Can’t Sleep

I do some of my best writing at 4:30 in the morning…on steriods. And that’s what’s going on right now. It’s exactly 4:37am and my mind is racing and I can’t sleep. So instead of laying here in bed with my eyes open, I thought I’d write down how I’m feeling and what’s new.

It’s been a little while since I’ve written a post, the frequency of the posts have slowed down in the past month and I know it. It’s not because I’m getting bored with my blog or anything of that sort but rather because I’m bored with my life right now. The past 3 weeks have consisted of not eating or making bland, “soft” meals, throwing up, napping, being curled up in pain, going to the doctors, watching tv, sleeping. Repeat. I’ve felt anything but inspirational. I’ve felt bad for myself quite honestly and that’s really it. I felt bad for myself that Mike and I had to cancel a trip to Newport this weekend that we had looked forward to nearly all summer due to my condition. I felt down for myself that I’ve felt so sad lately, it doesn’t feel like me. But as I sit here in bed in the wee morning of hours, I am thinking about everything good that has still happened over the past three weeks.
– I got to see two of my best friends, one from high school and one from college, that live in California and Florida and I very rarely get to see. It’s always rejuvenating to visit with friends, especially those you haven’t seen in quite some time.
– I got to spend time with my family and Mikes family. Both by the pool. Both with our little nuggets. And I’ve said if before but I’ll say it again, there’s no better cure than hanging out with children you love. They put a smile on your face no matter how crummy you may feel.
– I got to slow dance with Mike to Frank Sinatra.
– I got to dance crazily to “Shake It Out” by my girl T Swift with Mike (yes, there’s a lot of dancing in this house). Works for a good belly laugh every time.
– I have been reminded how strong I really am. I have learned how much my body can be put through and how I will bounce back and come out on top, even if it takes a while.
– I got to start back up on the chemo cocktail yesterday. Now this may not be traditional “fun” but being paused is a stressful feeling as you know it’s just pushing back the end goal. So I was thrilled to continue back on the march.
– I’ve learned that the guy sleeping quietly next to me (thank god, it’s a snore a lot of the time!) is the best thing that ever happened to me. That even at my lowest and grumpiest, he loves me unconditionally.

So for a crappy few weeks, there’s still a lot of good that has come out of it. And that’s important to remember, even at my lowest lows. Sometimes, I just have to write it out. I hope you all are having a wonderful and blessed week!





6 thoughts on “Can’t Sleep

  1. Dear Jessie,
    Just want you to know I’m an early bird like you. If you ever want to just talk give me a call. I’m up before the birds. Your a great inspiration to everyone and what you are going through is normal. Don’t feel guilty. Love you and keep up the good work.
    Auntie Mona

  2. God bless you Jess. Praying for you to be well and to have the strength to keep up your amazing positive attitude. That and your faith is what will get you through all. Denise xoxo

  3. Thank you Jessica for teaching me … you find all the wonderful things to be grateful for in the midst of sadness and pain…AND you keep your wonderful sense of humor!!. Peace, Joy and Love to you.

  4. Jessy, Never feel “awful about feeling bad”. We are all human and believe me when I say have every right to feel like you do, “sad, mad, angry”…BUT and that is a BIG BUT…I also see in your writings how “grateful” you feel…to enjoy the love of Mike/your family and dear friends and your sweet niece”. Little ones do make even the darkest, lonely days bright and sunny!!! This is a horrible long road you are on…it is a bloody mountain, which I have doubt you will continue to conquer with the grace and strength you have so far.
    You continue to remain in all our prayers and thoughts. The nights are the hardest, it is so quiet and dark….continue to do whatever you need to get through them, soft music, looking at pictures and dreaming of the day, that you will stand and say I BEAT THIS!!!!!!!! Love Connie, Mark, Holly and Allison

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