6 Weeks In

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I used to count how many months “down” I was. But tonight, I can say I’m a month and a half “in” and headed back to Dana Farber for the first time as a “graduated” patient tomorrow. It’s already been 6 weeks since I got my last dose of chemotherapy and my body and mind are finally beginning to truly heal. After two years of a tingly tongue and numbness in my fingertips, those underlying & continuous feelings have gone away. So have much of my fatigue, headaches and nausea are gone. I no longer have to stop eating two hours prior to going to bed because of a daily chemo pill. I’ve gotten to lift life restrictions.

I’ve had a dirty martini. 🙌🏼


I’ve eaten sushi.


I’ve gone in a public pool and hot tub and not worried about getting an infection.


And had a mani/pedi day with my best without worrying about going against doctors recommendations not to in order to reduce risk of more infections.


I’ve gone to the Red Sox game with friends and stayed out too late on a work night.


I’ve become obsessive over the new Beyonce album. (Download ‘Freedom’ and then try telling me she’s not my soul sistah)

I’ve done yoga and felt strong the entire time.


I’ve had a 24 hour get-away with Michael


I’ve lived six weeks of a “free me” and damn, it feels good.

I still have so much to work on and mentally get through; some days I’m good and some days I’m emotional. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, I still don’t know exactly why I was given this second shot but I’m so grateful for it. I’m so happy to get to live my life!
Lots of love & light,

Jessy

Choosing to Love

Posted in My Stories, Quotes by


On my walk home tonight, there was a quote stuck to the underpass of a busy street in Somerville. At first I walked by not taking the time to read it and then it processed in my brain that that’s the reason why I walk, so I can enjoy life a little bit more than when I drive (and so I can avoid becoming a crazy person from Boston traffic) and to be able to appreciate all that surrounds me- even if it’s a busy street that littered with garbage. The paper read the quote “when we choose to love, we choose to move against fear, against alienation, and separation.” 

After taking a few pics because it’ll most likely be gone by tomorrow morning, I continued on my walk but let the words I read bounce around in my mind. Someone, whoever they are, felt so moved by these words that they posted them in a public place for others to enjoy. So I enjoyed the words. I thought about how choosing love can be hard sometimes- it sounds easier than it really is. You take a risk when you choose to open your heart and let people in- you inevitably allow your heart to be vulnerable as its openness allows for the opportunity for it to be broken, or hurt, or bruised. But by letting love in, you also take the chance that something magical happens, something so incredible, so fulfilling, so beautiful happens. Because when true love happens- it’s greater than any fear you could ever have. 

So to whoever posted that quote on the side of the McGrath Highway underpass, thank you. You made my day. 

Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

So Many Smiles

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Over 350 Smile Cards are on route to the Brigham!!!! I have received letters from so many people wanting to help in this small initiative and it makes my heart so full. Keep them coming; there are always patients that need a little pick-me-up! 





Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has helped me with this. You truly are making a difference.
Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

A Language We All Understand 

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Running is like music– it is a language everyone, no matter what race or religion, can understand and appreciate. 

As always, I am so inspired by all the runners in today’s Boston Marathon. I salute you all, your hard work determination and dedication to complete such an accomplishment is awe-inspiring. #BostronStrong through and through. 💪🏼

Here’s a wonderful story about a woman who has ALS but is celebrating surviving her 5th year post diagnosis by completing the marathon. UNBELIEVABLE! 

  
http://www.myfoxboston.com/news/woman-with-als-gets-new-running-chair-for-marathon/221372028

Lots of love & light,

Jessy 

Give Me Summer

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On my way to work the past two mornings, I’ve taken my sunglasses off and almost stumbled into the road as I keep putting my face up and towards the sun. I need the warmth. I want the Vitamin D. It’s time to get outside, I’m ready for it.

Happy FRIYAY everyone. Hope you had a wonderful week and an amazing weekend.

Lots of love &a light,

Jessy 

 

IMG_2709

Transitions

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I watched a swan land on the water tonight. It was beautiful, so graceful; her wings outstretched feeling the wind beneath them, letting the air guide the way to her destination with ease, precision and power. She knew just how much force was needed to land so she could stay above water; gracefully going from flying to swimming. The transition was remarkable… it was perfect. Unlike the swan, my landing into this new phase of my life hasn’t been so graceful. My wings have flapped around wildly, I hovered above the water before my final descent and when I landed I skipped like a rock off choppy waters. Now, I’m swimming forward but there’s a tough undertow that I can feel pulling beneath me. 
Sometimes during my journey I don’t think I was processing exactly what was happening. I was in flight, sights set on my destination and nothing else. Now that I’ve landed, I’m recounting the journey and it makes me realize just how hard I hit the bumps. It was like flying through a lightening storm. When I was able, I avoided the strikes but I couldn’t avoid them all…there was too much wind and noise and chaos going on around me to dodge everything that came my way. The bolts hurt both physically and emotionally but in their own way, they were beautiful and brought light to my life. 
Finally, it’s time to slow down and tread water for a little bit. Time to just be a 27 year old. Time to let the current peacefully pull me along. Time to be one with my surroundings and the blessings that I have experienced in this life.  
I’ll never be as graceful as the swan but I can try to emulate her and some of her beautiful qualities: like stretching her wings to show her power, like her ability to swim forward gently, like how she seems to be satisfied staying in one place, like how she lets her presence been seen and felt and like her ability to be bring others joy just by doing what she was meant to do. 

Lots of love & light,

Jessy

Creating Serenity for Yourself

Posted in Health & Wellness, My Stories by

taking time for you

During a relaxing hot bath, I began reading the first passage of “The Radiance Sutras” and it ended with:

“…exhaling, breath is released and flows out.

There is a pulse as it turns to flow in.

In that turn, you are empty.

Enter that emptiness as the source of all life.

Inhaling, breath flows in, filling, nourishing.

Just as it turns to flow out,

There is a flash of pure joy —

Life is renewed.”

 

What better time for me to symbolically renew my life than now? So I breathed in deeply and exhaled, underwater. I was completely submerged and it felt so exhilarating. I love being in the water– even if it’s just a bath, I find it so cleanings. It makes my heart warm, the water gives me a flushing feeling like I’m really alive. Right now, you’re one of the one of hte most important elements– water. I dunked myself 3 times, for no specific reason other than it felt good. I got water up my nose and that was clearly an issue. So I sat up, swayed my head side to side to get out any left over cricks and sucked down the cold water that sat beside me.

What started as a relaxing nighttime bath, turned into something that left me renewed and refreshsed to start this new week and also start on the new beginning that began last week.

Same journey, different path.

Enjoy the little things in life– make simple gestures to honor yourself and your life.

Lots of love & light,

Jessy

p.s. wanted to show my beautiful oil burner– it’s one of my favorite purchases in the past year!

oil burner

 

I’m Free

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Today, I cried some tears of joy but mostly, I smiled. I smiled because today I got my last infusion of chemotherapy. I smiled because I was told that after looking at over 1 million of my cells, ALL of them had been cleared of leukemia. I smiled because my nurse Andrea had a “Nuked the Leuk” shirt made for me. I smiled because there were 15 nurses and doctors waiting behind a curtain as I arrived to surprise me and give me hugs. I smiled because I was with Mike, my mom and my dad- the three people who were with me the night I was diagnosed and have been there for me every step of the way since. I smiled because I walked out of the doors of Dana-Farber and knew that it was my last time there as a patient. I smiled because I got given the greatest gift I could ever receive– a restored, renewed and beautiful life.

I smiled because my baby brother put together this video montage using pictures and videos that I’ve taken over the past two years. I had planned to post a bunch of pictures from today but I’ll do that later– right now this video has made me smile on the outside and on the inside.

Today, after 769 days, I crossed the finish line. Today, I was reminded of every single person that helped me get to this point- every friend, every family member, every nurse and doctor, every person who sent me a card or commented on my blog with well wishes- I thought of everyone. Today, I feel more blessed, more grateful, more humbled then I ever have in my life. Today I feel free… and I feel that because it’s true. I am free.

All my love & light,

Jessy

Meditating On Me

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Often I think that people consider “meditating” as zoning out, as putting your mind to rest. But for me, I use it as a time to let all the things I have to be grateful for pass by in my mind as if watching floating clouds pass by on a day at the beach. Tonight, I kept thinking about how grateful I am for me. I know that probably sounds self-indulgent but that’s where my mind went. Throughout this experience, I’ve always wanted everyone to know just how grateful I was to every person that has helped me get here but in the end, I walked this path alone. I was the only one on the race trail– it was my journey. In many ways, I was alone. This feeling of isolation and loneliness could be construed as negative but I have come to look at it as a positive. I needed to truly be alone in something in my life… I needed to get through something so difficult, so emotionally and physically painful on my own. Yes, I had an absolutely incredible support system to which made my experience brighter, more fulfilled, more full of love, hugs and supported– but at the end of the day, I went through this every single minute of every single day. Others got to go home, take a rest, “get back to their life,” have a drink, go away for a few days to relax, get away from this all (as they all should have). But I could never fully feel 100% physically or emotionally away from the leukemia– it was always with me, always in the back of my mind- during the highs and lows and in betweens. And those feelings will  stay with me the rest of my life because this is still my journey. I’m still marching, I’m still learning. I’m still growing. I am so thankful that March 30th is tomorrow and my body will be able to stop receiving such harsh toxins but I believe that the journey I began on February 20, 2014 goes well beyond March 30, 2016. I’ll walk down this road for the rest of my life. As I should… 

I’ve grown on this road

 I’ve found love on this road

I’ve found myself on this road.  

    
    
 
 
    
    
    
         
    
    
    
   

        

   
    
    
   
   
    
    
    
    
 
   
    
    
 
   
    
    
 
   
    
    
    
    
      

    
  

 

  

  

  

  

  

   

        
   

  
 
   
 It’s been a long time coming, but the day is almost here. 

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow. You’re only a day away.  

All my love & light,
Jessy

March 25th: A Day I’ll Remember 

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The bone marrow biopsies are a thing of the past. It was a stressful morning as things got pushed back and I didn’t end up being taken in until 12:30. So while we waited, we took pics…obviously. 

  
Then I was taken in and I had to take a pic with my most fabulous doctor who has done all my spinal taps and all my bone marrow biopsies since the beginning. Not only is she the most fashionable lady at the Dana but she also is the absolute sweetest. 

  
Now it was time to get suited up- and tis the bunny season, I just had to…

  
So then it was time to chill with the silliness and get this thing some and over with!

   
 
Go time.

(Warning:this is a little graphic but Mike took it and I found it fascinating as I’ve obviously never seen it from this angle!)

 

 
And just like that, I took my last “big breath”, Susan pulled the marrow and it was over. I instantly started crying but it was tears of such joy, relief and gratitude. I felt so empowered and so strong in that moment. I have hated this procedure every time, I have always gotten so worked up before and after as I wait for the results. But the reality is, it’s out of my control now. I’ll get the results next week and I really feel deep in my heart that the leukemia is out of my body so the moment just hit me so hard, like WOW, I’m really almost done. The finish line isn’t around the corner anymore- it’s right there, I just have a few more steps until I cross that yellow line.

As always, Michael was there by my side. Today, actually holding onto my feet, but right there with me, making sure Halo was being played at the appropriate time and loving me with everything he has. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I really am the luckiest girl in the world. 

   
 
With that, I’m making myself a bowl of ice cream and continuing to relax on the couch with my two loves for the night. Thank you for the millionth time to everyone who said a little prayer for me, I owe you big time.

Lots of love & light,

Jessy