Today I had my first cry of the “series.” Only 2 episodes left of this series of my life. The series finale comes two weeks from now. There will likely be a lot of excitement and hoopla. Mike will be with me and so will my parents. Two weeks from today, my veins will take their last push of chemotherapy and my body will be full of toxins one last time. But today is today and today was, in a way, was just as exciting. For a year now, I’ve lived in 3 week cycles. And so today was the first of the lasts. It was was week 1 and therefore I had my final meeting with my oncology team- Dr. D, Dr. Mandy and me. There have been so many people that have gotten me through this journey but at the heart of this machine, it’s been the three of us. So it was so special to me to get to be with them, review my labs together, laugh with them, reminisce a bit, and then, OF COURSE, make them take a selfie.
While we were taking this picture, it hit me how exciting this moment was. How I’ve waited over two years to begin the goodbyes. I began jumping up and down and clapping my hands, I was overcome with the feeling of “ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! This is real!!!” I hugged Dr. D and he walked out of the room. Then, I instantly stopped jumping and covered my face as I could feel the tears beginning to stream down my face. This journey has been so long, it’s been so hard, it’s been absolutely brutal at times but it’s also been so incredible because of these two individuals and I don’t want to say goodbye. I’m sad, really sad to say goodbye.
Lucky for me, I will see them again in two weeks when I cross the finish line but this time today was important. I needed just us to be a team, just the three of us, one last time.
So I dedicate this blog to the best team I’ve ever been a part of.
This is going to be a big day for me. This is the day I will have my last treatment of chemotherapy. I will walk into Dana-Farber, see the most amazing people in the world, get an infusion of cancer-killing, leukemia sucking drugs and then I will walk out, head held high and I’ll be damned if I ever walk into Yawkey 8 as a patient again.
It will be a day I waited 764 days for.
This Wednesday, I sat in the chair next to Dr. D and when he asked if I had anything else I wanted to talk about, I just blurted out, “when does it end?” “Can I have a date?” “I need a date!.” Honestly, I really didn’t think he was going to be able to pin point it for me, but he pulled up his calendar and did just that. It was so what I needed. I’m so grateful that I’ve made it through over a year of this battle but I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately with how much longer I have to go. It’s different having pieces of your life back, like work and exercising but knowing that you’re still sick, that you still have a long way to go to make it out of the woods. Knowing the date gives me something to look forward to. To set my mind to. A much-needed finish line in my own little marathon.
Today is National Cancer Survivors Day– I don’t fit into this quite yet because I’m only half way there. i’m in remission, but I’m not cured. I have survived a lot in the past year but I haven’t gotten through it all. Next year at this time, I will feel incredible relief and gratitude if I am lucky enough to go for a walk on a beautiful June day and know that I’m two months passed my last chemo infusion. Two months into the rest of my life. It will feel unbelievable to be a survivor.