Tag Archives: cancer sucks
High and Lows
A day after my absolutely fabulous Friday and two scoops of chemo crappiness later, I’ve had an all-in-all rough 72 hours. Both physically and mentally. I woke up Saturday morning with an extreme amount of jaw, mouth and throat pain which we quickly learned is an infection in my GI tract that comes quite often as a result of chemo. As with any infection, it onset a fever and some nausea. It continued to get worse and by Sunday my fever was up to 102.5. Pretty much sucking the life out of me, even my doctor noticed I wasn’t “as perky” as normal. Luckily I had some friends and family stop by both days which helps to put my attention on something other than the uncomfortableness; even if just for a few minutes. I certainly didn’t expect that I would be Miss Pollyanna, sunshine and rainbows the whole time but this was the first really rough patch I’ve had so far– the kind that punched me in the face with the reality of just how hard and long this road is going to be.
Then we added some insult to injury: Sunday morning my hair started to bid me goodbye. Some people may call this deep denial but I like to say I was being an enteral optimist when thinking just maybe I’d beat the odds and not lose my hair. I was quite honestly clinging onto this glimpse of hope and up until Sunday morning I was yanking on my hair everyday to see it it felt “loose” and lucky for me, it had been sticking in there quite well. Unfortunately, and unknowingly to me, the hair loss comes on extremely quickly and from Sunday morning to when I first noticed hair on my pillow, I was pulling out large chunks by Monday morning (pukeeeee). This quite literally made me feel nauseous. So, since my mom was here for the day, I had one of my favorite nurses and lets face it, didn’t have much of a schedule, I decided to rip the band-aid off as quick as possible and take control of the situation. With a Beyonce playlist of “If I were a boy” and “Diva” blaring in the background, we began the buzz-a-thon: and to my utter shock, it felt great. The first row of hair took my breath a way a bit but I didn’t cry because I felt a sense of control. It felt like I was choosing this, not my sickness making me do it. Which was empowering and important for me to feel.
And, it’s gone! G.I. Jane, anyone?
(refresh the page to see a little slideshow of the whole “buzz-a-thon”)
One life lesson learned yesterday: anxiety leading up to a challenge is more than half the battle. The thought of buzzing off my hair ended up being far worse than the actual agony of doing it. And, if you decide to make something shitty, something fun, it’s guaranteed to be a better experience than if you didn’t.
Xoxox,
Jessy
Silver Linings BlogBook
Mornings are hard. For a split second when I’m sleeping I forget where I am and then am reminded that I’m not home and this isn’t a dream I’ll be waking up from any time soon. Mornings also mean that there’s a full day ahead of me which can feel daunting. SO, this morning I wanted to remind myself of some of the good things that will come out of this not-so-good situation.
1. Connect with people— a true blessing has been receiving such an overwhelming amount of love and support from quite an array of people in the past two weeks. Obviously with those that I hold closest to my heart, but also connecting with people that I haven’t spoken with in years, people I am only acquaintances with, or people that I really don’t know at all but felt the urge to reach out and offer their kind words and support. It truly has shown me that people are innately goodand I am so lucky to be surrounded with the most amazing group of individuals I could ever ask for. This experience has already highlighted the importance of making a better effort in connecting with those that I love and appreciate– making the time to give a call to one of my many friends that are seemingly scattered around the country just to say hello, making the time to call catch up with someone important in my life that it’s been too long since we’ve last spoken, making the time to not get lost in the “routine” of life and put in a better effort to see my family and friends that live just an hour away in which I sometimes act like live across the country, making the time to say thank you and i love you to all those that make a difference in my life. So to all of you who are reading this blog and have connected with me in these past two weeks to offer me positive vibes and energy… thank you and i love you.
2. Try new things — I will have lots of new found “time on my hands” and while I know this will be tough road ahead physically, I really believe that the mental game is half the battle and the more active and stimulated I remain, the quicker the road to recovery will be. So there’s no better time than now to try new things and gain new “hobbies”– like BLOGGING! 🙂 or knitting, DIYing or painting. Creative outlets will be a nice change of pace and one that I’m excited about.
3. Become a famous chef-– If you follow me on Pinterest, you probably saw the outrage that I took to pinning recipes yesterday. The past few months, I’ve learned to really enjoy cooking and trying new recipes/foods. But as with most people, there’s not always enough time in the day to be slaving away in the kitchen trying all the recipes I want to discover. So lucky for me (and Mike!), I’ll be slumming around our Slomerville palace for quite some time and will have plenty of time to master this talent.
I see you Guy Fierri.
4. Possibly get a pup — not sure if this one’s possible yet but I’ve wanted a frenchie for a long time now and there really hasn’t been a good time with my work schedule. So my wheels have already begun to spin that maybe this is God opening the door for me to have a little baby frenchie on board.
A girl can dream…
5. Have a “summer vacation” — living in New England there is absolutely a “better” time to have chemo. And it’s called not winter. I feel lucky that I’m going to go through this just as winter is ending and the beautiful New England spring and summer are beginning. I felt sorry for myself last summer being locked up in an office building everyday during those warm weather days. And although this is not how I would’ve wished to get some extra days off, (I’d take winning the lotto instead), I’m excited to spend time soaking up more rays than I had anticipated and just enjoying being outdoors and feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin.
So with that said….dear 10 degree days in March– get the eff out of my way.
6. More time with my Eleni Bear – lets face it, there’s no better therapy than snuggling with my favorite little nugget. Literally nothing better. And I’ll have way more time to do that. So BOOM– win.
I’m sure I’ll think of more later but those are some of the main things I’m looking forward to with my new change of pace.
XOXO,
Jessy
Hair Matters
Yesterday and today were big days. The hair chopping and wig fitting began. Apparently it takes about two weeks after chemo begins that you start to lose your hair. So I wanted to do it in phases so it didn’t feel as dramatic when I have to buzz it off. Out of everything going on, this is something that I have been dreading more than most aspects. Although there’s nothing normal about my life right now, when I’m putzing around my room, chatting with friends/family, watching TV at night with Mike… I feel normal. I feel like myself. But I also have been able to look in the mirror and it’s me… no difference. (a little paler than normal but me). So I’m so terrified to think about what it’s going to feel like when I look in the mirror and my hair’s gone… I won’t be who I’ve always been. Hair doesn’t define you and logically, I know that, but emotionally, it’s harder than that. It really is a big part of who I am. And unlike a lot of girls who are daring and wild with their hair, my “do” has been the same for quite some time — long and brown since about 1995. So the thought of being forced to lose it… sucks quite honestly.
So I woke up at about 9:30 yesterday and took my last pic with my long manggggge.
Within about 10 seconds, it was gone. CHOPPED.
SILVER LINING: I had enough hair to donate it to Locks of Love so it will be able to be made into a wig for a little girl going through something she should absolutely not be dealing with her at her age. That, that made it absolutely worth it.
This morning, I woke up, showered and put on make-up for the first time in 11 days which felt SUPERB. And here’s the final product.
If I’m being honest, I really don’t like it. I’ve decided I’m definitely a long hair girl and I can’t wait until the next time I have to spend a good 10 minutes in the shower shampooing and conditioning my hair. It will be a divine day. Until that day, I’ll be rocking the short hair/no hair/fake hair thing. And ya know what, that’s not the best but as I’ve learned in the past two weeks, I’ll keep chugging along and get through this too.
XOXO,
Jessy
The Inspiration Initiative 