A Lot Of Worry but a Little Light

This week has been hard. Harder than expected. What I would’ve expected is pure excitement, pure elation that the road is coming to an end. But instead, I’m feeling overwhelmed with a mix of emotions, most of them being sad and scared if  I am being totally truthful. 

Tonight is no different. Tonight I feel scared and I feel anxious. Tomorrow I will wake up and go to the Dana for my last scheduled bone marrow biopsy. I always become really nervous before these procedures since I find them really painful but more than that, I’m nervous of the results. I won’t find them out until next week, but tomorrow will be my last “check” for leukemia. The “what if’s” are worrying me. Well, it’s not exactly plural- it’s singular- it’s “what if there are still leukemia cells in my bones, in my blood?” I literally don’t know what I would do and I can’t bare to imagine it, but I keep imagining it. 

The flip side is that if the results come back negative and there is no such leukemia in my body…….. Well, there are no words for that. 

As I walked into my driveway tonight, I smiled to myself as a small flower has finally begun to pop through the dirt and show its colors. I photographed this same flower two years ago when I had returned home from the hospital as it reminded me of new beginnings. Today, it once again reminded me of new beginnings and a renewal of hope that I so desperately needed. There she goes, Mother Nature making her presence known and love felt. Always remember to look for the little signs. 

If I could request it one last time, I’ll take all the good vibes, prayers and positive energy tonight that you can spare. 

All my love & light,



8 thoughts on “A Lot Of Worry but a Little Light

  1. I found your Blog recently and the wonderful work you do with sending cards,to others in the hospital. Since then you have been in my prayers and thoughts. You are not alone as you go for your check up today and I hope that brings you some comfort. Sending Healing Blessings and Hope always. Patti B.

    • Hi Patti, thank you so much for your kind words of support- it brings me more comfort than I can explain to have people think of me during some of these really nerve racking moments. I’m happy that the procedure is now over and we just have to wait for the results! Sending love!

  2. Jessi, Stay positive! Positive vibes produce positive effects! The bone marrow test is totally not fun but you have done this before. You got this!! Meditate today on the cancer leaving your body, i use to use pacman my dad uses men in the boats. Your nervousness is to be expected but turn it over to God especially during this Easter season. Jesus suffering on the cross for us is huge compared to our suffering! God will help you as He helped His son! Just ask! Love you little cousin! Sending prayers and good vibes your way! I hope you can hear our cheering for you!! 🙂

    • Thanks Pam!!!! And you’re so right, I really think that positive vibes produce positive effects. I was nervous today but I tried to bring some happiness to the moment- like listening to my favorite songs and being a little silly to make myself laugh. Hope you have a beautiful Easter weekend. Lots of love!

  3. Hugs and much love to you. I am holding you in my heart in love and prayer. May there be a most benevolent outcome for all aspects of your health dear Jess.

    • Thank you Assunta! Today was long but I am so thankful it is over and to now just be waiting the results. I’m feeling good that they will be good results! Hope you have a great Easter weekend. Lots of love!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s