Tag Archives: inspirational

Count On It

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I was looking at my Instagram account this morning. Flicking through picture after picture and quickly, I got to “BC” pics, or “Before Cancer.” I’ve looked at old pictures a lot in the past three months, there’s a sense of such warmth and goodness to looking at smiles on my friends and family faces. And smiles on myself, reminding me of a life that I was living and loved so much. However, today when I was looking at these pictures, it felt like a previous time. Like a past life. A time that I’ll never get back. Because the truth is, I really will never get it back. I’ll never be the same girl I was when I rang in 2014. But in all honesty, how could I ever think I would be the same person? It wouldn’t make any sense. As with anything difficult in life, you can’t go through it and stay the same person. Isn’t that the whole point of the journey? I remember ringing in the New Year and thinking about just how amazing 2014 was going to be. I had just moved in with Mike a few months before and things were going swimmingly. I had just gotten my first promotion and would be beginning to work on a new brand, doing new and exciting things. I had an adorable 4 month old niece who I loved more than I knew was possible. I had amazing friends and an amazing family. I was feeling truly at the right place at the right time. I was feeling like this was my time. Things were falling into place and years of hard work were starting to come together. I could see clearly of where I was headed, what I wanted to do. And then January 14th I woke up in the middle of the night with the feeling like a tractor trailer was crushing my tailbone. It would take over a month to figure out what that crushing feeling was exactly but I think of that moment now as so symbolic. Symbolic of how quickly life can change. How quickly things can completely take a different turn. Logically, I know that that wasn’t the exact moment that the leukemia hit my blood stream but in my mind, I think of it like that. I think of it like I went to bed on January 13th a normal, healthy 24 year old and I woke up, on January 14th with my life being crushed and ran over by the leukemia tractor trailer. What’s even more symbolic is the fact that I would be struck by this disease, by this horrible, horrible disease on the very day that person who has saved me through all of this was born. January 14th is Mike’s birthday. Mike has made me laugh when nobody else can. He’s made me smile when I’m grumpy. He’s given me hugs when I don’t want to be touched. He’s kissed my forehead when tears are running down my face. He’s made me genuinely happy…happy in a time when I could never have imagined being happy. He truly is my angel. And so it feels fitting that my modern-day angel would be born on the day that I began to truly need him, to depend on him in all the ways a person can really depend on someone other than their self.

As I’m sitting here at my kitchen table writing this post, I’ve lost all sense of my emotions. (it’s probably not helping that Florence & the Machines are on in the background and it’s raining heavily outside). But I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why. I’m having such mixed emotions. I feel so physically and mentally exhausted today. But at the same time, I feel sharp. Recounting in my head all that I’ve been through and thinking about all I will continue to go through has brought me to a sense of clarity. Maybe it is still my time after all.
The question “Why me?” has gone through my head a thousand times. I’ve probably thought it 10 times just sitting here writing this post. But it suddenly dawned on me that I should stop questioning “why me” and try to feel grateful for being “chosen” to go through this journey. If I view it as something I was chosen for rather than something that just unfortunately “happened” to me, it gives this whole experience a bigger purpose. So why was I chosen? Why me? Because I can deal with it. Because I am so much stronger and better than this disease. Because I am blessed with family and friends that are so much better and bigger than this disease. Because I will walk away from this disease and be a better person. A stronger person. A more caring person. A more giving person. A person that helps others and makes a difference in the world. “AC” Jessy will be so much better than “BC” Jessy.
Count on it.
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XOXO,
AC Jessy

All You Need Is Love…and Friendship

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I haven’t written a blog post in a week. I’ve started them, but haven’t been able to finish. I’ve wanted to write one but haven’t been able to find the right words for how I’ve been feeling. Because quite honestly, I’ve been feeling just about everything but inspirational. I still don’t know if I have the “right” words to say but I do know that it’s healthy for me to get out how I’m feeling and that’s what I shall do. Because my hope is that one day, I’ll read this back and it’ll be just a reminder of what I went through and how far I’ve come. And I gotta be honest, I can’t wait for that day. So March 26, 2016 (two years from remission)— get at me.
Last week, I received an email from Dr. Mandi (one of my two absolutely fabulous doctors). I had asked for some sort of outline of the next two years so I could get a better understanding of what was really ahead of me. So I got it, just like I had requested, and it scared the absolute hell out of me. Two years of treatment spelled out in front of me. Two years of a lot of procedures, appointments and chemotherapy. Two years of my life not being my normal life, not being the one I want to live. And being not even two months “in,” it pushed me over a cliff of anxiety, sadness and anger. This past week was hard… both physically and mentally. My body is achey. My head is still pounding from a spinal tap I got 10 days ago. I’m tired, really tired. But worse than the physical annoyances, I’ve been mentally struggling to stay above water. I felt so many emotions and none of them were positive. I felt sad, lonely, overwhelmed, confused, and honestly, pretty pissed off. Pissed off that so many important things in my life have been pushed back or paused. Pissed off that my whole life I’ve always tried to make healthy choices for myself and this still happened. Pissed off that things like taking a shower is a production. I found myself being jealous of complete strangers for reasons like they have long hair or are jogging or walking a dog. I was finding myself having to talk myself out of bed in the morning. And so when Dr. Mandi’s email came and I read, line by line, how intense the next two years will be, it scared me, because I felt like I can’t handle two years of weeks like this.
All in all, I was having a big pttty party for myself and I knew it. But I couldn’t snap myself out of it.
But then Thursday night came and for the first time in days, I went to bed with a big smile on my face. Not because I felt physically any different than the rest of the week, and not because I magically was feeling more positive. Thursday was different because it was the start of a weekend with three of my best friends… one who lives in Boston, one who lives in Chicago and one who lives in North Carolina. And the excitement of spending an entire weekend with my girlfriends was just the medicine I needed. Our time together was different than a typical girls weekend, consisting mostly of ‘lounging’ and relaxing but simply being together took my mind off of everything else and made me happy. So the power of friendship prevailed over anxiety, anger and sadness. Prevailed just when I needed it to. Just when I couldn’t pick myself up on my own. Friends and laughter and love picked me up and gave me something to look forward to and be thankful for and to simply enjoy. Because snuggling on the couch, watching trashy tv, eating candy and making each other giggle is one of the most enjoyable pastimes a girl could ever ask for.
Now my girlfriends have all gone home and it’ll be just me again this week but I feel different than I did on Thursday morning. I feel different because I’ve been reminded that these next two years won’t all be like last week. Some will be, yes. But there will also be a lot of days that are happy and fun and enjoyable. And those are the days that I’m going to think about and look forward to when I begin to put on my pitty party hat again.
So CHEERS to fabulous girlfriends!
XOXO,
Jessy
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p.s. this Sunday I’m thankful for 1. my girlfriends (duhhh), 2. Uncle Fred (my adorable stuffed bear), and 3. the weather finally starting to warm up (but lets face it, I could use another 20 degrees warmer).

Sunday Thanks

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March 29, 2014

This Sunday I’m thankful for:

1. The internet – yesterday I couldn’t connect to the internet and I have to admit, being stuck in a hospital room and unable to check email, go on Facebook, blog, read Buzzfeed, connect to Spotify or watch YouTube videos literally blew my mind. Like what the eff am I supposed to do?!? It made me realize how lucky I am to be going through this experience during a time period that not only gives me the ability to stay entertained but also allows me to stay connected to the people and things I love.
2. Pizza– I’ve been thankful for this glorious piece of life since I was in the womb but last night and today I’m extra thankful. Since I’ve been getting nauseous recently I’ve lost my appetite for some foods. But not pizza. Had it last night. Having it cold again right now and it’s always, always a win.
3. Soft Jammie’s– chemo is uncomfortable. Simple as that. But putting on comfy cozy pajamas isn’t. And I’ve been spoiled with about 20 new pairs of unbelievable new jams. So every time I slip on a soft pair of my fashionable new pajamas, I think “this feels good. Damn good.”

What are you thankful for today? I want to hear! I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend and has a fabulous week ahead!

XOXO,
Jessy

Hard Day Down, One Step Closer

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Disclaimer: This is not a sunny post. I need to get out how I’m feeling right now and right now, I’m a little cloudy… cloudy with no chance of North End meatballs.

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Yesterday I received extremely positive news— I’m officially in remission! REMISSION!!! Meaning that when they pulled my bone marrow on Wednesday, it came back clear of any cancer cells. Hallelujah! However, factually, they know that if we do not continue to fight the cancer cells they will absolutely come back. So continue to fight we will.
But I found myself unable to truly feel the excitement that should have accompanied this amazing news. News that my body is kicking some serious ass. News that I am going to live. L-I-V-E. This is huge news, obviously, but I felt so little relief. I had become overwhelmed with emotional and physical pain yesterday. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were, to say it simply…a lot. I had prepared myself for Wednesday but not Thursday and Friday. I hadn’t understood that I would be back in the hospital so quickly and was feeling so frustrated about it. I also hadn’t been able to prep myself for how I would physically feel… which was terrible. My whole body ached. Every joint hurt when I moved, or laughed. My head felt like a tractor trailer was sitting on top of it— and the only thing that brought any relief was to sit in the dark (and lets face it, I’m all about that light!) And then the nausea started and I couldn’t keep anything down. And throwing up sucks. No better way to put it.

So after blood being drawn, an ultra sound of my stomach and back, a check-in with my doctor and six hours of being in one out-patient room to get a few rounds of chemo, I finally was being transported by wheel chair to the overnight room I’ll be in for the next few days. With a splitting headache and my mom holding my hand, I began to get extremely nauseous and became “that person” getting wheeled by a stranger while puking their brains out into a plastic bucket. Crying. It was one of those moments. A moment I don’t think I’ll ever forget because I’m not sure I’ve ever felt lower or more beaten in my life. Not because of the pain but because of the way it made me feel about myself. It was embarrassing and down right demoralizing. I wanted nothing more than to grab Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak and hide. Better yet, I wanted to wake up from what I feel like is a horrible nightmare. But I can’t. Because it’s not a nightmare, it’s my life right now. And as much as that sucks, it’s life. It’s my life and it’s still a good one. In fact, it’s a great one. And I’m lucky to be here. Even in low moments like that one.

Around midnight I was able to get on medication for what was causing all my symptoms and it’s helped a lot. At 3am I got hooked up to a type of chemo that runs into my veins for 24 hours straight… so I’ll be here at the Brigham for a while but feeling much better today am going to try to do some things I enjoy. Like blog. and paint. and sleep— hopefully!

So all-in-all, not my favorite few day but those days are now in the past and that means I’m one step closer to winning this game. I thought I’d leave you with a fab quote that my dad said yesterday as he sat by my side all day, 9am to 10pm. As the true sports announcer he is, he compared my remission news into a perfect Boston sports analogy… “When the C’s were murdering the Lakers in Game 6 of the 2008 NBA Finals, they didn’t stop playing hard at the half when they were ahead by over 20. They kept fighting and kept playing their asses off until the buzzer hit 00:00 because they knew that’s what they had to do to win the game.” And win they did… by a NBA Finals’ record of 39 points. And that’s what I’m going to do too— keep on kicking ass and keep on playing as hard as I can. Because I’m a competitor and I’m gonna win this game.

Thanks for listening. I’m jumping back on my positive party in just a few minutes.

XOXO,
Jessy

Feeling Anxious

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Remember when I said “anxiety leading up to a challenge is more than half the battle”? Definitely true but definitely easier to talk about than put into action. Just how do you you go about conquering that anxiety? How do you go about taking control of your mind when something has you worried? That’s an answer I just don’t have right now. And as of right now, anxiety has struck.

Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow I go for my first “outpatient” procedure at the Dana Farber Institute to have tests done that will determine if chemo is working properly and I can be considered in “remission.” At that point, I will get a more detailed plan of what my next two years will look like. That will be determined by having bone marrow pulled – a procedure I’ve unfortunately already had done and therefore already know, to be frank, how much it REALLY sucks. And so I’m anxious. Anxious about the physical pain. More anxious about the results. And although I know that getting myself worked up about it isn’t going to help make tomorrow any easier, it’s really hard to control these feelings. So for this battle, I really am hoping that anxiety is truly more than half of it…because that, my friend, means I’m already headfirst into the fight.    

I’ve gotten through it before and I can get through it again. That much I know and that much I will continue to tell myself until this time tomorrow night. Because tomorrow night at this time, I will be back home, on my comfy couch, with the love of my life sitting next to me, eating a bowl of ice cream that I wish could turn into a glass of red. 

XOXO,

Jessy 

“A dark corner …

“A dark corner in a bright room will always be just that; a small speck of darkness surrounded by light. But bring the tiniest bit of light into a dark room? The whole space will light up. Darkness cannot prevail in the light. So be the light. Live the light. Shine. Shine. Shine.”

Sunday Thanks

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I’ve decided I’m going to try to do a post every Sunday and talk about three things I’m thankful for that day. Not all serious or “important” but just little things in my life… right now, that I’m feeling lucky to have. 
 
So here goes for March 23rd…
 
1. March Madness- I’ve always enjoyed the tournament but this year I’m in a few different brackets and seeing as I’m literally home all day I’ve been able to watch almost every game. And this specific year, there’s been some fantastic basketball. Tons of buzzer beater endings, a few that have not gone in my favor but in general, really exciting games. When choosing my teams, I like to have a few underdogs go far because if it happens, it’s so much fun. This year, I decided to go with number 10 seed, BYU to go to the Final Four on account of the word “Juggernaut” being used in their CBS team description. Unfortunately for me, that tactic failed in the first round and I’m now left with just a great team name….#JuggernautJessy. Three different leagues. All #JuggernautJessy. All with the exact same bracket. So right now, as you can see below, I’m pulling HARD for Iowa State. Huge Cyclones fan.   
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2. Living close to my family – when I was about to graduate from the University of Tampa, I felt very torn about whether or not to stay in Florida. I loved that city and all its gorgeous-weather perks but in the end, I decided to come back to New England because I knew I wanted to be close to my family in order to be here for all the little things in life that I knew I wouldn’t want to miss out on. Never have I been happier or more thankful that I made that decision. I couldn’t have gotten through this past month, and wouldn’t be able to get through this next chapter of my life, without them here by my side. Yesterday that lesson rang true yet again when we were able to have a very special day as a family, all together, to re-celebrate my 25th birthday, St. Patricks Day and celebrate my Dad’s 57th birthday.
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3. Bagels and cream cheese- pretty self explanatory but hot damn have I been on a roll with them lately. In my normal life, I typically have yogurt and granola every morning for breakfast but with my appetite out of this world and my body torching calories at a ridiculous rate, I’ve switched over to these savory and absolutely scrumptious morning delights. Asiago anyone? 
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What are you thankful for on this first Sunday in Spring? I hope it’s something fabulous! 
 
XOXO, 
Jessy 

The Next Chapter

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Monday afternoon I walked outside for the first time in 25 days and although too cold for my liking, it was the freshest, most crisp air I’ve ever breathed into my little lungs. Getting to sit next to Mike as we drove home through our fabulous city made me the happiest, proudest Bostonian to have ever lived. Stepping into our home was overwhelming but beautiful at the same time. I felt a sense of relief and gratitude that I was able to be in my own home again, as I know not everyone dealt this hand is always as fortunate. Then together Mike and I jumped into the most gloriously comfortable bed I’ve ever laid in and spent a few minutes simply enjoying being together in our home and in our bed. It was a moment I’ll never forget. 
 
And then there was Pizzeria Regina’s. Never have I shoveled food such like a wild animal in my life but I wouldn’t have done it any other way. Buffalo chicken pizza. Pineapple & prosciutto pizza. Mediterranean Greek Salad. 
Nom. Nom. Nom. 
 
With all the excitement of being home, there also came a very daunting feeling. Because as I woke up in my own bed yesterday morning and everything in my home was physically the same, nothing was the same. The last time I woke up in this bed I went to work like every other day not knowing what life was about to hand me. Since that day, my life has flipped upside down. And while I do truly believe everything happens for a reason and this is just a difficult chapter in what is an amazing life…it’s going to be hard. Really, really hard. 
 
But lucky for me, as with every other day so far in my small journey, my family (that includes you Mr. Stevens) was here to pull me up and help me see all that I am lucky to have. And that it’s not just my life that’s changed but all those that I love lives that changed. And that we’re in this hard, long road together. 
 
Today I had my first visit as an outpatient and it went really smoothly– my doctors and nurses, per usual, were amazing and made me feel comfortable and calm. As scary and new as this experience is to me, they constantly remind me that they do this every single day and are the absolute best at what they do– the reassuring feeling this creates is invaluable. While I was in the hospital, I’m not going to lie, I was going absolutely insane over the terrible food… I watched literally hours and hours of the Food Network (I know, I know I’m as masochist), so after a long but successful morning, Mike and I found a spot that was featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives hosted by my idol Guy Fieri and treated ourselves to some of the most delicious sandwiches I’ve ever eaten. Wooooo chil’ they were good! 
 
So now I don’t have to go back to the hospital until next Wednesday where I will get a bunch of treatments done including my second bone marrow pull. REALLY not looking forward to that but it will tell us something very important– if my leukemia cells have disappeared! And that, that’s some news I want to find out! Until then, I will keep on keepin’ on and enjoying all the little things in life… like silky sheets, snap chatting with The Voice (yup, did that last night), going for walks, painting my nails, looking at old pictures and of course, eating dynamite food. 
 
Happy Hump Day everyone– hope it’s a fabulous week so far! 
 
Xoxo,
Jessy 
 
P.S. I had cold pineapple and prosciutto pizza for breakfast yesterday morning and I didn’t feel one iota of guilt. Probably doing it again tomorrow. 
Sue me. 

Day 22

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Today is the twenty second day of being here at Brigham & Women’s Hospital, floor 7D. Today I cried. Today, like almost every other day, I woke up to doctors coming in my room to examine me and ask me questions. It really wasn’t unlike most other days but for some reason today I hit a wall. I hit a wall of “I want my life back.” I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to have a thousand people pop their heads in “my” room. I don’t want to be in this room. I don’t want one more hospital or frozen meal. I don’t want to poked at and given shots. I don’t want my vitals taken. I don’t want write down how much I’m peeing. I don’t want my fingertips to feel numb. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. 

I am closer than I have been to going home but I’m feeling farther away from it today. I need to remember all the good things that I have my life and that’s exactly what I’m going to do with this blog. Number one good thing in my life? The people. I am so fortunate to have the most amazing support group and they have helped me get through these twenty two days better than I ever would’ve expected myself to.

I’m lucky that every morning I’ve had a card to open with my breakfast, filled with loving and meaningful words that brighten my spirit and help me feel rejuvenated. This has something that truly has made such a difference in making each day better and I know that not every patient is as lucky. For that, I am so thankful.  

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I’m lucky to not only work for a fabulous company currently that has been so incredibly supportive during this hard time and have sent me gifts, well-wishes and most importantly VISITORS but I’m lucky that that I also have worked for another unbelievably thoughtful company in the past who although I no longer work there took the time to create the most beautiful gift. An origami mobile filled with words of inspiration and encouragement from coworkers. It’s bright, beautiful and unique –I can’t wait until it’s hanging in my home.  

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I’m lucky that everybody wants me to have soft lips….

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I’m lucky that I met the most amazing group of girlfriends in college. Friends that will last my entire lifetime. Friends that make me laugh harder and smile bigger than just about anything. Friends that, although scattered literally across the continental U.S. somehow were able to work together to all pitch in and surprise me with the most beautiful bracelet I’ve ever seen. A bracelet that is engraved and corresponds with the longitude and latitude coordinates of where we all met– Tampa. This gift literally took my breath away because how could it not? How blessed am I to have people this thoughtful in my life? So to my Tampa Betches, you girls have and will always have my heart. 

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I’m lucky that I have the two best friends by my side through this whole thing. Who are more like sisters to me than friends. They’re both always here. Both always have been and always will be. And there’s nothing better than that. 

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I’m lucky that people have, simply put, spoiled me. Spoiled me with the softest blankets to ever touch a BWH bed, the fluffiest stuffed animals in all the land, copious amounts of candy, reading material to last me a year, endless tools to make me the craftiest Somervillian of all time, and most importantly my own personalized bottles of Sweet Baby Ray’s Buffalo Wing Sauce.

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I’m lucky that I have the most supportive family I could ever dream of. A sister that’s my best friend and talks to me every day and sees me every chance she gets. A brother-in-law that makes even hard situations a funny one. A little brother that has traveled back from NYC too many times to see me and be with me. Grandparents that text with me everyday (yup, that’s right. Every single one of my grandparents text!) Parents that have been to this hospital almost every single day to give me hugs and kisses and the love that I need more anything else right now. And of course, a niece that sends me stupid adorable pics of herself every day that make me happier than I can even describe. 

(I’ll take any chance I get to show off how adorable this baby is. seriously. she needs to become a baby model— get on that Courtney.) 

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I’m lucky that this guy has slept next to me…in a cot. Every. Single. Night. All 22 days. He didn’t need to do that, but he does it because it makes me feel safe and happy. He does it because he loves me, a lot. And that makes me the luckiest girl in the entire world. 

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So I started writing this blog a little down in the dumps and now, now I feel better. Because how can I not? I have SO much to be thankful for and to feel lucky about. 

I’m off to paint. 

XOXO,

Jessy 

p.s. Here’s the last thing I feel lucky for…I feel lucky that I didn’t choose this 1980’s Metal Band Rockstar Wig. 

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In or out of the hospital…Fridays are the best.

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Today is a good day. I’m over the two week mark of being in the hospital and if everything goes smoothly, I could be in my own bed and eating a home cooked meal in 10 days. WAHOO!!!! Not sure if I’m beginning to go crazy from being locked up in one small room, if it’s all the steroids I’m on or if I’m just feeling really happy today. But whatever it is, I’ve got my gorgeous lei on (courtesy of my Hawaiian lovah Miss Ali Catalano) and me and Uncle Fred just completed my first selfie photoshoot. BOOM.

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Now that I think of it, all this energy is probably the adrenaline I’m still feeling from finishing my first big league acting gig. Oh what’s that you say? Let me explain… I was awoken to my favorite and fabulous nurse asking if I wanted to be in a video they were making about the hospital. Is that even a question? DUH I want to be the featured patient– how fun is that?! So I got up and quickly brushed my short new do, put it in a cute pony and pink headband and hopped back into bed (who says you have to look sickly even if you’re sick). Signed some papers and it was “lights, camera, {hospital} action!” Overall, I would say I did a phenomenal job at my first professional actress– wide eyed, pretend chatting and lots of cheesin’. Possibly a bit too much cheesin’ as they had to ask me to stop smiling so much but hey, who wants to see a grumpy gus anyways? 

After that excitement, I enjoyed a delicious bagel and cream cheese with two very plastic-y pieces of bacon. (gotta take what I can get). The army of doctors came in and had no news. WOO– as they like to say, “no news is good news.” 

Mike is working from the hospital today so I had a buddy to watch the Price is Right’ which is a highlight of the day– could that show be any better? Only if they bring back Bob Barker. But other than that, it’s perfection.

I got my yoga mat a few days ago so I’ve been doing my own little yogi sessions the past few days which have really helped a lot. It makes me feel physically and mentally strong.  

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Mike and I just finished dancing around our room for a bit which is a sure-fire way to make anyone feel good and I’m waiting for my arugula pizza from Trader Joe’s to get delivered while chomping on some delectable Deep River chips (the best ever) —  Life isn’t half bad. 

 

Happy Friday everyone, I hope you’re having a fabulous and energetic day!  

XOXO,

Jessy