Three Months Hungry


My first pancreatitis attack happened on August 13th. It’s now November 14th. That’s three hospital stays in the books, about 100 pounds in fluctuated weight, an incredible amount of pain medication down, a stent placed into my pancreas, two months behind on my chemo regimen and three months in the past of simply not eating or not eating the foods I want to eat. In fact, right now, I’m unable to eat anything but “clears” for the next two weeks (clears = broth, apple juice, jello, water). It sounds unenjoyable but not the end of the world, right? I would have guessed that too but not being able to eat is more than that. I’m having such a hard time with it because it’s something that I enjoy doing so much. I enjoy cooking it, I enjoy snacking on it, I enjoy going out to restaurants with my boyfriend and friends, and I enjoy eating it! Food was one of the last things that not much had changed since my diagnosis. And I so revelled in that. So the fact that it got taken away from me just seems unfair. Now, instead of eating, I have a feeding tube that I attach to every night for 14 hours. Not exactly a pasta dinner.

In general, these past few months have left me really down. I’ve been in the hospital 45 days of the three months which is nothing short of miserable. Being in the hospital is a mind game. It’s draining and sad. You become like a hamster. For the majority of the time you’re kept in your little cage where people are constantly coming in and out to either visit, poke you with something or give you medication to take. The latter is my favorite as it hopefully will make me sleepy and I can dose off to kill an hour or two. If I’m being honest, sleeping has become one of my favorite things to do in these past few months because it takes me away from everything. I know that doesn’t sound very inspirational but it’s the truth. Trying to stay positive and keep my spirits up has proven to be harder recently than it had been in the past. I think it’s a combination of this big bump in the road I’ve had (aka pancreatitis) and also the sense that I’ve been at this for almost 9 months now and I still have so much further to go. Today, however, my mom and I are staying in our pajamas all day since it might snow and making Christmas crafts for the holidays. It should be fun and I’m grateful to be out of the hospital and doing something I enjoy… crafts! Now, if I can just get to eating by Thanksgiving, I’ll be making positivity strides all over the place.
Much love for listening to me vent… I had to get this one out.

In or out of the hospital…Fridays are the best.

Today is a good day. I’m over the two week mark of being in the hospital and if everything goes smoothly, I could be in my own bed and eating a home cooked meal in 10 days. WAHOO!!!! Not sure if I’m beginning to go crazy from being locked up in one small room, if it’s all the steroids I’m on or if I’m just feeling really happy today. But whatever it is, I’ve got my gorgeous lei on (courtesy of my Hawaiian lovah Miss Ali Catalano) and me and Uncle Fred just completed my first selfie photoshoot. BOOM.


Now that I think of it, all this energy is probably the adrenaline I’m still feeling from finishing my first big league acting gig. Oh what’s that you say? Let me explain… I was awoken to my favorite and fabulous nurse asking if I wanted to be in a video they were making about the hospital. Is that even a question? DUH I want to be the featured patient– how fun is that?! So I got up and quickly brushed my short new do, put it in a cute pony and pink headband and hopped back into bed (who says you have to look sickly even if you’re sick). Signed some papers and it was “lights, camera, {hospital} action!” Overall, I would say I did a phenomenal job at my first professional actress– wide eyed, pretend chatting and lots of cheesin’. Possibly a bit too much cheesin’ as they had to ask me to stop smiling so much but hey, who wants to see a grumpy gus anyways? 

After that excitement, I enjoyed a delicious bagel and cream cheese with two very plastic-y pieces of bacon. (gotta take what I can get). The army of doctors came in and had no news. WOO– as they like to say, “no news is good news.” 

Mike is working from the hospital today so I had a buddy to watch the Price is Right’ which is a highlight of the day– could that show be any better? Only if they bring back Bob Barker. But other than that, it’s perfection.

I got my yoga mat a few days ago so I’ve been doing my own little yogi sessions the past few days which have really helped a lot. It makes me feel physically and mentally strong.  


Mike and I just finished dancing around our room for a bit which is a sure-fire way to make anyone feel good and I’m waiting for my arugula pizza from Trader Joe’s to get delivered while chomping on some delectable Deep River chips (the best ever) —  Life isn’t half bad. 


Happy Friday everyone, I hope you’re having a fabulous and energetic day!