Three Months Hungry

Nature___Sundown___A_girl_looks_at_the_sunset_042716_

My first pancreatitis attack happened on August 13th. It’s now November 14th. That’s three hospital stays in the books, about 100 pounds in fluctuated weight, an incredible amount of pain medication down, a stent placed into my pancreas, two months behind on my chemo regimen and three months in the past of simply not eating or not eating the foods I want to eat. In fact, right now, I’m unable to eat anything but “clears” for the next two weeks (clears = broth, apple juice, jello, water). It sounds unenjoyable but not the end of the world, right? I would have guessed that too but not being able to eat is more than that. I’m having such a hard time with it because it’s something that I enjoy doing so much. I enjoy cooking it, I enjoy snacking on it, I enjoy going out to restaurants with my boyfriend and friends, and I enjoy eating it! Food was one of the last things that not much had changed since my diagnosis. And I so revelled in that. So the fact that it got taken away from me just seems unfair. Now, instead of eating, I have a feeding tube that I attach to every night for 14 hours. Not exactly a pasta dinner.

In general, these past few months have left me really down. I’ve been in the hospital 45 days of the three months which is nothing short of miserable. Being in the hospital is a mind game. It’s draining and sad. You become like a hamster. For the majority of the time you’re kept in your little cage where people are constantly coming in and out to either visit, poke you with something or give you medication to take. The latter is my favorite as it hopefully will make me sleepy and I can dose off to kill an hour or two. If I’m being honest, sleeping has become one of my favorite things to do in these past few months because it takes me away from everything. I know that doesn’t sound very inspirational but it’s the truth. Trying to stay positive and keep my spirits up has proven to be harder recently than it had been in the past. I think it’s a combination of this big bump in the road I’ve had (aka pancreatitis) and also the sense that I’ve been at this for almost 9 months now and I still have so much further to go. Today, however, my mom and I are staying in our pajamas all day since it might snow and making Christmas crafts for the holidays. It should be fun and I’m grateful to be out of the hospital and doing something I enjoy… crafts! Now, if I can just get to eating by Thanksgiving, I’ll be making positivity strides all over the place.
Much love for listening to me vent… I had to get this one out.
XOXO,
Jessy
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6 thoughts on “Three Months Hungry

  1. There’s never anything wrong with a good vent…I’ll be praying that you’ll be able to gorge on some yummy Thanksgiving food very soon! Hope you and your mom had a fun day!

  2. What a festive day that must have been! So basically you’re getting in on all the pre-Thanksgiving, Christmas hype…hahaha just kidding. That’s one of the memorable things we get to do as mums…spend quality time building memories with our children. As much of a distraction as it was…I bet there was also a lot of laughter…and walking down Memory Lane.
    Jess- When you are old, with (a full head of)gray hair and grand children at your feet…this will be an “event” in your life that has shaped you, made you aware of blessings it will take the rest of us a lifetime to understand (if we’re humble & silent enough to hear and comprehend).
    Your venting, aka Blogging is an awesome tool for you, I bet even therapy…but my goodness Jess…..thru your pain you are an inspirational light to so many others!!! We are all right behind you thru prayer and love pushing you thru the next tough day…
    With love and GREAT admiration…Hugg
    Cindy

  3. Hang in there Jessy! I feel so badly for all that you are going through! When I was in 5th grade and hospitalized my grandma and I made snowflake ornaments- with white string! Have fun making crafts!!! love you girl! You are doing great! :0) hugs

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