Hard Times, Good Times

I started writing this blog post last week and never finished. I went back and read it this morning and realized in one short week how things have already changed. Here’s what I wrote…

“The past four months have probably been the worst four months of my life. Not the most uplifting way to start a blog post but it’s the truth. During these months, I’ve struggled to stay positive and truly feel happy. Partially because of the unexpectedness of the pancreatitis. It seems so unfair that I would get that on top of leukemia. Because other than that my chemo caused the pancreatitis, it has nothing to do with the cancer. It’s only delayed my treatment, caused me a lot of pain and laid me up in the hospital three too many times. …. even when I’m doing “fun” things, my mind races to that things aren’t normal. That I can’t have a drink. That I can’t have a french fry. That I have to be home early to hook up to a feeding tube. That I’ve simply been hooking up to a feeding tube for over two months now. That I’m not at work. The list goes on and on. 
I’m hoping that the end of this funk is coming near as sometime in January I’ll be FINALLY going back to work and I think that will help immensely. But I wanted to write this blog post so I remember how I felt at this moment. These days are long and tiring. Each day I feel different, whether it be emotional or physical. I have a hard time sleeping and my mind always seems to run back to “i have cancer.” I spend half the day sleeping and another portion watching TV. I can’t take that anymore. I want to do, I want to be productive. But sometimes it’s too hard, I’m too tired. Today I was tired. I got out of my pajamas at 4 o’clock to run to the grocery store to get things for Thanksgiving. I love being in pajamas but when that’s all you have everyday, getting dressed up becomes a privilege. Overall, things have just been really tough.”

Well it’s funny what a few days, family, friends and good food can do. I had the best four days I’ve had in a really long time. Thanksgiving was wonderful as I got to see my whole family and grandparents and snuggle with my love bug of a niece. Then Friday I got to see a bunch of my best friends from high school at a fabulous Friendsgiving party! Saturday, Mike and I got our Christmas tree and started decorating for Christmas (my ballerina reindeer are up which makes this girl VERY happy). Then we headed out to a housewarming/birthday party at one of our good friends house which was a blast. Sunday we just stayed around the house and decorated for Christmas, made some turkey chili and watched the Pats. It was a busy but perfect few days and it was just what I needed to help get me out of that funk. I felt so happy to see my friends and family and get to spend four days with Mike. Times like this weekend I’m reminded why I’m so blessed. It helped change my mindset and brought me a sense of happiness that I haven’t felt these past four months. There are still hard days ahead (most likely a lot of them) and I will have to keep working on feeling normal and feeling happy but I’m thankful for last weekend as it brought both those things back into my life.

8 thoughts on “Hard Times, Good Times

  1. Love you Jess! Your honesty and openness really touch my heart. When getting dressed up for you is a privilege… it makes me realize how much I can take for granted. Thank you for that reminder so that I will be more thankful and live more fully. Hugs to you.

  2. This was very touching to me. And I just wanted to take the time and tell you I’ve seen many people struggle over the years with cancer I even had a friend that beat cancer and then died in a car accident. My point is times will always be hard cherish the best moments those are the most powering moments you shine girl don’t you ever forget it you’ll get threw this and be the strongest youll ever be. You deserve happiness and its coming your way soon just stay positive and keep that beautiful face smiling I can just tell by seeing you your beautiful in and out 😘

  3. You never cease to amaze me Jessy! It’s so good that you are being honest about your true feelings & emotions @ this difficult time in your life. You will look back @ this someday & be able to truly appreciate every moment of the wonderful life I know that’s ahead for you. God bless you & enjoy this upswing & continued good health! Xo

  4. Hi Jess, I so understand your blog, and all of what you have been going through the last four months, as, I have the opportunity, to live it through my conversation’s with your Mom. I sincerely hope and pray that you have turned the corner and we just sail forward to a speedy recovery and that pesky Pancreas just goes to sleep and performers as it should. Thanksgiving Day was a challenge for me, after, a, totally sleepless night, I did not feel, I could drive to NH, my car is not good in snow and I was totally exhausted. Problem, I had cooked for four hours on Wednesday and Kathy was planning on me. I had to make a decision and I thought it best I just stay in Cotuit. As the day went on, I felt very sorry for myself, and then, I thought of you and how much better you were feeling and I gave Thanks. Love, Gram

    Sent from my iPad


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