A year ago this week, I chopped off my hair. I was rudely reminded of this via my Timehop (that app is the best at times and worst at other times). I had taken this picture the night before I knew I was going to have it cut.
When I saw it on Monday night, I instantly started crying. I became overwhelmed with sadness, like I was looking at a picture of someone’s who died. It sounds silly but I miss my hair SO much. I miss putting it up in a pony tail. I miss straightening it. I miss curling it on nights I want to look pretty. I miss the feeling of brushing it or having someone play with it. I miss everything about it. My whole life I had had long hair and that’s the way I liked it. There are lots of bad things about chemo but the loss of your hair has to be one of the worst.
It seems fitting that I’d have all these feelings come flooding back this week. During the past two months I’ve been losing my hair again. It hasn’t all gone but it’s been thinning pretty rapidly and it’s gotten to a point that I don’t know if I should start wearing my head wraps again. It’s hard because now that I’m back at work, I don’t want to be looked at differently and wearing a head wrap will absolutely make that happen. But at the same time, looking like a balding old man isn’t exactly how I want to be viewed either.
With all that said, something I’ve learned is that in the end, looks don’t matter much. They feel like they matter, they feel like they matter a lot, but the important people in your life will love you with or without hair. Friends will still hang out with you. Coworkers will still have lunch with you. Boyfriends will still slow dance with you. Family will still be there for you. Life will go on. But it’ll be hard and it’ll be frustrating and it’ll be sad, but life will go on.