Disclaimer: This is not a sunny post. I need to get out how I’m feeling right now and right now, I’m a little cloudy… cloudy with no chance of North End meatballs.
Yesterday I received extremely positive news— I’m officially in remission! REMISSION!!! Meaning that when they pulled my bone marrow on Wednesday, it came back clear of any cancer cells. Hallelujah! However, factually, they know that if we do not continue to fight the cancer cells they will absolutely come back. So continue to fight we will.
But I found myself unable to truly feel the excitement that should have accompanied this amazing news. News that my body is kicking some serious ass. News that I am going to live. L-I-V-E. This is huge news, obviously, but I felt so little relief. I had become overwhelmed with emotional and physical pain yesterday. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were, to say it simply…a lot. I had prepared myself for Wednesday but not Thursday and Friday. I hadn’t understood that I would be back in the hospital so quickly and was feeling so frustrated about it. I also hadn’t been able to prep myself for how I would physically feel… which was terrible. My whole body ached. Every joint hurt when I moved, or laughed. My head felt like a tractor trailer was sitting on top of it— and the only thing that brought any relief was to sit in the dark (and lets face it, I’m all about that light!) And then the nausea started and I couldn’t keep anything down. And throwing up sucks. No better way to put it.
So after blood being drawn, an ultra sound of my stomach and back, a check-in with my doctor and six hours of being in one out-patient room to get a few rounds of chemo, I finally was being transported by wheel chair to the overnight room I’ll be in for the next few days. With a splitting headache and my mom holding my hand, I began to get extremely nauseous and became “that person” getting wheeled by a stranger while puking their brains out into a plastic bucket. Crying. It was one of those moments. A moment I don’t think I’ll ever forget because I’m not sure I’ve ever felt lower or more beaten in my life. Not because of the pain but because of the way it made me feel about myself. It was embarrassing and down right demoralizing. I wanted nothing more than to grab Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak and hide. Better yet, I wanted to wake up from what I feel like is a horrible nightmare. But I can’t. Because it’s not a nightmare, it’s my life right now. And as much as that sucks, it’s life. It’s my life and it’s still a good one. In fact, it’s a great one. And I’m lucky to be here. Even in low moments like that one.
Around midnight I was able to get on medication for what was causing all my symptoms and it’s helped a lot. At 3am I got hooked up to a type of chemo that runs into my veins for 24 hours straight… so I’ll be here at the Brigham for a while but feeling much better today am going to try to do some things I enjoy. Like blog. and paint. and sleep— hopefully!
So all-in-all, not my favorite few day but those days are now in the past and that means I’m one step closer to winning this game. I thought I’d leave you with a fab quote that my dad said yesterday as he sat by my side all day, 9am to 10pm. As the true sports announcer he is, he compared my remission news into a perfect Boston sports analogy… “When the C’s were murdering the Lakers in Game 6 of the 2008 NBA Finals, they didn’t stop playing hard at the half when they were ahead by over 20. They kept fighting and kept playing their asses off until the buzzer hit 00:00 because they knew that’s what they had to do to win the game.” And win they did… by a NBA Finals’ record of 39 points. And that’s what I’m going to do too— keep on kicking ass and keep on playing as hard as I can. Because I’m a competitor and I’m gonna win this game.
Thanks for listening. I’m jumping back on my positive party in just a few minutes.
4 thoughts on “Hard Day Down, One Step Closer”
Jess, you are a sweetheart…You have NATURAL feelings and express them so well. You have a right to feel that way, and it’s wonderful that you can share the way you feel so well…You are a WINNER, and and you will win this as well…xoxoxox
Although we’ve never personally met, I love your sister Courtney! So in an extension, I love you & your spirit! You’re an amazing inspirational young lady! That in itself is a tribute to your parents & family! Having had a stroke 4 years ago & having them tell me at the same time I had MS, I can relate to having a “bad” day! You’re entitled to feel angry & sorry for yourself. But like you said, it was one day & you’re back to you! Although, I’ve never experienced what you’re going through, I can only imagine! Having followed your journey, thus far, you can do anything you set your mind on. You have a beautiful spirit & a most beautiful smile! So keep on keeping on! You have this beat. And remember, you have a HUGE support group…don’t be afraid to say I need you. ♥ Mrs. D
Great job writing, and great job fighting the fight! You are quite the inspiration!
Jessica, this is your Aunt Terri’s sister, Pam. I have been checking your blog from time to time and I have to say, you are one AMAZING young woman! Your strength and attitude are definitely inspirational. I’m sure I would not be that good in the same situation. LOL I think of you so often since I have 2 girls the same ages as you and Courtney. The four of you were in Terri and Mike’s wedding together! 🙂 I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but it is obvious that you have what it takes to kick that cancer’s a*$!! Keep that sunny wit about you and keep blogging. You are remarkable!!!