The Guilt of Health

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I wrote a post. I can blame it on the fact I’ve been quite the busy lady in August, from bachelorette weekends to concerts to Red Sox games to doggy ice cream socials to creating a 6-page itinerary of our upcoming Italy trip, it’s been a whirlwind month but if I’m being honest, there’s another reason I haven’t written too. I have a bit of guilt that’s kept me from writing.  I used to write this blog in a hospital room when I was feeling lonely or sad or scared or upset to get my emotions out. I still have feelings of isolation or sadness or anxiety but I don’t feel like I have the right to express myself when so many things have gone right for me recently. What do I have to complain about when I know there are so many people still suffering? I know that this blog should be a safe space for me but, like everyone, I worry about what others will think. What you will think. Whether or not somebody will roll their eyes when they read my posts. People might think this is weird but I almost feel more vulnerable expressing my feelings now than when I was going through treatment. My day to day isn’t “interesting” to the outside world anymore. And god damn, I’m so happy it isn’t! My trials and tribulations are just like everyone else’s — a normal 27 year old, trying to figure out the whole work-life-love balance.

After going through cancer, I feel such a large responsibility to myself and every single person who gave me my health back to make the most of life, to be the happiest, healthiest version of myself. But sometimes having pressure to be happy, to be content, to be “living life to the fullest” is overwhelming. I learned so strongly how quickly life can change and so I hate when I feel like I’m “wasting time” or not making the most of everything.

So this was a bit of rant but sometimes that’s when I get my truest feelings out and that’s what I’m going to continue to do, keep being honest and as open as I can be. I’ll keep this blog as a place for what’s going on in my life– whether it’s inspirational or not, it’s what’s happening in my life.

On a brighter note, something that just happened in my life was getting the opportunity to be interviewed for the Red Sox pre-game show with Tom Caron last night to tell my story as a way of raising awareness and garnering funds for the Jimmy Fund. I had an absolute blast and was ready to start handing out my number to the staff to try to get me my own show! haha boy, I just loved it! 🙂 Here are some pics :

Lastly, Mike and I leave for Italy vacation this coming Monday. I went to Dana Farber today and was so relieved to find out that everything still looks good and I’m in the clear to head abroad. I’m beyond excited!

Happy Wednesday all!

Lots of love & light,

Jessy

 

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4 thoughts on “The Guilt of Health

  1. Jess, Never feel “guilty” about feeling good and being in a good place. I think it is important to let everyone know that. Saw you on the TV, you looked amazing. I share your blog with nurses, social workers I work with her at Newton Wellesley Hospital and they are amazed on how far you have come and the goodness you have shown to the other patients at Dana Farber with your sunshine cards. You constantly make lemonade out of lemons.
    Have an amazing trip to Italy, Mark and I have traveled there 3 times. It is a beautiful country and everyone is lovely. Not sure where you are headed, but hopefully take in Venice, by far next to Tuscany my favorite city. Go to Murano and Burano (tiny islands off Venice) Murano has beautiful had blown glass and Burano is know for its lace. Don’t forget to throw coins into the trevi fountain and make a wish. Just have fun….inhale the aroma’s around you. Enjoy. Connie

    • Connie, we just threw coins in the Trevvi Fountain and it was magical! We were in Positano for the last 5 days (in the almafi coast) and are now in Rome. Then heading to Florence and Venice. It is beautiful here and the people and food are incredible! Thank you for continuing to give me such kind words. They always lift my spirits. Lots of love! Xo

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