Tag Archives: love

All the Little Things

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While finishing my yoga practice this afternoon, as I always do, I thought about the things I have gratitude for. Things like “the life I’ve been given” or “my family” always pop into my head but today a bunch of little things popped in too. Things that, although small, are so wonderful in this life.

Things like:

birds chirping outside my window while I’m laying in bed
the smell and sense of calmness from a good candle burning
the refreshing feeling you get from drinking a cold glass of water
cuddling
all the yumminess that is a slice of cheese pizza
scratching a winning lottery ticket. even if it’s only $1
the happiness inside me while listening to a favorite song
slow dancing
a good belly laugh
Often when I’m being “thankful” for things in life, I tend to think only of the big things, like family, friends, health, love, but it’s important to also think about the little things in life that make your core smile. Because those things make make life great too, they’re the “warm and fuzzies” that make life special and wonderful. And so those things too, along with all the “big stuff,” I feel so very thankful for.
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XOXO,
Jessy

Count On It

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I was looking at my Instagram account this morning. Flicking through picture after picture and quickly, I got to “BC” pics, or “Before Cancer.” I’ve looked at old pictures a lot in the past three months, there’s a sense of such warmth and goodness to looking at smiles on my friends and family faces. And smiles on myself, reminding me of a life that I was living and loved so much. However, today when I was looking at these pictures, it felt like a previous time. Like a past life. A time that I’ll never get back. Because the truth is, I really will never get it back. I’ll never be the same girl I was when I rang in 2014. But in all honesty, how could I ever think I would be the same person? It wouldn’t make any sense. As with anything difficult in life, you can’t go through it and stay the same person. Isn’t that the whole point of the journey? I remember ringing in the New Year and thinking about just how amazing 2014 was going to be. I had just moved in with Mike a few months before and things were going swimmingly. I had just gotten my first promotion and would be beginning to work on a new brand, doing new and exciting things. I had an adorable 4 month old niece who I loved more than I knew was possible. I had amazing friends and an amazing family. I was feeling truly at the right place at the right time. I was feeling like this was my time. Things were falling into place and years of hard work were starting to come together. I could see clearly of where I was headed, what I wanted to do. And then January 14th I woke up in the middle of the night with the feeling like a tractor trailer was crushing my tailbone. It would take over a month to figure out what that crushing feeling was exactly but I think of that moment now as so symbolic. Symbolic of how quickly life can change. How quickly things can completely take a different turn. Logically, I know that that wasn’t the exact moment that the leukemia hit my blood stream but in my mind, I think of it like that. I think of it like I went to bed on January 13th a normal, healthy 24 year old and I woke up, on January 14th with my life being crushed and ran over by the leukemia tractor trailer. What’s even more symbolic is the fact that I would be struck by this disease, by this horrible, horrible disease on the very day that person who has saved me through all of this was born. January 14th is Mike’s birthday. Mike has made me laugh when nobody else can. He’s made me smile when I’m grumpy. He’s given me hugs when I don’t want to be touched. He’s kissed my forehead when tears are running down my face. He’s made me genuinely happy…happy in a time when I could never have imagined being happy. He truly is my angel. And so it feels fitting that my modern-day angel would be born on the day that I began to truly need him, to depend on him in all the ways a person can really depend on someone other than their self.

As I’m sitting here at my kitchen table writing this post, I’ve lost all sense of my emotions. (it’s probably not helping that Florence & the Machines are on in the background and it’s raining heavily outside). But I can’t stop crying and I don’t really know why. I’m having such mixed emotions. I feel so physically and mentally exhausted today. But at the same time, I feel sharp. Recounting in my head all that I’ve been through and thinking about all I will continue to go through has brought me to a sense of clarity. Maybe it is still my time after all.
The question “Why me?” has gone through my head a thousand times. I’ve probably thought it 10 times just sitting here writing this post. But it suddenly dawned on me that I should stop questioning “why me” and try to feel grateful for being “chosen” to go through this journey. If I view it as something I was chosen for rather than something that just unfortunately “happened” to me, it gives this whole experience a bigger purpose. So why was I chosen? Why me? Because I can deal with it. Because I am so much stronger and better than this disease. Because I am blessed with family and friends that are so much better and bigger than this disease. Because I will walk away from this disease and be a better person. A stronger person. A more caring person. A more giving person. A person that helps others and makes a difference in the world. “AC” Jessy will be so much better than “BC” Jessy.
Count on it.
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XOXO,
AC Jessy

Resort 7D

Posted in Inspiration, My Stories by
Yesterday was one of the most nerve-racking days of my life. And then, it was one of the happiest.
 
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Living with the possibility that the leukemia had come back was terrifying and a thought i had trouble really wrapping my head around. I could barely sleep Monday night and literally felt nauseous all morning Tuesday until I met with my doctors. But then I met with them and the many, many prayers from myself, my family and friends were answered. “There are no signs of cancer cells in your bones or blood.” I was overcome with such elation and relief– like a 1,000 pound weight had just been lifted off my shoulders. It was incredible. It is incredible. You know when people say, “I felt like I had won the lottery”? Well, yesterday I won the best lottery you can win. So I am ecstatic and energetic to get this next round of chemo started. It seems funny to celebrate “no cancer cells being found” with more chemotherapy but that’s the way it goes (and will go) so I’m all about this chemo cocktail for the next few days in order to continue to rid my little body of this terrible disease. Officially in BEAST MODE. 
 
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(scratch that, I began beast mode last week during my bone marrow biopsy) 
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When I was checking into the Brigham yesterday, I literally couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I was practically hopping down the hospital halls, I was in just SUCH a good mood. As we bounced on over to the admitting offices, carrying a suitcase, two bags, my pillow/blanket and of course, Uncle Fred, there was a family in front of us, also carrying such items and for a second, it reminded me of when you’re checking into a hotel for a vacation. It somehow seemed “normal” and exciting. So I decided then that for the next five days, I’m not locked up in a hospital but instead I’m staying at an all-inclusive resort with luxury of on-call staff. How wonderful! After pleading my case, I was able to get back on my old floor, 7D. Thank you Jesus!! Two miracles in one day? Lucky girl! I absolutely fell in love with those nurses, (aka my resort personal assistants), and I’ve missed seeing them so I’m thrilled to be back and chat with them all! 
 
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(pic from yesterday waiting for my bed to open up. Both feeling so happy and so relieved) 
 
So around 5pm, after my room was pristinely cleaned and prepped, I checked into Resort 7D, room 76. Overall, super swaggy. The view is magnificent and should make for a great therapeutic writing area.
 
 
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Plus, the bench in front of the window is roomy enough to be my make-shift yoga mat and allows me to feel the sun and soak up some Vitamin D— what every dream vacation is made of. 
 
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The TV is flat screen, SCORE. And it’s ingeniously connected to a remote hooked up to my bed which is how we get sound. Super tech savvy. Extra points! 
 
The shower could have been constructed a bit more logically, rather than directly next to the toilet with no floor lip, causing massive chaos and flooding every time one goes to clean themselves. However, it gains additional points as the water pressure is legit and that’s obviously super important. Lastly, the flooding, although shocking, creates a sense of adventure so I score the bathroom a B. 
 
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The bed scores a B as well. The sheets are a bit paper-like but my own personal blanket, Fluffy and Uncle Fred add some softness and overall coziness. The score gets upgraded due to it’s super cool ability to move up and down the back and foot rest. Perfect for elevating my feet after a grueling day on the Brigham island. 
 
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The overall design of the room is quite unique and intriguing. Some of my personal favorite pieces are the goal chart white board, varying sizes of examination glove boxes, and by far the best piece…a biohazardous “sharps” depository. Art deco scores high at an A.
 
The staff here is top-notch, and basically my BFF’s. They are attentive, caring and most importantly, chatty! (or is it just me always chatting to them?? who knows. ) Plus, they rock bright colored, fashionable scrubs like you’ve never seen. They score an A++.
 
Most importantly, Fluffy and Uncle Fred are sincerely enjoying themselves. 
 
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This morning I enjoyed a glorious breakfast in bed: a delish bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, fruit salad and a coffee. Relaxed in front of my bay window and enjoyed the view. In addition, went for a long walk all around the resort in my gray sweatpants and keds; riding the escalators up and down, using the revolving doors, and aggressively marching around to burn some cals. All-in-all coming close to being one of those power walkers at the mall. It was a proud moment.
 
Overall, day number one of vacation is going great. My own bed will feel great on Monday for sure, but the Slomerville view’s got nothin’ on Resort 7D’s. 
 
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XOXO,

Jessy 

Just Keep Going

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It’s Tuesday after Memorial Day Weekend which is always a bummer. A long weekend long awaited for is over. And even though I’m not currently working I still somehow feel the “Monday blues” (or in this case the Tuesday blues). Weekends I’m not alone, I’m not in the hospital, I get to “get out” and do things. So with or without work, I’ve learned that weekends are always the best. This long weekend seemed extra awesome— I felt so grateful to be feeling strong and getting to spend time with my love, my friends and my family. What more can you ask for?
This Sunday, Mike and I did something we never really do… we went to church. My Grammy had mentioned that the Old North Church in Boston (“One if by land, and two if by sea” church) still holds masses so we decided to go to the 11am. History and a little spiritual pick-me-up… not a bad combination. Plus, today’s a big day (stilllllllll anxiously awaiting to hear from my doctors) so I thought putting in an extra prayer in the big man’s house might not be too bad of an idea. After scurrying in at 11:05, we sat down in our own pew (which in this church is like your own little penalty box. Big fan). I always dreaded church growing up, couldn’t get myself to pay attention (gotta be honest, still have a hard time), and never really understood what they were talking about. But this time felt different since I chose to go myself. So as I sat there in a little pew right next to the windows, in a place that I don’t think has been updated since 1772, I was surprised as I realized how much I was enjoying myself.
The minister gave a quick homily as there was a baptism also during this mass.  To be honest, I don’t exactly remember what the whole homily was about but I do remember this: she told a story about how Jesus had said to his disciples to just keep going (regarding what, I have no clue. Exhibit A of my attention span). She looked out to all of us, and urged us too, to just keep going. That line rang through my head the rest of the mass, “just…keep…going.” I felt like she was speaking directly to me… I felt like I came to this mass specifically to hear those words. I needed to hear those words as those three words are exactly what I have to do. I need to keep pushing on, keep moving forward, keep keeping my head up, keep being positive, keep being happy, keep being thankful…. I need to just keep going.
The past few weeks have been hard. I’ve been so anxious about whether or not the leukemia has come back that I’ve felt like I’m sitting on pins and needles.  But at the end of the day, the results I’ll get tonight or tomorrow are out of my control. Letting the “what if’s” take hold does nothing but bring me down and cause chaos in my head. Those fleeting moments, however, create a feeling like I can’t keep going, like this is all just too much. But then I do things that make me smile, like going for long walks, doing yoga, dancing around by myself to One Direction, accepting nightly back rubs from Mike (he really is the best), or even taking out my aggression on a Bozo the clown blow-up doll. Those things, as trivial as they are, make me feel good, they make me feel alive, and rejuvenated. And because of those little things in life, I’m able to realize I can absolutely do this. That this is A LOT but it’s not something I can’t handle. I can keep on keepin’ on.
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I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend and are able to make it through the work week. But if you’re feeling the Tuesday Blues right now, remember…JUST.KEEP.GOING.
XOXO,
Jessy

Embrace Today

Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow I’ll finally get the bone marrow biopsy to find out if the leukemia has come back. But it’s Tuesday, not Wednesday. It’s not tomorrow. It’s today.

And today I’m enjoying my life. Doing yoga and dancing half way through. Dancing so much my head-wrap comes off, but it’s okay cuz I’m bald and beautiful, betches. Listening to music and singling along. Sipping slowly on ice coffee and putting my feet up. Making this video just to learn something new and have fun.

Today is a good day.

XOXO,
Jessy

Until Next Week

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LK;ADKFJAD;LAJD;LKJA;LKJDF;LKJ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

 
That, my friends, is how I’m feeling right about now. Today went NOTHING like how I thought it was going to be. I had planned to write a post tonight from my hospital room, instead here I am sitting at my kitchen table again. I’m home with a packed suitcase and another hospital stay pushed off. Good news, I didn’t get the bone marrow biopsy. Oh wait, that’s just because I’m getting it next week instead. Today I got a better understanding of what my doctor didn’t “like” last week. Basically, when my blood’s been drawn the past two weeks, things called “blasts” have appeared which indicate that the leukemia could somehow have come back (could, keyword there). Luckily, although still there, that number has decreased since last week and all my other counts were in the normal range. So both my doctors are leaning towards that these “blasts” are just immature cells that my bone marrow has produced while it’s been replenishing itself. However, the possibility of the leukemia coming back is real and therefore, until we know exactly what’s going on, we can’t move forward with my planned treatment. 
 
As my doctors were explaining everything, I started getting emotional… I was instantly overwhelmed, I felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen on my shoulders. Consoling me, Dr. Mandy talked to me about how healthy it is to get “out” my feelings and said something that really hit home. She said, “You’re dealing with death, 50 years earlier than you should. You have the right to feel the way you’re feeling.” I hadn’t thought of it like that until this moment. I had been coping by categorizing this in my head as a “sickness,” a sickness that is awful and unfair but something I would get through and undoubtedly live to tell my kids about. I’ve done a good job telling myself that the ‘d’ word is not an option. And I really still don’t see it as one. (I have way too much to do in my life to let it be an option.) But the fact that it’s ever even mentioned or considered is terrifying. The reality is, this most likely is all just a big scare; the hope is that I’ll go in next week, get this bone marrow biopsy done and find out a few days later that everything is fine and continue on with the action course we’ve had planned all along. But the possibility, as small as it may be, that the results could come back next week and things could get “more serious” than they already are leaves me a little speechless. I am, however, reassured that if the results don’t come back the way we want them to, there are still different treatment options we can try, all of which are of the goal to cure.
 
Other than those first few days, emotionally this was definitely one of the hardest/scariest days. But, just as they were there to comfort me in those first few hours and days, my doctors were there to comfort me and be honest with me…to let me know exactly what’s going on and in terms a marketing major can understand. They make such an incredible team and are so unbelievably knowledgable about this disease. I trust their decisions, whole heartedly and completely. That’s a priceless feeling. Beyond all their brilliance, however, they are caring, kind, compassionate people, and those qualities have continued to make all the difference for me. When I look in their eyes I can see how much they want this too, how much they truly care about me, almost as if I’m a loved one of theirs. I’m not though, I’ve only known them for 3 months. But they care about me a lot and they take care of me to a level that I can’t describe. I am and will forever be grateful to Dr. D and Dr. Mandy– best doctors a person could ask for.  
 
So my update today wasn’t the brightest of ones. Today was a tough day. This week will be a tough week… my mind is inevitably going to wander and I’m going to have to try really REALLY hard to stay focused and positive. I never thought I’d say the words “I’m excited to get a bone marrow biopsy” but I’m excited to get a bone marrow biopsy. I want next week to come because I want to know what we have to face. Once we know what we’re facing, we can map out our plan of attack and get back to kicking some cancer ass.
 
But before I get back to kicking some ass, I’ll take a few extra prayers this week if you’ve got ’em. 🙂 
 
XOXO,
Jessy 
 
p.s.  a shoutout to my shitty friend leukemia— go eff yourself. 
p.s.s. another special shoutout to my lovely grandparents and great aunts and uncles– apologies for my cursing. 

Good Days Making the Bad Days Harder

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It’s the night before another hospital appointment and most likely a five day stay to begin the next round of chemo. As I had mentioned in my last post, I’ve had a great few days. A great week, in fact. My energy, and spirit, has been high and I’ve genuinely just felt happy. I’ve done a good job at putting tomorrow “off” in my mind and just enjoying the time away from the hospital and off the chemo. But as tomorrow nears closer, I know I can’t put it off any longer and I’ll be in that hospital room before I know it. I’m anxious for multiple reasons…I have another bone marrow biopsy tomorrow, one that was not planned. So I’m nervous about the physicality of the procedure as I know how uncomfortable it is. I’m also anxious about the results of the biopsy as my doctor is doing it to double check that nothing has come back due to a something he saw in my labs last week. He’s “almost confident” it’s nothing but obviously wants to be sure. And “almost confident” makes me nervous. Really nervous. I’m anxious about how I’ll respond to the next round of chemo as with each new type of treatment I get there’s always the possibility that there could be complications. I’m anxious about simply being in the hospital for five days— the bed’s not comfortable, I can’t stand the food and the little beeps and noises all night drive me crazy. So basically, I’m just anxious for it to be one week from tonight. 

 
Last week when I thought I was going in for the five days I wasn’t nearly as bummed out as I feel right now. Since I hadn’t felt “good” in over a month, it made me have a little bit of a “who cares” attitude. But tonight I feel much different than that, I’m bumming hard over having to go back tomorrow. I feel this way because I know that starting back up with the chemo means that my body will be knocked down again. While I logically know that this is what my body needs and that it just means one step closer to being cancer free, emotionally it’s been so freeing and exhilarating to feel like myself this past week. And I just really, really don’t want that feeling to be taken away from me. I don’t want to feel sick, or nauseous, or tired, or have another month-long headache. I think since I felt a sense of normalcy the past week, it makes it that much harder to say “bye” to it tomorrow. Correction: it’s not goodbye but just “see ya later” for a little bit. One day all these crappy days are going to add up to one healthy, happy life. And that makes it all worth it. 
 
For now, I’m enjoying a bowl of ice cream (addicted), watching The Voice and enjoying my last night at home for a few nights. Thinking some good thoughts for some good outcomes tomorrow. 
 
XOXO,
Jessy 

Happy Days

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On Wednesday morning, I packed my suitcase, grabbed Uncle Fred and my favorite blanket and headed to the hospital thinking I would be there for five days. Two hours later, Dr. D came in the room and said we’d have to wait a week until I could start my fourth round of chemo. I was certainly not looking forward to being in the hospital for five days but I was ready for it. I had mentally prepared myself and there’s always a sense of “excitement” to start the next phase because it just means I’m one step closer to the end goal. So in a weird way, I was disappointed that I didn’t get admitted last week— not to mention, my bags were packed and I knew I’d have to unpack just to repack— the worst. 

But what originally felt like a setback quickly turned into something I felt grateful for. Not only has the weather been absolutely gorgeous but physically I’ve felt better than I have for quite some time and therefore was really able to enjoy just being home and having some time to myself. I had plenty of energy which allowed me to work on a mothers day gift for my mom all day Thursday (before & after pic below… loved the way it turned out)! Friday night Mike and I went out and got pizza from our favorite place and caught up on some TV. It was a perfectly lazy night.
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Saturday, Mike and I had fun day, plain and simple. The day felt normal and that’s exactly what we needed. My Grammy bought me a membership to the Museum of Fine Arts: Boston for my birthday and we hadn’t been able to use it. Feeling good, I got all dressed up and we headed downtown. We so enjoyed the museum, so many beautiful and interesting pieces of work. I especially loved an exhibit called “Think Pink” which examined the history of the color pink particularly in fashion. We saw Lucien Lelong sketches, Oscar De La Renta dresses and Louboutin shoes… I was in heaven.
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Then we headed to Boylston, walked around for a bit to see all the beauty that’s Boston in Springtime and enjoyed an early dinner outside together. Came back to our home and watched the Bruin’s demolish the Canadiens on our comfy couch. Glorious day.
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Today was special as well. I felt really lucky to be able to spend Mothers Day, not in the hospital as we had planned on, but at home in Manchester with my family. My Nanny was there. My sister was there. And of course my mom. If we had only had my Grammy there, I would’ve been with the four most important women in my life. I’ve been so blessed to have so many strong women surround me and show me what it means to be a wonderful mother. And since it is mothers day, I’ll tell you a little about my mom. She’s the best. She’s the happiest, most loving, funny, beautiful woman I know and above all else, she is my best friend. I’m such an unbelievably lucky lady to call her my mumma.
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Sunday nights can get me a little bummed but tonight I feel happy and lucky that I’m in my own bed, watching the Revenge season finale knowing I was able to have such a fabulous weekend with a lot of people I love. If I would’ve been admitted on Wednesday, I wouldn’t have gotten to enjoy these past few days like I have. Everything really does happen for a reason.
XOXO,
Jessy

The Little Things Matter

Wanted to share this video as a friend shared it with me a few days ago and I thought it was beautiful. It’s a great example of how you don’t have to do grandiose gestures to make a difference. It’s the little things that you do in your life that make a difference.

Plus, this is the Inspiration Initiative after all isn’t it? So get inspired. Do something nice for someone else today!

Xoxo,
Jess

Little Life Lessons Learned

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Yesterday was exactly one month from when I found out that I had leukemia. One month into what will be a long two years. I’m only one month in but in this one month I’ve learned more about life and what matters than I have in twenty-five years. And for that I’m grateful.

I’ve learned that you’re in this life by yourself — with or without you, the world is going to keep spinning and the sun will keep shining and that you have to find the strength within yourself to keep going even when life gives you a not-so-great hand.

I’ve learned at the exact same time that you’re nothing without your family and friends and that there is literally not one thing more important in this life than the relationships you create. Material items mean nothing. It’s the people that you surround yourself with that are important. They will be the ones to pick you up when you’ve fallen, tell you they love you and give you more hugs, kisses and support than you think you deserve.

I’ve learned to take help when you need it. Don’t let pride get in your way– people won’t offer to help if they don’t want to. So take it.

I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger than I realized. That keeping a positive attitude in tough times, continuing to smile and believing in yourself is half the battle.

I’ve learned the power of a laugh. I’ve always loved laughing… who doesn’t? But I realized while Mike and I were driving to the grocery store two days ago and were hysterically laughing about something that that was the happiest I had been in a while. There’s really no better feeling (or therapy for that matter) than a good belly laugh. Laughter is happiness.

I’ve learned that faith matters– for me, it’s not about going to church and reciting memorized prayers but truly believing that there is something bigger in this life, something that can give you strength when you can’t seem to find it by yourself.

I’ve learned the power of being a good person. That doing little things for others matters. Bringing happiness to others brings happiness to your own life. Life’s a big circle and you will only get what you give.

I’ve learned that appearances matter more than they should but it’s just a reality of life. I’ve been very blessed to never have many self-image issues in the past but I find myself struggling the most right now with how I look. People say it doesn’t matter, it’s what’s inside that counts. And that’s true. But I still find myself avoiding mirrors as when I look at the reflection, it’s hard to see myself. Whether it should be or not, I’ve learned that feeling good about yourself and how you look really is an important part of life.

I’ve learned that doctors and nurses are literally angels that walk among us. They sacrifice their lives and time with their own family and friends to save other peoples lives. I have such admiration and gratitude for what they do.

I’ve learned the power of music. Music has always been a huge part of my life but it’s helped me in the past month more than I thought possible. Music helps you truly feel emotions whether they’re happy or sad. A song can help you get out of bed in the morning, make shaving your hair off a little easier, take you back to a special memory or point in time, or bring calmness to your day when it’s getting overwhelming.

I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how long you go without talking to someone, if you made a difference in each others lives, you’ll always have a place in each others heart.

I’ve learned that people are good. There are bad people in this world but there are far more caring, generous and loving individuals. People that will go out of their way to make someone else’s day better and bring happiness to someone else’s life other than their own.

Lastly, I’ve learned that I honestly enjoy a frosty mug of beer, freshly poured glass of wine or recently shaken dirty martini. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am going to miss these little pleasures, A LOT, in the upcoming months. And ya know what? There’s nothing wrong with that.

You don’t need a cancer diagnosis to learn important lessons about life but you do need to learn things for yourself. Because as much as you hear or read about life lessons, they really only sink in until you come to the conclusions for yourself.

So one month in and I’m feeling optimistic. Feeling optimistic about my life, where it’s going and all the lessons I’ll continue to learn along this unexpected but important chapter of my life.

Xoxo,

Jessy

p.s. (cuz I love p.s.’s… and Sloths. Here’s a fab motivational picture my friend Amanda at work created for me. Talk about people going above and beyond to make you happy. Thanks girrrrrrrl.)

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