This week has been hard. Harder than expected. What I would’ve expected is pure excitement, pure elation that the road is coming to an end. But instead, I’m feeling overwhelmed with a mix of emotions, most of them being sad and scared if I am being totally truthful.
Tonight is no different. Tonight I feel scared and I feel anxious. Tomorrow I will wake up and go to the Dana for my last scheduled bone marrow biopsy. I always become really nervous before these procedures since I find them really painful but more than that, I’m nervous of the results. I won’t find them out until next week, but tomorrow will be my last “check” for leukemia. The “what if’s” are worrying me. Well, it’s not exactly plural- it’s singular- it’s “what if there are still leukemia cells in my bones, in my blood?” I literally don’t know what I would do and I can’t bare to imagine it, but I keep imagining it.
The flip side is that if the results come back negative and there is no such leukemia in my body…….. Well, there are no words for that.
As I walked into my driveway tonight, I smiled to myself as a small flower has finally begun to pop through the dirt and show its colors. I photographed this same flower two years ago when I had returned home from the hospital as it reminded me of new beginnings. Today, it once again reminded me of new beginnings and a renewal of hope that I so desperately needed. There she goes, Mother Nature making her presence known and love felt. Always remember to look for the little signs.
If I could request it one last time, I’ll take all the good vibes, prayers and positive energy tonight that you can spare.
All my love & light,