Yesterday I started writing this blog post but I got cold feet to tell the world my news. My news is this…
I QUIT MY JOB.
(well, gave my notice before the new year. c’mon I’m not an ass hole who abandons responsibility)
I quit my job and I don’t have a new one. I quit my job and I don’t even know what I want my new one to be.
I took a leap of faith, a leap far larger than I ever have in my life. I’ve taken risks and chances before but there was always a next step, always a plan; I always knew what the end goal was. This time, however, is way different. I don’t know what I want my career to be or even what I want my life to look like. My cancer experience and over a year working for people that have been given 2-5 years to live taught me one thing- life is short and you’re not promised to live till retirement. So, you’ve got to live life in the present moment, be thankful for what you have, and really try to enjoy your days, not just the weekend days. Unfortunately, I also am not an idiot and I fully realize that you need to make money to survive. And even though I love to tell Mike that I could, I have accepted the fact that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be one of those people on HGTV living in a “tiny house.” In my dream world, I would be a mom to more than just Phoebe, I’d live in a home on or near some kind of body of water, I’d have friends and family nearby that I could have glasses of Rose with on Sunday afternoons, I’d like to have enough time and energy to cook healthy meals for my family on a regular basis, I’d like a deck outside to do yoga on, and a fireplace to snuggle up with Mike on at night after a long day. That being said, I know my dream will cost money; kids, a house, a dog, frequent purchases of wine and buffalo chicken, yoga classes– it all costs money. But as of right now, I don’t know how to get to those dreams or how to contribute financially to making those dreams a reality for myself and Mike.
So I said screw it, I’m taking a chance on myself and going to figure it out as I go. Three years ago, if I would’ve heard of someone doing this, I probably would’ve judged them because I thought that being equal in a relationship means making equal money. But today I am deciding to try to think differently. I’m trying to retrain my mind to believe that making a lot of money doesn’t equal a successful life- for me. For some people that may be what they want, but I don’t think it’s what I want anymore. I want to spend more time with my family, I want to spend more time learning, I want to be outside everyday and not in an office building for 10 hours. I want to help others. I want to be creative. I want to have enough time and energy to cook a healthy meal for my family. I want to go to bed with a smile on my face.
Today, I walked with Phoebe along our favorite path and looked at the beautiful blue sky and an almost-frozen river filled with ducks and geese and thought, “what the hell am I afraid of?” I already jumped. I wrote the letter of resignation. I signed the papers. I paid the first month of COBRA healthcare. I packed up my office. I played ‘Freedom’ by Beyoncé (obviously) when I drove home on Friday. So what am I afraid of? I’m afraid of being judged by others. I’m afraid of people talking about me behind my back and saying things like “what is she doing? this isn’t a smart decision” I’m afraid of outsiders thinking I’m a leech to Mike. I’m afraid of, basically, what everyone else in the world thinks. To the point that I specifically told Mike not to tell any of his friends and family because I didn’t want them to know and judge me. Then there’s the social media aspect– it creates a pressure to feel like you need to tell everybody everything you’re doing all the time. I’m guilty of it. Shit, I’m doing it right now. And I kind of hate that. It’s the same guilt that you feel when you know you’re not being honest. And with today’s media, I get the icky feeling when I’m not being upfront on my ‘social channels’ when I don’t share what’s going on in my life. It certainly creates an unnecessary level of stress but it also helps me open up and put my feelings out there for the world, which after the fact, always ends up making me feel better. Because of this form of media, I have been able to host this blog which has proven to be a therapeutic place for me to go to put my feelings into words. I like that, if I want to ramble, like I’m doing now, it’s okay because it’s my space.
Im anxious about what’s to come in the next few weeks and months but I’m also excited. I’m hopeful that this could be a big turning point in my life where I discover my passion and start being happier, more fulfilled and generally more content on a daily basis. An additional feeling I have at this very moment is freedom. Freedom to not be afraid anymore of the possible judgement or misunderstanding because once I hit “publish” it’s out there. Love it or hate it, embrace it or judge it. It is what it is and I’m proud of the path that I have just embarked on. I hope that you will follow along with me on this new journey – a journey of self-discovery, taking chances, living in the moments and hopefully, inspiring others to do the same.
Lots of love & light,
here’s a pic of the Phoeb’s trying to get to the ducks today.
9 thoughts on “A New Journey”
So proud of you Jessica! Love you to the moon and back!!
Jess, you are young and have been through more than most people experience in a lifetime. Now that you have seen and felt what you don’t want, sit under that cold, crisp blue sky and talk to God. There will be signs from him that will help you when you feel quivery and uncertain. Your heart will be so full once you find that special spot in the universe that you will feel like you could explode. Your spot is out there now have fun finding it!! Deb Starin
Jess, your courage in closing one door and being willing to trust and walk in the unknown, is AWESOME.
I truly believe your dreams will come true. Keep following your heart!!
You Challenge me and give me the courage to follow my heart, trust and walk in my own life. Thank you!!
Jessica. Sometimes the hardest steps we take are the biggest ones. You have many of those over the past 3 years. Look at this as a gift. A gift that you can take. You have a wonderful fiancé and family who has supported all your decisions. Many don’t have that. I have no doubt that you will find your passion in your work life
You talked about other careers perhaps this is a time to take some classes that would lead you to a career that has been calling you but you have not heard it yet. No Iam not talking about being a nun. Lol.
You remain in my thoughts. You are strong and no one should judge as Thur have not walked in your shoes.
YOU. GO. GIRL. #fly
I’ve never met an elderly person who spoke about their jobs when they were younger, it is always about experiences. These experiences can be as simple as cuddling up to that beautiful Yankees fan – Mike. As far as people judging, fuck them. Honestly, people will always judge on things we wear, buy, eat, etc. you have to let that roll of your back.
Oh Rich, no matter how long I go from hearing from you, every time I do, it makes me smile! Thank you for that. Also, must’ve missed you at the parade today, I know you were super excited about Sunday’s win! 😜 hope you’re well, miss you too!!
Sweet Jess, you have closed the door which no longer serves your dreams.
I can only imagine what wonderful new adventures wait for you, and they do!
Aw thank you Brigita, that means a lot. Hope you are doing well and having a wonderful new year! Xo