Fleeting Moments

It’s been a rough few days, Mike’s mother unexpectedly passed away this weekend.

When I first met Michael, he was living with his mom. I remember when he told me why, how taken aback I was. Here’s a successful 29 year old, putting his life on hold to be there for his mom in more ways than I could imagine. To make her dinners, and keep her company. To get up in the morning and do aerobics with her to keep her active. To watch football games with her and just chat. It amazed me how selfless he was. But Michael wasn’t alone in this effort, never for a second. His brother and sister were right there with her every step of the way. Giving every part of themselves to help their mom. Giving everything they had to help her live a better life — those three, together, are a true inspiration.

Rosemary lived a hard life. She struggled severely from mental disabilities, some that were inaccurately diagnosed which led to additional issues. I only knew her for three years but I felt for her, as so many of her issues she was unable to control. She was hard to understand at times but there’s a few things I knew about her for sure — she loved shrimp cocktail and italian cookies, she loved watching football and she loved her adorable granddaughters. One last thing I know is true is that she raised three amazing children. Three people that are strong, smart, beautiful, funny and caring. The three of them stick together through thick and thin and are always there for each other, no matter what. She raised a true family.

Life is but a fleeting moment. Moments strung together in the memory of your mind. Moments that define you, moments that shape you. What makes those moments magical are the people in the memories. The laughter, the silliness, the joy, the tears, the hugs & kisses, the smiles. With every moment in life, we are tested, some times much harder than others, but always tested. And with every test, we should grow, we should learn and we should become better people. When you lose someone important to you, who’s made an impact in your life, it can be difficult to remember that life is good, as you feel the pain that surmounts atop you and pushes down on your chest. You’re reminded how short life is, how nothing should be taken for granted and that tomorrow is never promised. With such a harsh reality, sometimes it’s hard to stay positive. But those moments strung together, those life-altering memories, are what can help pull you for air, just when you need it most. So remember the moments, cherish the memories. Because after all, memories are one of life’s biggest gifts.

To the woman that gave me the love of my life, thank you. I am forever grateful.

XOXO,
Jessy

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Time to Fix this Pancreas

Sitting here waiting to be brought in to the surgery room. No drugs in me yet so I’m still pretty anxious. They just got brought Mike back so he’s here with me now which is making me feel better.

I’m just so ready for this pancreatitis business to be behind me. It’s been a long 6 months dealing with it and it’s time to put it in the books. Hoping that I wake up and find out that the stent is out and there was no need to put another one in.

I’ll take those prayers today, they’re much appreciated.

Time to be a warrior princess….
XOXO,
Jessy

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The New Normal

For eleven months, all I’ve been dreaming of is getting my life back— in particular, going back to work and being able to have a drink. I’ve said it time and time again, and that time is finally here. And it’s really, really….weird. Going back to work last week was overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. I was so thrilled to be back in the “real” world (however I’d argue that my life has been pretty real this past year) but I had forgotten that the real world isn’t exactly what I had cracked it up to be. Back to cube land, back to meetings, back to traffic, back to getting up early and getting home late, back to work clothes and no pajamas. I had gotten very used to my life revolving around cancer, revolving around being as healthy as I could be, focusing solely on myself and getting better. My days were lonely and boring but in a way, I had grown accustomed to it. So getting back into the grind of working is proving to be more difficult than I had expected. Everything just feels different. Physically, the day tires me out much more than it ever has and since I’m still going through chemo, there’s things like achey-ness and headaches that I have to learn how to just push through. What’s more is that my mindset has shifted so much from where I was a year ago. I feel so lucky to be here, so grateful to be alive and able to go to work. However, this feeling like I’ve been given a second chance at life is a bit overwhelming. I want to make a difference in the world and help other people as so many people have helped me. Instead, I do social media for a company that makes billions of dollars a year, so in reality I’m just helping the rich get richer. I am so grateful to still have a job but I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around going back to a work life where nothing has changed while everything in my life has changed so drastically.
The beauty, however, of the working world is the pure bliss that the weekends give you. After one short week, I was quickly reminded of just how rewarding a Friday night on the couch with a glass of red wine feels. Wait, wine?!?! Yup! I am able to have some drinks again and it feels ahhhh-mazing! Saturday night we went to a bar for Mike’s birthday with a bunch of friends. As I was dancing around in the bathroom while I got ready, I realized how excited I was to go “out.” How just the act of doing my hair and makeup, something I’ve often complained about in the past, was making me so genuinely happy. I hadn’t gotten to go out like a normal 25 year old in almost a year and that night, I was getting to do that. It was SO fun to have fun.
The past week and a half has been a whirlwind of old experiences with a new attitude. And that attitude is gratitude. Gratitude that i’ve made it this far. Gratitude that I was able to go back to work, to have a drink with friends, to workout at the gym, to exercise at all, to eat normally again…that I’m able to have a life again. i’ve still got a long road ahead of me and a lot of work to do but I’ve come a long way. I’ve got myself a new normal and I’m just going to have to get used to it.
XOXO,
Jessy

10 Reasons Why I Love You

Today’s a big day, it’s Michael’s birthday. So today, my bear, I want to tell you the 10 reasons why I love you the most.

1. Your smirk
2. How you give me endless scratchies
3. Your perfection of the crab dance
4. You’ve made my friends and family yours
5. The way you write me love notes
6. The fact that you love buff chix nachos as much as me
7. The way you make me giggle everyday
8. You slow dance with me in the living room
9. You are Plans Stevens and I’m Plans Moran
10. The fact that you’ve stuck by my side, holding my hand, giving me kisses and hugs, every single day of this past year
I simply love you, with all my heart, forever and ever, to the moon and back. SO MUCH.
Happy birthday,
Jessy
p.s. bald is beautiful.
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Happy & Healthy

Back to reality, huh? Just like many of you, I decided to take some time “off” (of writing) during the holidays. I had such an amazing two weeks. Saw so many family and friends, gave and received some great presents (like my new iPhone I’m writing from), went on a perfect getaway with Mike up north where we ended the trip ziplining through the trees of the white mountains and just got relaxed and rejuvenated for 2015.

Every year, people always wish me a happy and healthy new year. I say it too. But until this year, I don’t think I truly felt the importance of this wish. This saying is so often used but so rarely embraced by the one saying it. We simply say the phrase and wish it upon those around us but don’t make it a priority to ensure that we, ourselves, are “happy and healthy.” After a year full of doctors appointments, hospital stays, chemotherapy and radiation, I’ve learned what a true blessing it is to have good health. A blessing that should not be taken for granted. But while I’ve been burdened with many health issues this past year, I’ve also been reminded of the importance of “making the right choices.” These are the things in life that we have control over, like eating healthy, working out regularly, staying hydrated each day, and exploring alternative medicines like acupuncture and massage therapy. All the little decisions add up so make each day count. Take every opportunity to better your body and therefore better yourself. Things like drinking natural teas that have added benefits such as lowering cholesterol or providing your body with antioxidants. Getting that massage you’ve been thinking of— it’s not just pampering yourself, it’s helping to lower stress and better circulate your blood. Avoiding food and products that have chemicals and toxins. Exercising multiple times a week. This doesn’t have to mean wasting away on the elliptical (unless that’s your thing!), it can be so many different things like going for a long walk, doing yoga, taking a zumba class, lifting weights, or climbing the stairs in your house a few times. Whatever it is you can find time for in your day, do it! It makes a huge difference. Just recently, I was cleared to begin going to my gym again. I was amazed at how much strength and endurance I had lost since the last time I had worked out there but I also know that the body is a powerful tool and one that, with training and dedication, can do pretty amazing things. So although we do not have control over some of the big things life can hand us, like accidents, diseases, or in my case, cancer, we do have control over the little things that can add up to a lot. Being healthy is a combination of good choices, so try to make the right ones.

Now comes the second part of this wish. Happiness. Even more than the gift of health, I’ve learned the blessing that it is to feel true happiness. I’m lucky in the sense that I’ve always been a genuinely happy person; little things get me excited like winning $5 on a scratch ticket or having a 1D song come on the radio (yes, One Direction. I may be 25 but I will always get obsessive over boy bands.) So when there were days upon days that I honestly had to try hard to crack a smile, it felt off… it felt, not normal. Feeling happy doesn’t come naturally to everyone and it certainly comes and goes depending on the time and difficulty of your life at that moment. But what I have realized is that, above anything else, the power of your mind is a force that’s hard to be reckoned with— that staying positive and keeping an optimistic outlook will make all the difference, even at the worst of times. As I said, there were many days that it was extremely difficult to stay positive and felt nearly impossible to feel a sense of happiness. However, I was always able to close my eyes and remind myself that I am a strong woman, one that has been given many gifts in life and one that has an incredible support system. These things, no matter how terrible my day was, gave me a glimmer of happiness. Remind yourself of these things when you are feeling down— say out loud what you feel blessed to be or have in this life; it’ll make you feel better, even if just for a little bit. Happiness is something that is often taken for granted, I surely took it for granted before this past year. But what I’ve learned and hope to pass on to the people who read this, is to really enjoy the “ups” in life so you can show yourself compassion during the “downs.” Smile when a snowflake falls on your nose, sing out loud when your favorite song comes on, be grateful when you’re laughing with friends, close your eyes and really feel the sun beating on your face, and dance HARD whenever you damn well please.

C-r-e-a-t-e happy. C-h-o-o-s-e healthy.

XOXO,
Jessy

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Sick Day

Today I’m taking a sick day. Mike is playing in a golf tournament and is gone all day and I have no plans. I haven’t had more than an hour or so by myself since September 3rd, the day I got pancreatitis #2. Combo of being in the hospital, so never having a second to yourself because a nurse, doctor or specialist is coming in to talk to you and now at home my mom comes every day and typically stays till when Mike gets home. (don’t worry mom, that doesn’t mean I don’t love having you, because I LOVE having you!) But sometimes it’s good to have some time with just yourself.
It’s hard not to feel like everyday is a sick day for me lately. I’m home, my mom’s taking care of me, I don’t feel good, I’m taking a bunch of medicine. Sounds pretty similar to a sick day from growing up. There’s always something a little enjoyable about staying home from work or school even when you’re not feeling well. You feel lousy but you love getting to stay in jammies all day and watch the Price Is Right. But when your sick day is going on 9 months, it loses its enjoyability. Today, however, I’m choosing to stay in my pajamas and watch trashy TV with just ME all day. Cancer or chemo didn’t make me stay in, I decided to stay in and that’s why it feels different, that’s why it feels fun! So before I exert too much energy, I’m heading back to lounging!
XOXO,
Jessy
p.s. look at these ridiculously amazing slipper socks I got at TJMaxx! I shall be in them all day.
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Glorious Life

I did something stupid today. I clicked and clicked and clicked through old pictures on Facebook. One by one I went further and further back in time. It was like sinking into a hole. A hole of memories of fun times, times with my family and friends and even coworkers that I want back so bad. Looking back at these pictures make me smile because I’ve had such an amazing life but they bring me down as well because I miss that life so much. Mike and I used to always say we have such a “glorious life.” After fun weekends and things we’d do together, we’d always look at each other and say “ughh glorious life, glorious life!” Today when I was scrolling through the pictures, I realized we haven’t said that in a long time. And that, that made me sad.

I haven’t written a post in a week and that’s because I’ve honestly been busy! My amazing mother has taken time off of work to be with me during the days. She did it for two reasons, one being that I’m connected to a feeding tube for 14 hours at night and I need help getting disconnected in the morning. Second and honestly more important is to just be with me during the day so that I don’t have to be by myself all day, everyday. I was trying to make it work but spending all day by yourself is draining and depressing so having her here has made a huge difference. We’ve gone apple picking, painted our nails, visited with my niece, done some shopping, baked breads, gone for long walks and this morning we even went to a fashion show at Saks Fifth Avenue (boy were we rubbing elbows with the other half!). I’m so lucky that she’s able to do this for me.
Keeping busy when I can and having my mom with me has made my days so much better. They go by faster and I’m happier getting to interact with people and getting to spend so much quality time with my mom. But our “glorious life” still feels like it’s on pause right now which is hard. There’s an empty, bland sort of feeling you get inside when you don’t feel like you’re living your life to the fullest of potential. In reality, I know that I’m not “not living life to the fullest of potential” (because God knows i’m trying) but sometimes it feels like that when I’m stuck at home or sitting in the waiting room of the hospital (which is 75% of the visits). There’s just so much time waiting, sitting, resting, that my mind begins to wander off to what my life was or used to be. But as my mom reminded me today, I’ll get it back. It’ll never be the same but maybe it’ll be better. I’m going to keep on fighting, with the help of my family and friends, until saying “glorious life” is back into my repertoire of weekly phrases.
XOXO,
Jessy
here’s my crazy but incredible mother. aka Mom-cologist!
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Last Chance to Help Me Raise Funds to Put an End to Cancer

Less than a week until the 2014 Boston Marathon® Jimmy Fund Walk. I signed up to complete the 5 mile course with many of my family and friends. It’s a cause that is obviously extremely close to my heart as it raises funds for an organization that has literally saved my life. An organization that has gone so above and beyond in their care, it astonishes me everyday and I am forever grateful. In addition to helping fund the incredible Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, the monies raised will also go towards groundbreaking new research and clinical trials that are necessary to finding a CURE to this horrible disease we call cancer.

Currently, I’m on day 10 here at the Brigham due to my second flare up with pancreatitis and am still unable to walk much farther than to the bathroom without needing to use my walker. My legs and stomach have swollen so much that I am weighing about 40 pounds heavier than I should. So I’m getting a bit concerned about my 5 mile adventure being less than a week away. However, I made a commitment and I am determined to follow through with that commitment. I will cross that finish line, one way or another.

So here’s what I am asking of you– please make a donation to this wonderful cause. No amount is too small because it all adds up and all makes a difference in putting an end to cancer! If you’ve already donated to my page, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I cannot tell you how much it is appreciated.

http://www.jimmyfundwalk.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1086390&supid=410333929

XOXO,

Jessy

Twists & Turns

At 25 I never expected to know what it’s like to have a catheter put in, but I do now. That’s what happens when you gain 45 pounds in 2 days and physically can’t get out of bed.

Last Wednesday, I had a long day planned for the hospital. I was to go in, get my bone marrow biopsy and then another round of the chemo cocktail. But I was happy because that night, there was a pizza party planned at our little palace as one of my best friends was in from Chicago and staying with Mike and I. Unlucky for me, the pizza party never happened. I had known it would be a long day, 8 hours maybe, but little did I know hours would turn into days/weeks before going home. My mom held my hand as the biopsy was conducted and when it was all done, we went to the “infusion” area to get set up for chemo. Quickly I started getting bad stomach pains that grew into horrific, stabbing pains all over my abdomen. So with that, my mom, my nurse and my doctor rushed over to the ER where we discovered that I had acute pancreatitis. Unlike an appendix that you can just remove, you need your pancreas to live. So the only “cure” is to get on massive pain killers, stop drinking and eating and get absolutely drowned with fluids. I’m talking pumped with so much fluids that I went from 114 pounds Wednesday morning to 160 by Friday. (“Buzz’s girlfriend…WOOF!) As laughable as it is that I gained that much weight, it unfortunately is extremely painful and made me unable to move, stand or walk by myself. Saturday I stood for the first time with lots of help. Sunday I stood for longer and Monday I got a walker to begin to walk again. It’s unbelievable how your body can change so dramatically, so quickly but it can. The good news is that over a week later, I’m recovering nicely and the doctors are proud of how far I’ve come in a short amount of time.

The most frustrating part about this is that the cancer didn’t cause this. This wasn’t one of the shit weeks I’d planned for. This happened unexpected and is a rare side effect that can happen as a result to one of the main forms of chemo that I have been receiving and was planned to continue on for for the next few months. Now, however, I won’t be able to get that kind of chemo because the risks are just too great of this happening again and the outcome being more dramatic than a 45 pound weight gain.

I like to think that I’ve gotten good at taking what life throws at me but this is a hard one to shake. I mean, not to be a baby, but isn’t leukemia enough? Why’d I have to also get pancreatitis? Do I not already have enough restrictions in my life that it was necessary to now add extreme dietary ones? Have I not been poked and prodded enough or did I really need to have more things stuck into me? It just seems so unfair. I feel like I got struck by lightening and then a cat came and pissed right on me. Just so unnecessary.

But unnecessary as it seems to me right now, that’s life and I’ve gotta roll with the punches. My new goal is getting out of this hospital (although I was lucky enough to get back on the best floor in town and have the best nurses in the entire world. Kristen if you’re reading this, THANK YOU AGAIN, you an angel!) and get back to my bed and my life.

I’m off to have some chicken broth for breakfast. Thanks for letting me vent and I’ll end on a GREAT note: in the midst of everything going on this weekend, my doctor came in with the results from my bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday and my marrow was completely clear of any leukemia cells!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!

Xoxox,
Jess

PS here’s a highlight of the week
when my niece came to visit after not seeing her in over a month!! (She was being a world traveler instead of hanging in Manch, NBD)

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Life is Good

Yesterday I was a cancer slayer. Today I get to be a spoiled lady with the best boyfriend in the world on a long weekend getaway in Portsmouth, NH.

Seafood chowder is on it’s way, the sun is shining, seagulls are chirping, I can smell the saltwater and feel the ocean breeze. Can’t get much better than this.

Today I feel blessed. Happy. Today I’m appreciating the day and all it has to offer. I’m feeling present in this moment and all my surroundings. Life is a crazy, unexpected, beautiful, wonderful thing.

Enjoy today and all it’s beauty!

XOXOX,
Jessy

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