That, my friends, is how I’m feeling right about now. Today went NOTHING like how I thought it was going to be. I had planned to write a post tonight from my hospital room, instead here I am sitting at my kitchen table again. I’m home with a packed suitcase and another hospital stay pushed off. Good news, I didn’t get the bone marrow biopsy. Oh wait, that’s just because I’m getting it next week instead. Today I got a better understanding of what my doctor didn’t “like” last week. Basically, when my blood’s been drawn the past two weeks, things called “blasts” have appeared which indicate that the leukemia could somehow have come back (could, keyword there). Luckily, although still there, that number has decreased since last week and all my other counts were in the normal range. So both my doctors are leaning towards that these “blasts” are just immature cells that my bone marrow has produced while it’s been replenishing itself. However, the possibility of the leukemia coming back is real and therefore, until we know exactly what’s going on, we can’t move forward with my planned treatment.
As my doctors were explaining everything, I started getting emotional… I was instantly overwhelmed, I felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen on my shoulders. Consoling me, Dr. Mandy talked to me about how healthy it is to get “out” my feelings and said something that really hit home. She said, “You’re dealing with death, 50 years earlier than you should. You have the right to feel the way you’re feeling.” I hadn’t thought of it like that until this moment. I had been coping by categorizing this in my head as a “sickness,” a sickness that is awful and unfair but something I would get through and undoubtedly live to tell my kids about. I’ve done a good job telling myself that the ‘d’ word is not an option. And I really still don’t see it as one. (I have way too much to do in my life to let it be an option.) But the fact that it’s ever even mentioned or considered is terrifying. The reality is, this most likely is all just a big scare; the hope is that I’ll go in next week, get this bone marrow biopsy done and find out a few days later that everything is fine and continue on with the action course we’ve had planned all along. But the possibility, as small as it may be, that the results could come back next week and things could get “more serious” than they already are leaves me a little speechless. I am, however, reassured that if the results don’t come back the way we want them to, there are still different treatment options we can try, all of which are of the goal to cure.
Other than those first few days, emotionally this was definitely one of the hardest/scariest days. But, just as they were there to comfort me in those first few hours and days, my doctors were there to comfort me and be honest with me…to let me know exactly what’s going on and in terms a marketing major can understand. They make such an incredible team and are so unbelievably knowledgable about this disease. I trust their decisions, whole heartedly and completely. That’s a priceless feeling. Beyond all their brilliance, however, they are caring, kind, compassionate people, and those qualities have continued to make all the difference for me. When I look in their eyes I can see how much they want this too, how much they truly care about me, almost as if I’m a loved one of theirs. I’m not though, I’ve only known them for 3 months. But they care about me a lot and they take care of me to a level that I can’t describe. I am and will forever be grateful to Dr. D and Dr. Mandy– best doctors a person could ask for.
So my update today wasn’t the brightest of ones. Today was a tough day. This week will be a tough week… my mind is inevitably going to wander and I’m going to have to try really REALLY hard to stay focused and positive. I never thought I’d say the words “I’m excited to get a bone marrow biopsy” but I’m excited to get a bone marrow biopsy. I want next week to come because I want to know what we have to face. Once we know what we’re facing, we can map out our plan of attack and get back to kicking some cancer ass.
But before I get back to kicking some ass, I’ll take a few extra prayers this week if you’ve got ’em. 🙂
p.s. a shoutout to my shitty friend leukemia— go eff yourself.
p.s.s. another special shoutout to my lovely grandparents and great aunts and uncles– apologies for my cursing.
6 thoughts on “Until Next Week”
Dear Jessie, you don’t have to apologize to me. I remember years ago I was having a rough time and a priest friend of mine told me to go to Lynn Woods and scream my head off. I never did it because I thought they would come and put me away in the cracker house. Your doing great Jess and we are all praying and rooting for you. Love, Auntie Mona
My Darling Jessie,
Words cannot express how I feel tonight, my heart and love goes out to you, today, I received your Motherâs Day Card and it brought tears to my eyes,
I am really not the strong woman you think I am, I am weak and rely on Godâs love and support to get through every day of my life.
Please think positive thoughts, you will win this battle, with Godâs help.
Your loving Grandmother.
I’m praying for you and thinking of you all the time, Jessica!!! I just wanted to tell you that. i know you don’t know me personally at all, but I’m friends with your sister & many other friends of yours. I just want to tell u how strong I think you are and let you know that your story and struggle touches everyone & more people are praying for you than you know!!!! I love reading your blog and your spirit is honestly inspiring!
Thanks for reaching out with such kind words and support, means a lot.
What can one say:-( You are amazing….your write beautiful and what I read is that you are in a good place Jessy. I know this sounds kind of crazy..but you are…you have a wonderful sense of self and a healthy perspective on how things are going. The news you recevied is enough to take anyones breath away and knock one off its feet, but not you!!! I know this week is going to be EXTREMELY LONG and SUCK!!! Do whatever you have to do to get to the place that brings you happiness/joy and peace. Yoga/ Regina’s pizza/ long hot bath with bubbles….Know that there are so many people thinking and praying for you.
This mountain right now is so BIG and the top seems so unbelievably hard to reach, but I have no doubt that after next weeks results you will begin the climb again…and you will be at that top soon looking down at as you say…Leukemia…I beat you!!! All our love and prayers for a speedy week, filled with great news and love…..Connie/Mark/Holly/Allison
Oh Connie, you’re the best. Your words are always a real inspiration and heart warming. Off to find my happy place! 🙂