile 19 through 21– and I’ve passed mile 21. I’m rounding in on the Citgo sign now. The end is in sight– my feet are numb and my knees feel like they’re about to buckle but I can do this. As I’ve said so many times to myself over the past 24 months…I am strong, I am loved and I can get through this.

Like so many times before, when I started writing this blog, I felt bitter and pissed off but as I finish, I’m reminding myself that whether the finish line comes on March 16 or another day, I’m going to finish the race.

Lots of love & light,

Jessy

 

Favorite Things

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I’ve always been a big Sound of Music fan– the entire movie is just incredible. But this song is the epitome of what makes it’s awesome. It’s so important to remember the little things in life that make us happy so here are a few of my favorite things:

  1. Chatting with Mike in bed after we turn off the lights
  2. Being outdoors and watching the water
  3. Riding waves in the ocean and feeling the salt water splash upon me
  4. Relaxing with family and friends
  5. Feeling sunshine hit my face
  6. Being in shavasana after a hard yoga session
  7. Getting back scratchies
  8. Sitting in a hot tub
  9. Getting kisses from Phoebe
  10. Reading in bed
  11. Listening to my niece laugh and watching her dance

What are some things that make you happy? Deep down to your core happy?

I bet you just thinking of a few of these things will make you smile.

Lots of love & light,

Jessy

Breathe Easy

Posted in Health & Wellness, Quotes by

take a deep breath

I don’t know if it’s the steriods I’m on that’s making me feel like this, but I can’t stop thinking about all I have to do. Life, in general right now, is busy. Work’s picking up, I have personal obligations that I need to complete, I’m trying to take my first online class on Coursera, there are trips I need to research and schedule (which is fun but takes a lot of time!), I want to read this, write that, schedule this, plan that, prepare for this or that. All of a sudden there seems like a pile of tasks to check off the list. So today, this motivational Monday is just as much as it is for me as it is for all of you. I need to remember to breathe. The tasks will slowly come off the list– and if some have to get postponed, that’s okay. Today, I need to remember to BREATHE. To inhale all the good that’s in my life, take a big beautiful breath of positive energy, close my eyes and see the light and exhale any negative thoughts or feelings that don’t serve me well.

There are so many benefits to deep breathing — beyond just helping to calm your mind, but physical benefits that can truly make a difference in your daily health.

Make sure you’re doing it correctly, however, to gain the best benefits. First inhale through your nose, expanding your belly and filling your chest. Count to 5. Hold and count to 3– feel all your cells filled with golden, healing, balancing Sun light & energy. Exhale fully from a slightly parted mouth and feel all your cells releasing waste and emptying old energy.

So trust in the fact that you’re where you need to be today, everything that is meant to happen is happening. Breath the certainty in and any worry out that you may have. Today is a good day.

Lots of love & light,

Jessy

For more information on the benefits of taking time to do some deep breathing, here’s a list of 18 physical benefits from the One Powerful Blog:

1. Breathing Detoxifies and Releases Toxins
Your body is designed to release 70% of its toxins through breathing. If you are not breathing effectively, you are not properly ridding your body of its toxins i.e. other systems in your body must work overtime which could eventually lead to illness. When you exhale air from your body you release carbon dioxide that has been passed through from your bloodstream into your lungs. Carbon dioxide is a natural waste of your body’s metabolism.

2. Breathing Releases Tension
Think how your body feels when you are tense, angry, scared or stressed. It constricts. Your muscles get tight and your breathing becomes shallow. When your breathing is shallow you are not getting the amount of oxygen that your body needs.

3. Breathing Relaxes the Mind/Body and Brings Clarity
Oxygenation of the brain reducing excessive anxiety levels. Paying attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly, deeply and purposefully into your body. Notice any places that are tight and breathe into them. As you relax your body, you may find that the breathing brings clarity and insights to you as well.

4. Breathing Relieves Emotional Problems
Breathing will help clear uneasy feelings out of your body.

5. Breathing Relieves Pain.
You may not realize its connection to how you think, feel and experience life. For example, what happens to your breathing when you anticipate pain? You probably hold your breath. Yet studies show that breathing into your pain helps to ease it.

6. Breathing Massages Your Organs
The movements of the diaphragm during the deep breathing exercise massages the stomach, small intestine, liver and pancreas. The upper movement of the diaphragm also massages the heart. When you inhale air your diaphragm descends and your abdomen will expand. By this action you, massage vital organs and improves circulation in them. Controlled breathing also strengthens and tones your abdominal muscles.

7. Breathing Increases Muscle
Breathing is the oxygenation process to all of the cells in your body. With the supply of oxygen to the brain this increases the muscles in your body.

8. Breathing Strengthens the Immune System
Oxygen travels through your bloodstream by attaching to haemoglobin in your red blood cells. This in turn then enriches your body to metabolise nutrients and vitamins.

9. Breathing Improves Posture
Good breathing techniques over a sustained period of time will encourage good posture. Bad body posture will result of incorrect breathing so this is such an important process by getting your posture right from early on you will see great benefits.

10. Breathing Improves Quality of the Blood
Deep breathing removes all the carbon-dioxide and increases oxygen in the blood and thus increases blood quality.

11. Breathing Increases Digestion and Assimilation of food
The digestive organs such as the stomach receive more oxygen, and hence operates more efficiently. The digestion is further enhanced by the fact that the food is oxygenated more.

12. Breathing Improves the Nervous System
The brain, spinal cord and nerves receive increased oxygenation and are more nourished. This improves the health of the whole body, since the nervous system communicates to all parts of the body.

13. Breathing Strengthen the Lungs
As you breathe deeply the lung become healthy and powerful, a good insurance against respiratory problems.

14. Proper Breathing makes the Heart Stronger.
Breathing exercises reduce the workload on the heart in two ways. Firstly, deep breathing leads to more efficient lungs, which means more oxygen, is brought into contact with blood sent to the lungs by the heart. So, the heart doesn’t have to work as hard to deliver oxygen to the tissues. Secondly, deep breathing leads to a greater pressure differential in the lungs, which leads to an increase in the circulation, thus resting the heart a little.

15. Proper Breathing assists in Weight Control.

If you are overweight, the extra oxygen burns up the excess fat more efficiently. If you are underweight, the extra oxygen feeds the starving tissues and glands.
16. Breathing Boosts Energy levels and Improves Stamina

17. Breathing Improves Cellular Regeneration

18. Breathing Elevates Moods
Breathing increase pleasure-inducing neurochemicals in the brain to elevate moods and combat physical pain – See more at: http://www.onepowerfulword.com/2010/10/18-benefits-of-deep-breathing-and-how.html#sthash.yKZxzcMv.dpuf

January 12

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Today marks one year since I went back to work. Today also marked a day of exhaustion for me. Today I was dreaming of having that winning billion dollar lottery ticket… I was feeling officially “over” being  a working woman. (Phoebe waking us up last night at 4am and basically not going back to bed added A LOT to those feelings.) I hadn’t remembered that it was my one year anniversary until I was home and making dinner. Instead all day I had thought about how tough it is to work when you’re tired and in general how tough working full time still is for me right now. How quickly I forget how blessed I actually am to be working? How quickly I forget that THIS is what I wished for for nearly an entire year.

I felt guilty about how ungrateful I had been all day when ironically it was a special “work” day for me. But then I’m writing in my journal before finally getting to go to bed (what I dreamt of all day!) and this quote spoke to me so much. I can continue to feel guilty about these natural feelings or I can take this as a lesson and be reminded of the blessing that it is to have a paying job and a career that I enjoy is. 

Lesson learned, teacher. 

With that said, I’m thankful to have been able to work for a full year, but it’s time for bed. 💤💤💤

Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

New Year, Same Me

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You hear a lot of “new year, new you” chatter around this time. And although I like the sentiment of making resolutions to improve your life and update something in your world that could use extra time and energy, I like to think that it’s not a new me doing these things, it’s the same me with an improved mindset. 

This year, my resolution is to take at least 5 minutes to myself every day. To lay down on my yoga mat, stress relief oil burner on, feet up in the air, left hand on my heart, right hand on my stomach and really feel grateful for the moment and the day that I just had. Even when I don’t have time to do an entire yoga practice, I’ve found that taking a few minutes to do some deep breathing, stretching out the kinks, and thinking about of the things I’m thankful for can significantly help my mindset and can make me feel better even during a hard day. But often times I don’t make “time” for it, when the reality is I always have 5 minutes. Always. 

And as the quote says, I firmly believe that a positive mind moves to positive vibes and makes a positive life.

So whatever your resolution is for 2016, I hope you stick with it and make it a positive change in your life. But do you, you’re beautiful just the way you are! 
Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

Onto 2016

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2015 was far better than 2014. For many reasons, but most importantly this year brought me much improved health than the year prior. That improved health allowed for other blessings throughout the year and I’m grateful for the improvements so I wanted to write down some things down that were absolutely awesome about this year. 

1. Spent about 95 days less overnight at the Brigham 

2. Had hair. ALL year. Plus a pony tail at the end.

3. Had way less spinal taps and bone marrow biopsies 

4. Puked a hell of a lot less 

5. Did a thing I like to call “be a working woman”

6. Switched jobs and ditched the long commute 

7. Ran a 5k 

8. Went on vacations with people I love

9. Learned how amazing stand-up paddle boarding is

10. Became a God mother to the sassiest, most beautiful, most hilarious little girl

11. Made a speech about my journey to about 1,000 students at my alma mater 

12. Stood beside an amazing friend as she got married 

13. Saw my girl T-Swift with all three of my besties and a bunch of other ladies I love!

14. Bettered my yoga practice & began learning about different philosophies & teachings 

15. Last but certainly not least, became a pup mother

  

I have mixed emotions going into this night, however. I got the pic below in my TimeHop and I got thrown into a surreal feeling of looking at my happy ass before my life got flipped upside down. Mike and I had such a fun night 2 years ago. We went to an incredible dinner in the North End, drank red wine & champagne then hopped over to the best little hookah bar where we sat and sipped martinis until about 11:50. Paid our check and ran over to the water to watch the fireworks go off in the absolute FREEZING cold! It was a glorious night and I remember it so vividly and relish in those memories when I think about my “life before.” 

  
Thinking of that “before” makes me a little sad honestly cuz I’d love to live that night over again. But that’s not how life mworks, you don’t get to go back in time. You only have today and that’s what today’s still pretty good too. It’s different than two years ago… I’m already in my pajamas, we have a pup snuggled up with us and there’s a lasagna about to go in the oven that was made by my amazing nurse Andrea who makes her own pasta, sauce and ricotta!!!   

  
PLUSSS, we just got this picture of these beauties which really just couldn’t have made my heart any warmer. #ILoveBeingAnAuntie 

  

So net net is tonight’s still pretty nice too. 

I have waited 22 months and 11 days for the clock to strike midnight and my phone to say 2016. I can’t really believe it’s here, I can’t believe we’re about to hit the year that I’ll get to begin to close my cancer chapter. But I’m excited so let the countdown officially begin.

Thank you to all my amazing family, friends, nurses, doctors, coworkers, blog readers, and incredible boyfriend for your continued support and endless love. I am grateful tonight and grateful always. 

All the love & light in the world going into 2016.
Jessy 

Own Your Story 

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I didn’t do a motivational Monday post last week because I couldn’t find anything fitting. Lately I’ve been feeling anxious. Feeling overwhelmed knowing that the end is FINALLY in sight. How if it’s not all I have dreamed it would be? How if it’s not really the end of my road with leukemia? I had spent the previous Wednesday, in a private infusion room because I needed to be alone. Because I couldn’t stop randomly crying. I hadn’t been able to sleep the night before thinking about all those what ifs. Those thoughts then lingered in my head throughout the morning and shoved me into a downward spiral to negative thoughts and depressing feelings.

 It took me three full days to get out of the slump. I took a lot of licks from Phoebe and hugs from Mike. Words of encouragement from my family. And advice/love from my incredible team of nurses. I needed everyone’s support. This time, I couldn’t do it by myself. 

So last Sunday night when I went to find a motivational Monday post, I just couldn’t do it. I felt like too much of a fraud to try to be motivating when I had been unable to motivate myself in the days prior. So today’s post is about being true to yourself, being true to your story. We all have our moments of strength which are great to embrace but we also all have moments of weakness, whatever that may be. And that’s okay. We can’t always be strong. We can’t always have a smile on our face. We’re allowed to have a bad day. Or two, or three. Or however many it takes to get your mind right. 

So while I certainly don’t wish bad days upon any of you, I also understand the realities of life and that it’s bound to happen. So my hope is that you can embrace those days or moments and allow yourself to try to really feel your feelings. Allow yourself moments of weakness and love yourself anyways.

This was my story last week and I know I will continue to struggle with this far past March 26th but I’m going to try to learn to embrace it a little more and love myself through the moments of weakness.
Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

P.S. Belated Merry Christmas to all my readers. I had a wonderful few days with Mike’s family, my family and then a day at home in our pjs with our little family! I hope your day was wonderful! I’m going to post pics later this week! 🙂

A Mix of Emotions

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It’s 60 degrees out right now. It’s Decemcer 12th. I’m in heaven, along with every other New Englander. So, after having a leisurely morning with Mike and Phoebe, I strapped on my running gear and headed out to my favorite trail around Somerville. It’s right along the Mystic Riverand is just beautiful. So many people to see but also quiet spots to clear your mind. I stopped multiple times to do yoga in the various parks that overlook the water, including climbing up an old lookout tower that you can see the Boston skyline. It’s just perfect. 
 

  
As I was on my way back, I was running over the bridge, Boston on my right, Somerville on my left, the sun shining right on my face and the most beautiful sight of all: the American Flag waving proudly in the wind. With everything going on in the world right now, it felt like such a special moment. I am so proud to be an American. I am so proud to be from Boston, to be from the U.S.

    
 
 
I like to think I am a pretty gentle human being, I pray for peace and healing of everyone. But that’s certainly not inclusive of the monsters trying to destroy us. Trying to destroy innocent lives. The monsters that live with such evil in their words, minds, hearts and actions. 

I felt such a juxtaposition as I ran over this bridge: immense pride and immense hate ran through my body. 

So to ISIS, the Taliban and all terrorists of every kind… EFF YOURSELVES. I hope you band together and then blow yourselves up, and leave the innocent alone. Then once you’re done blowing up each other, rot in the only place you deserve to be. A fiery fiery hell. 

  
Merry Christmas, you filthy animals. 

I’m sorry, I know that’s not inspirational but it’s how I feel and I had to get it out. 

But I’ll end with this: GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. All of us, no matter what religion, what political party, no matter what region of the country we’re from. We need to be unified. We need to be one. God Bless us all. 

Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

One Day at a Time

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I was walking to Starbucks this afternoon in this blistering cold weather that has fast come upon on us. Bundled up but enjoying a few minutes outside with the sun shining on my face. All of a sudden, I felt overwhelmingly nauseous. As I’ve learned quite well, it helps to just slow down my breathing and take a moment to calm down. Many times, that can subside the feeling and I can move on. Today however, while I was going through this somewhat common routine, I got a shot of annoyance run through my body. I’m sick of being sick, I thought. I’ve come so far from where I’ve been so when I really think about it, I am so blessed. But sometimes in the heat of the moment, I just want to feel fully healthy. My treatment dosage has been getting continuously upped the past few months as we work to get my counts to the lowest possible that I can handle. The point being is that the more chemo my body can handle, the more they want to give to increase my chances. TOTALLY get it. But TOTALLY sucks at the same time. Everytime I’m feeling relatively good, it means that my “counts” are normalizing which means we can increase the amount given which essentially knocks me down. Last week, they said they think we’re finally at a low enough level that they’re happy with. But I’ve definitely felt the difference. I’m more lethargic and achey than I have been in the recent months and the waves of nausea hit me whenever they please. And I’m just over feeling achey, or tired or nauseous or having a headache. I’m so anxious to feel “normal” again.

I don’t know what I wanted out of this blog post other than to get my frustrations out. It’s been 20+ months of treatment and not feeling well and I’d be lying to say I wasn’t more than ready to feel like a healthy individual again. Lucky for me, I know that day will come. Hopefully in 4 months and 1 day. (Yes, I have a countdown app. #SueMe)


As always, thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. Thanks for being there for me as I continue to walk down this road to regaining my strength and health. It means the world to have you all beside me.
Lots of love & light,

Jessy

Not Just Another Day

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Back to Motivational Monday. I’m sorry I’ve been a bit off the track lately but I’m back on.

I loved this quote. With all the new beginnings in my life right now, it really spoke to me. But what I also realize is that you don’t need big changes in your life to embrace this mantra. Every day we wake up and take a deep beautiful breath, we have been given the opportunity to do something spectacular. We’ve been given another chance to make ourselves happy. We’ve been given another opportunity to make someone else happy. We’ve been given another opportunity to make the world a better place.

Every day is another opportunity to take control of your life and embrace a new beginning, even if all that’s new is a new week. Embrace it, make it great.

not another day

Lots of love & light,

Jessy