It’s the night before another hospital appointment and most likely a five day stay to begin the next round of chemo. As I had mentioned in my last post, I’ve had a great few days. A great week, in fact. My energy, and spirit, has been high and I’ve genuinely just felt happy. I’ve done a good job at putting tomorrow “off” in my mind and just enjoying the time away from the hospital and off the chemo. But as tomorrow nears closer, I know I can’t put it off any longer and I’ll be in that hospital room before I know it. I’m anxious for multiple reasons…I have another bone marrow biopsy tomorrow, one that was not planned. So I’m nervous about the physicality of the procedure as I know how uncomfortable it is. I’m also anxious about the results of the biopsy as my doctor is doing it to double check that nothing has come back due to a something he saw in my labs last week. He’s “almost confident” it’s nothing but obviously wants to be sure. And “almost confident” makes me nervous. Really nervous. I’m anxious about how I’ll respond to the next round of chemo as with each new type of treatment I get there’s always the possibility that there could be complications. I’m anxious about simply being in the hospital for five days— the bed’s not comfortable, I can’t stand the food and the little beeps and noises all night drive me crazy. So basically, I’m just anxious for it to be one week from tonight.
Last week when I thought I was going in for the five days I wasn’t nearly as bummed out as I feel right now. Since I hadn’t felt “good” in over a month, it made me have a little bit of a “who cares” attitude. But tonight I feel much different than that, I’m bumming hard over having to go back tomorrow. I feel this way because I know that starting back up with the chemo means that my body will be knocked down again. While I logically know that this is what my body needs and that it just means one step closer to being cancer free, emotionally it’s been so freeing and exhilarating to feel like myself this past week. And I just really, really don’t want that feeling to be taken away from me. I don’t want to feel sick, or nauseous, or tired, or have another month-long headache. I think since I felt a sense of normalcy the past week, it makes it that much harder to say “bye” to it tomorrow. Correction: it’s not goodbye but just “see ya later” for a little bit. One day all these crappy days are going to add up to one healthy, happy life. And that makes it all worth it.
For now, I’m enjoying a bowl of ice cream (addicted), watching The Voice and enjoying my last night at home for a few nights. Thinking some good thoughts for some good outcomes tomorrow.